Sane Sex for Singles

Learning to Work the Room – Part 2

2012-02-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

So just how do you start a conversation and keep it going? Sounds pretty basic, but it’s simple things like these that keep people against the wall, in a corner, or away from a singles or networking event altogether. There are a few simple techniques that will help you work any room, whether it’s for business or pleasure. Let’s begin with starting conversations.

It’s easiest to talk to someone who is alone, as often they’re wishing they had someone to talk to, also. Be observant about your surroundings and make a general but positive statement to the person. You could comment about the music, the décor, the good turnout – just avoid anything negative. You could pay a sincere compliment. If no one appears to be alone, stand near two or three people and look for a moment to break in, provided the conversation doesn’t appear to be personal. (If you’re the one in the conversation, be aware of others around who may also be looking to join you.)

When you are engaged in conversation, stay present and attentive. Being aware of your surroundings does not mean you continually look over the other person’s shoulder to see who’s come in or may be around who would be more interesting. You’ll come across as rude and set a poor tone for the occasion. To keep the conversation going, you could ask about other activities they attend, chat about a local news or sporting event, or introduce another neutral topic. Talk about a great movie you recently enjoyed or point out a person in the room who reminds you of someone you admire. Ask gentle, non-invasive questions, taking care not to let it sound like an interview.

Stay positive and interested to continue being interesting. If something is said that you don’t agree with, let it go. Strive to be agreeable rather than right. Leave your soap box home!

Working the Room at a Singles Event

2012-01-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Singles events, such as mixers, hikes, and parties, are a great, low risk way to meet other singles interested in dating. On Saturday, February 4 I’ll be speaking at the semi-annual Calculated Couples Singles Fair at the Doubletree Resort in Scottsdale, AZ, so I thought this would an appropriate time to cover the basics of working the room.

When you’re just getting started, you may want to go to singles events with a friend. This usually works out fine, as long as you remember that you’re going there to meet new people, not to hang around with the person you came with. If you go with other people, make an arrangement to separate. Once you have been to a few events, you’ll find that going alone can be quite fun, even if you’re a woman. Being by yourself forces you to interact with others, and it invites others to approach you. It also enables you to stay as long as you’d like.

Avoid sitting at a large table with five or more people, particularly at a dance. No one wants to be turned down in front of a crowd of people, so make it easy for people to approach you. It’s often successful to begin by seeking one or two people of the same gender to stand or sit with. Rather than getting involved in a deep conversation, keep it to small talk – and be positive. No one will be drawn to a negative conversation. Sit or stand so you face and observe the room, and be interested in your surroundings. Make it possible for people to come up to you and break into your conversation. If you see someone alone who looks approachable (or needs someone to talk to), this is your opportunity to approach him or her.

Finally, a great ice-breaker I’ve found for conversation is asking the other person if he’s attended other events the group has put on and what they were like. This can lead to information on how long he’s been dating, how much dating he does, and so forth. People love to be asked for their opinion, so this is usually a comfortable way to get the conversation started. For more tips on conversations, join me next week.

Have Fun While Waiting it Out

2012-01-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

Following the sane sex model for dating requires that we postpone physical intimacy until we are emotionally intimate with someone. Emotional intimacy is not quick or easy to achieve, so the wait may feel endless. In our technologically advanced world, wait times seem to get shorter and shorter. (Do you remember having to wait for the television to warm up before the picture would appear?) How do we wait it out successfully?

One approach I learned to take to was to make sure I was having fun. Unlike some people who date, I did have a goal of meeting the love of my life, pretty serious stuff. Being a goal-oriented person like most entrepreneurs, I had to pay attention to how I was feeling. I realized that if I wasn’t having fun, I wasn’t going to be any fun to be around, and people want to have fun when they’re dating. I promised myself to relax more and let events unfold as they would. If after spending time somewhere I found I wasn’t enjoying myself, I honored my feelings and left. Over time, I started to draw men to me who had values and interests similar to mine. This made dating more enjoyable and I was able to have fun, even if my date wasn’t the love of my life.

Are you having a good time dating? If you’re not meeting people you enjoy being with, change it up. Over the years I’ve heard stories of people meeting their partner in every conceivable place. Stay open and light-hearted. Be the kind of person people want to be with and have fun.

What’s on Your List?

2012-01-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

So do you have one – a wish list of qualities you’d like to have in your ideal partner? Having such a list is a good idea. How will you know when you find it, if you don’t know what you’re looking for? There are many wonderful people looking for partners (there really are!), so it helps to narrow down the field of possibilities a bit.

As you make your list, keep in mind the point from last week, that you first have to be everything on your list. What are your priorities? When making my list, I was definitely influenced by my past relationships. I included some of the qualities I felt were essential that were not present in my previous experiences. What lessons have you learned about what’s vital for you? It may help to list the people you admire, married or single, that you feel are or would be a wonderful partner. Can you recognize common traits among them? Are you drawn to generosity, authenticity, or humor?

Strive for balance as you compose your list. With any choice, we don’t want to settle, yet we need to be realistic. Expecting someone to love and accept you, flaws and all, is one thing. Seeking someone to make you feel worthy or lovable is another. When I was dating, there were several men I encountered who appeared to be measuring me up, as if we were competing. I finally concluded that they were looking for someone to whom they felt superior, so they could feel good about themselves in comparison. Putting your sense of self worth in someone else’s hands is always a slippery slope! When making your list, focus on qualities of character.

Finally, you don’t have just one chance to get it right. Review you list as you go. Revisions are a valuable part of the process. They mean you’re learning about yourself and getting clearer, and those are good things.

Your Dating Intentions for 2012

2012-01-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

For many of us, January means a fresh start. This was particularly true for me in 2007. In the spring of 2006, I had set the intention to meet the love of my life by the end of the year. This wasn’t a date I pulled out of the air; I’d been doing my inner work and just completed the seven-week process outlined by Katherine Woodward Thomas in her wonderful book, Calling in the One. But despite my best efforts, it didn’t happen, and I spent the holidays single – again.

After reflecting on my experience and beliefs over the holidays, I decided not to give up. I acknowledged that I had made progress and vowed to continue. I recommitted to having only sane sex, no matter how long it took. On January 13, 2007, I met Roger. By Valentine’s Day, I knew he was the one. This may sound quick, but Roger said he knew the day we met.

So where are you this January? If you’re single, but would like not to be, set your intention. I highly recommend Thomas’ process. In the seventh week, she has you list the things you’d like to have in a partner. Then she calls on you to be those things first. It’s a misconception that we should look for someone to complete us. Do you want a partner with missing parts? Look for someone to complement you, not complete you. Be specific and write it down. Believe it’s possible, because it is. If you have doubts, read the story of Roger’s and me in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles.

Happy New Year!

Making the Close

2011-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

We conclude the year with the end of our series on Selling Yourself as a Single – making the close. Good salespeople will tell you that making the sale is often dependent on the strength of the close. The critical points to remember are to be clear, be sincere, and be persistent.

It’s important to be clear about what you’re asking for. Singles often lack confidence and stumble around, afraid to be direct with their invitation. Remember the episode on Fraser where he never made it clear he wanted to share a room with the woman he invited to the cabin for the weekend? It made for great humor, but poor salesmanship!

Sometimes singles don’t know how to handle situations and end up lacking sincerity. Don’t say you’ll call when you won’t. If you make a date, keep it! Bear in mind that while you may not be right for her, you might be perfect for her best friend.

Finally, be persistent (but appropriate). My first boyfriend asked me out three times before I said yes. More recently, if you’ve read my book you may recall that Roger called me the next day after I tried to break it off with him and offered to take me to see Wayne Brady. Being a huge Brady fan, I agreed and that date was the pivot one in our relationship. One note of caution, however: you need to pay attention for when to let it go. Roger had asked me if he could still call me, keeping the door open. As I mentioned last time, identifying the objections will help you know if persistence is called for or if you really should move on.

Single people are salespeople – we all are. Identify someone you know who sells well and do what they do to get that next relationship started.

Learning from Others

2011-12-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

Being the third of four children, I realized early on that I could learn a lot by watching my older brothers. Paying attention and learning from others is a great way to accelerate our progress. Single people can benefit from the same practice. When you meet someone in a great relationship, why not ask them how it happened and how they keep it going? If you ever meet my friend, Jay, I encourage you to talk with him, as he is a great example of using all the sales techniques I’ve been describing.

Several years ago, after Jay got divorced, he was drawn to a woman in his apartment complex. She was reserved and quiet, so it took some time for him to get introduced to her. Gradually he started conversing with her at the mailbox, learning more about her, and eventually he asked her out. She turned him down, but he persisted, as effective salespeople do. Finally she told him she would never go out with him. He asked her why (he wanted to determine her objections, another excellent sales technique). She told him: you’re too old, too short, and too white!

Think about these objections; they were things he could not change – his age, his height, and his skin color. But because he had gotten to know her, he knew that these were not the things that mattered the most to her. What she really wanted was someone she could trust and depend upon, someone who would be faithful to her. He continued to talk with her, demonstrating that he possessed these qualities. Ultimately she did go out with him.

This week we received their Christmas card proclaiming this as their seventh Christmas together!

Overcoming Objections

2011-12-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

My husband Roger is a terrific role model for using the sales techniques I’ve been writing about. When we started dating, he knew himself and what was most important to him. He took the time to listen to me and learn what my priorities were. Roger met my daughters and father and never balked at the occasions when I was called to give them my time and attention. He noted that I liked Wayne Brady and went out of his way to get us tickets to a supposedly sold-out show, which ended up being a turning point in our relationship.

He was really good at overcoming objections, another critical sales technique. On that pivot Wayne Brady date, Roger gave me his sales pitch, telling me we’d be good together and that life was easier with a partner. He knew that maintaining a home on my own was challenging. He said that although he would retire before I would, he could then help me with my business. Knowing wellness is my passion and that I was concerned about our age difference, he stated that he was in excellent health, got a physical every year, and worked out three times a week. Roger had discovered we had a lot in common, and he persisted with me until I could see it, too.

We can’t overcome objections until we know what they are. Rarely do people tell us early on and specifically what they object to, often because they’re not entirely certain themselves! This is all part of creating emotional intimacy and a lasting relationship, and it takes time and some effort. Next time I’ll tell you about a man who was willing to pay the price and was rewarded for it.

Singles, Why Not Express Rather Than Impress?

2011-12-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

One thing most, if not all, singles have experienced is rejection. We’ve been looking at single people as salespeople, because using selling techniques effectively helps us get to “yes” and avoid the painful experience of being rejected. One area where I’ve seen many singles fall short is in recognizing their strengths, what they have to offer to another.

Too often singles get caught up in trying to impress, like our bowler from last time, rather than focusing on the need to express their authentic selves. Each of us has gifts, strengths, talents, passions – things that will naturally draw others to us when they’re made aware of them. Recognizing these (remember that “How Well Do You Know Yourself” piece from a couple of months ago?) and simply expressing them is all it takes. The striving and conniving to look good or worse, outshine the one we’d like to impress, is likely to backfire on us. It’s also a lot of work! You’ll find it works so much better when you feel good about yourself because of who you are, not because you see yourself as superior to another. Capable, confident people are much more attractive than competitive showmen (or women).

What makes this even more powerful is when you’ve discovered what the other person is looking for, because then you can emphasize your most relevant strengths. Good salespeople do this all the time. They listen carefully to find out what the prospect needs and then focus on the features of the product that fill the need. Singles can do the same thing, provided they’re being honest and true to themselves, of course. And if the fit isn’t there, it’s likely to be obvious to both of you, making it easier to more on with grace and ease.

You are an amazing person! Know and express it!

Appearance, Reputation, and Competence Build Confidence

2011-12-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

For singles to have the kind of dating experience they’d like, they need to learn to sell themselves successfully. Last time we looked at the first step: learning the other person’s needs by listening and paying attention. From there, singles need to gain the other party’s confidence. The first factor to consider here is appearance. Don’t underestimate the importance of a good haircut (for men and women) and clothes that fit. When in doubt, overdress for the occasion. Gentlemen, this goes for you, too. If she’s in a dress and heals, jeans are not appropriate attire.

Be careful to protect your reputation in the singles community, as it may surprise you how fast word travels, especially now with social media. Even in Phoenix, the sixth largest city in the country, I run into the same people in my business networking circles, just as I did with singles when I was dating.

A great way to build a good reputation for yourself is to project competence. My husband, Roger, understood this well. He was consistent and reliable: he kept his promises and treated my father, my daughters, and me like gold. One of my favorite memories from our dating days was our first Valentine’s Day together, when he drove out to the venue the day before to make sure we’d have a flawless experience – and we did!

Unfortunately, not all my dates had as much sense. I recall a charity bowling event for singles which was set up like a speed date, where the women stayed on the same alley while the men rotated after each game. One man was unnerved by the scores of the women on my lane and refused to rotate to our alley. Eventually he was forced to, and I’ll never forget the sight of him with his back to the pins as he bent forward and heaved the ball between his legs, choosing to throw the game rather than “lose.” Apparently he had no idea what his strengths were and assumed we actually cared how he bowled! This sad display demonstrated anything but competence and prevented him from even attempting the third step in the selling process, sell a solution. More on that next week.

Single People are Salespeople

2011-11-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought of singles who date as salespeople? We are all salespeople really. We’re always selling something – our ideas, proposals, suggestions, invitations, apologies, and excuses. So single people are always selling, too. They sell themselves over and over again: asking for a dance, a date, a one-night stand (heaven forbid), a weekend away, an exclusive relationship, or marriage. If you're single, it would behoove you to understand the five steps of the selling process so you can date more successfully and sanely.

A good salesperson begins by learning the prospect’s needs. To do this, singles need to ask good questions, listen, and be aware. Some have a tendency to talk too much, never finding out what they need to about the other person. Others prefer to skip this step and start selling right away. I remember a man I met at a mixer who after two minutes of conversation asked me if I wanted to leave and “go make out” with him! I wish I could tell you this happened decades ago, but no, we were both in our forties. Clearly he had no idea what my needs and interests were – but I got a good idea of what his were!

On the other hand, I recall a gentleman I dated who was particularly good at listening and paying attention. He understood I had a wellness consulting business, and he made note when I told him I was to be interviewed on the radio. He stopped working at just the right time on the afternoon of the interview so he could listen. Later he told me all about it, repeating back what I’d said that he liked. He was clearly listening well, before and during the interview, so he knew what was important to me. This got him started on the second step very effectively: gain the prospect’s confidence. Join me next time for more stories on that.

Emotional Intimacy Summed Up

2011-11-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

For weeks I’ve been writing about how to foster emotional intimacy. While there is no set process per se of course, I’ve been describing the actions that make sense to me: know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, strive for safety and trust in the relationship, listen with compassion, demonstrate trustworthiness, always be honest, and know when to be open.

So how do you begin? As you might suspect, I encourage you to read Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles. It’s now available on Kindle and includes these steps in greater detail along with many stories of my own experiences. Make a commitment to have only sane sex and decide what other boundaries might be appropriate for you. For instance, perhaps you’ve become aware of a pattern related to blind spots or weaknesses. Seek the support you need, from your Higher Power, a close friend, or a mentor, someone who will stand with you. Finally, start at the beginning, by spending time with yourself. There is always more to learn about who you are, and being able to truly express your uniqueness is a great signal to the universe that you are ready to meet your partner.

I’d love to hear from you. Let me know how I can support you or what other topics you’d like to see explored here. I’m on the path with you!

Honesty and Openness

2011-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” George Washington

As trust grows in our relationships, so does the potential for emotional intimacy. Self-disclosure is necessary if we are to share with another on a deep level, and it involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand that these are not the same thing. To be honest is to tell the truth. For me, honesty is a requirement in all relationships. Lies and half-truths destroy trust in a fraction of the time it takes to build it. If we don’t know for sure that someone is telling the truth, what’s the point of having the conversation? So honesty is a non-negotiable.

Openness is another matter. We can be honest without being open. For example, let’s say someone I know got a new tattoo. Tattoos are not my favorite; they’re just not my thing. If asked my opinion about the tattoo, I wouldn’t want to hurt the person and say I didn’t like it. What good would that accomplish? I could say that they were right in style, keeping up with the times, or something similar along those lines. That would be honest, yet not really open about my personal feelings.

In our dating relationships, we want to be alert regarding how open we should be. Generally speaking, we should strive to be at the same level of openness as the other person, increasing the degree of intimacy gradually. When one person is an open book and the other very guarded, the relationship is out of balance, a warning sign. This means we need to pay attention not only to our own openness, but to the other person’s, as well. What are they not telling you?

If this issue resonates with you, I invite you to read my book. I’ve learned the hard way over the years and I’d love to save you some of the disappointment I experienced!

More Ways to Demonstrate Trustworthiness

2011-11-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last time we explored understanding the other person, clarifying our expectations, and keeping commitments as ways to be trustworthy. Let’s finish looking at trustworthiness by considering Covey’s other three practices to strengthen relationships and enhance trust.

Covey’s fourth action is pay attention to the little things. In this case, we may want to stay alert and go out of our way for our partner, noticing what he or she likes and putting the other person’s needs and/or preferences ahead of our own. It might be as simple as knowing how she takes her coffee or that watching Monday night football is a ritual he enjoys. There are several ways we could practice Covey’s fifth action, demonstrate personal integrity. These include being honest, but sensitive, even when the other person may not like what we have to say; honoring any confidences that have been shared; and being gracious when our partner makes a mistake or admits a fault. One way to test your motives in this area is to ask yourself if your words and actions will build up the relationship. Remember that the objective is to be close, not to be right. Finally, when we acknowledge our mistakes first, without waiting to be confronted, and are sincere in expressing our regret, we demonstrate the final action, apologize when you make a mistake. A sincere apology is a simple, yet powerful tool for strengthening relationships!

Our ultimate goal with all of these actions is to create an environment of safety and trust. These are critical components for the final step in achieving emotional intimacy: becoming more intimate. Join me next time as we address the effective use of self-disclosure.

Being Trustworthy

2011-10-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Recently we’ve been looking at how to encourage emotional intimacy to develop and how trust is a major component. Perhaps the easiest, most effective way to build trust in a relationship is to be trustworthy. Author Stephen Covey’s six actions for strengthening relationships and enhancing trust are a great framework. Let’s look at the first three in the context of a dating relationship and some possible actions we could take that align with our steps for achieving emotional intimacy.

Covey’s first action is to understand the other person. We could strive for this by listening with compassion, withholding judgment, and imagining how the person might be feeling. The use of gentle probing questions can also help us better understand as can restating in our own words what we heard the other person say. His second suggestion, clarify your expectations, can be facilitated by our gaining greater self-knowledge, holding realistic expectations of our partner and our relationship, and being forthcoming about what we need. Let’s avoid assuming people know what we mean or what we need and just simply state these things instead. Keep your commitments is Covey’s third action for strengthening relationships. Here we’ll want to keep our word, be on time, and only make promises we know we can keep. I remember how good Roger was at keeping his commitments. He called when he said he would and he didn’t just talk about things we would do – he arranged for us to do them!

Being trustworthy by actually demonstrating we can be trusted is so much more effective than just verbalizing it. Next week we’ll look at Covey’s final three actions and how they can help us achieve greater emotional intimacy.

Compassionate Listening Enhances Trust

2011-10-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

Emotional intimacy requires a high level of trust, and trust is established over time. When we have superficial sex, typically early in a relationship, there can be no trust and therefore no real intimacy. When we commit to sane sex, we’re willing to invest the time it takes to build trust, and one practice we can use is compassionate listening.

To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?

Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.

Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.

However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.

Safety and Trust Encourages Emotional Intimacy

2011-10-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

A definition of intimacy that I offered in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles was “a close relationship rich in familiarity, understanding, and confidence formed in a quiet atmosphere where detailed knowledge and private utterances could be exchanged.” Given this definition, it makes sense that when you’d like to become emotionally intimate with someone, you need to know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, and then create an atmosphere of safety and trust. If you are to exchange “private utterances” with this person, it’s essential that you feel absolutely safe when sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, and emotions.

Picnics, quiet dinners, scenic boat/train rides, and other activities that allow you to talk comfortably are ideal for sharing meaningful conversation, expressing the need for support, and acknowledging concern for each other. Even car rides can be opportunities for dialogue, so keep the radio and DC player off. Movies, concerts, tours, and other similar forms of entertainment are comfortable introductory dates, but they’re not suited for the kind of communication needed to foster intimacy.

As you’re getting to know your partner better, you need to evaluate your own safety and comfort levels. Stay alert both to how your partner responds when make yourself vulnerable and to your own inner guidance. Be careful not to ignore or rationalize any feeling of discomfort you may be having about your own sense of safety and acceptance by the other person. Emotional intimacy with the right person will be comfortable, secure, and fulfilling.

Recognizing an Appropriate Partner

2011-10-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last time I looked at knowing yourself well as the first step to becoming emotionally intimate with another person. Once you’ve made some progress in this area (I’m not sure we can ever know all there is know about ourselves), the next step is to be able to recognize a suitable partner, someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate. To do this, you’ll need to use discernment and have realistic expectations.

There are two traps people fall into at this point: having unrealistic expectations and overlooking red flags. I imagine most of us have known someone who had an unrealistic wish list for their potential partner. A classic example of this is the television character Frasier with his dilemma over whom to date – Fay or Cassandra. Neither woman completely measured up and he just couldn’t get past it. If you’ve been searching for a long time, re-examine your must-haves. A look in the mirror is almost always helpful. After all, you’re the common denominator in every one of those situations where the other person didn’t measure up.

Overlooking red flags is a more common problem, I’ve found. I know I got caught more than once staying a relationship that had no chance of success – and the indicators were there from the start. The longer we’ve been looking, the more likely we are to get impatient and ignore or settle. (And didn’t I just say not to be too particular?) The questions to consider are: 1) Is this someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate? Remember that the “get to know yourself well” step applies to your partner, too, not just you. 2) Is this someone with whom you would like to share yourself on deep level? Are they someone you can trust enough to be honest and open with? Red flags include vague responses to your questions, over-reliance on humor, a history of short-term relationships, and inappropriate reactions when you’ve made yourself vulnerable.

Get a handle on these two pitfalls and you’ll be on your way to recognizing someone you’ll want to spend more time with. At that point, you’ll be ready to create an atmosphere of safety and trust, which we’ll look at next week.

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

2011-09-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

As you may know, the sane sex model begins with attraction typically, and only after emotional intimacy is reached does physical intimacy occur. For most people, the attraction part is pretty easy. It’s the emotional intimacy part that’s the rub. Just how does one become emotionally intimate with another?

Emotional intimacy requires sharing ourselves honestly at a deep level. The first step to achieving emotional intimacy with someone is to know yourself and to be comfortable with that sense of self. Concerns about how much or what to share or when to let your guard down are issues to address down the road. We need to begin internally first, with our own inner work. When we don’t take the time for reflection or when we don’t want to face what’s going on with us, it’s impossible to be honest or deep with another person. We may be projecting what we think the world expects, needs, or wants us to be. We may think certain motives are behind our behavior, when in reality it’s fear that underlies our actions.

Our attention is pulled in dozens of directions at a time in the form of advertisements, technology, and the media. We are so wired today that we’re unlikely to find the time to be still and connect with ourselves. We need to make the time. Whether you are seeking that special relationship or want to deepen one you have, I encourage you to spend time not by yourself, but with yourself every day. This time invested will ultimately enable you to achieve emotional intimacy more quickly and easily with the right person.

Sane Sex and Spaghetti

2011-09-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother said that life was like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get. While I love any reference to chocolate, I like to see life as a bowl of spaghetti, because, like each strand of pasta, everything touches everything else.

This is certainly true when it come to physical health, emotional health, and satisfying sex. Research repeatedly demonstrates the interconnections among the three and suggests that people who have strong, intimate relationships tend to have fewer chronic diseases and live longer. Dr. Julia Heiman, PhD, director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University explains that a satisfying sex life can promote good health, which then can enhance physical health. Orgasms, or even loving touch, can cause the body to release chemicals that reduce pain, enhance immunity, or improve mood well after the initial pleasure has passed.

I occasionally hear statements endorsing a “friends with benefits” arrangement, where although the parties are not in an exclusive, loving relationship, they find the sex enjoyable. While these relationships don’t seem to harm either person, let’s understand that they’re limited. The benefits described above that come from strong, intimate connections are unlikely to result. The idea here is not to make anything right or wrong, but rather to be absolutely clear about what we want and what we’re likely to get given the choices we make.

Is Sane Sex for Teenagers?

2011-09-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when people hear about my book they comment that they’d like to give it to a teenager they know. I have mixed feelings about this. Certainly I want teens to know not just about safe sex, but about sane sex, which is more likely to protect them both physically and emotionally. I want them to understand that having sex is a big deal, not appropriate first date behavior or a recreational activity to alleviate boredom. But I have concerns about anyone engaging in behavior that could result in pregnancy when they are not prepared to raise a child. This clearly applies to high school students.

Elizabeth Rice Allgeier, a psychologist and retired professor from Bowling Green University, developed the following questions for teens to consider when contemplating having sex:

- Do you feel guiltless and comfortable about your level of involvement?
- Are you confident that you will not be humiliated and that your reputation will not be hurt?
- Is it true that neither you nor your partner is pressuring the other for sex?
- Will having sex be an expression of your current feelings for the other, rather than an attempt to improve a poor relationship or prove your love?
- Can you discuss and agree upon an effective method of contraception and share the details, responsibilities, and cost of using the method?
- Can you discuss the potential for contracting or transmitting sexually transmitted diseases?
- Have you discussed and agreed on what both of you will do if conception occurs?

I like this list for teens, and I think it has value for adults, too. I would add the following questions:

- Have you agreed to see each other exclusively? (Are you sure you want to have sex if you haven’t?)
- Do you love each other? (Are you really sure you want to have sex if you don’t?)

If you’ve read my book, these last two points shouldn’t be a surprise. Sex is sane when it’s safe and happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship – and that’s my wish for anyone who is sexually active.

Are Your Expectations Getting in the Way?

2011-09-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

If you’ve read my book, you know that I used Katherine Woodward Thomas’ wonderful book, Calling in the One, on my journey to meeting the love of my life, Roger. One point Thomas emphasized was not to allow your expectations to cause you to miss an ideal partner. She candidly shared that she had almost made this mistake, so I paid careful attention to her advice – or so I thought.

I must admit that as I was dating, I saw myself with someone who was close to my age or even younger. I’m in excellent health and am frequently told that I don’t look my age, so I thought this made sense. Another factor in my reasoning was that my mother had recently died, and I saw how hard it was for my father to be alone. The last thing I wanted was to be in that position. I met Roger on a Saturday night and went to singles mixer the following Thursday where I met two other men I was interested in getting to know better. (By this time in my process, I was getting much more skilled at calling in suitable potential partners.) Of the three men, Roger was the oldest, and he did not fit my image of being “close to my age or even younger.” Dating three men at once was every bit the challenge one would expect it to be, so I was eager to narrow down my choices. I tried to break it off with Roger, but he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. In the end, I discovered he was right.

Thank heavens, I, like Katherine, got a second chance to get it right. Expectations come in many forms. Be aware of yours, and don’t let them blind you to someone who might just be the love of your life!

Use the Law of Supply and Demand to Your Advantage

2011-09-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever taken Economics, then you’re probably familiar with the law of supply and demand which says when the supply of a product is higher than demand, price is low; when demand is greater than supply, prices go up. We’ve all felt this at the gas pump as oil producing nations cut production to lower supply and our bills at the pump increased.

While high gas prices are unpleasant, the negative effects of this law are even worse when dating. My research demonstrated this law in action repeatedly. Women particularly reported that having many short term, casual encounters left them feeling devalued and unappreciated. They literally felt their value diminish. Value and price represent the same thing, and these women had increased supply, so their perceived value went down. (Their true value as human beings did not, of course, but in the dating arena they were no longer seen as special or unique – think paper clip from last week!)

The solution is to remember that you have tremendous value – and to act like it! You can affect your perceived value by keeping supply low. It’s very empowering really because you are in control of your value. The sane sex model is the perfect framework for this approach. Postponing physical intimacy until after becoming emotionally intimate says to your partner and the world, “I’m worth the wait,” and you are!

Be a Diamond, Not a Paperclip

2011-08-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

If given the choice, would you rather be a diamond or a paper clip? This is what I like to ask people when they tell me all the reasons why superficial sex works for them. It’s not a trick question, and once people realize this, they’d rather be the diamond, of course. So would I!

However, with superficial sex, we behave as if we’re paper clips - ordinary, commonplace, everyday items. When we sleep with virtually everyone we go out with, for whatever the reason, we’ve made being intimate with us a common, routine experience. Just as we wouldn’t get excited to find a paperclip on the floor because they’re so common and inexpensive, when we don’t act like the treasure we are, people won’t see us as one either.

A diamond is unique, rare, beautiful and of high value – sounds like a human being, doesn’t it? There’s a diaper commercial being aired lately that describes every baby as a miracle. I was struck today that nothing really changes (or should) as we age. Each person is a miracle, including you! The adjectives I apply to a diamond are relevant to you throughout life, so claim that for yourself. You are a diamond, a treasure!

The Wait Isn’t Easy, But Consider the Alternative

2011-08-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was getting ready for my day, I overheard a sitcom that my daughter was watching on television. The female lead was lamenting over the decision she’d made to sleep with a virtual stranger just so she could finally have sex. It had been three years since she’d been with a man. She discovered he wasn’t quite what she thought he was, and now she had to make sure he didn’t expect anything more from her.

Her distress was not just about the position she’d put herself in; it was also that she’d been so intimate with someone she considered a loser. While I hate to see superficial sex portrayed on television, at least it wasn’t glamorized. In fact, this outcome is very much the norm when we aren’t committed to having sane sex.

Although the show as a comedy made light of the leading lady’s feelings, let’s acknowledge that it is difficult to go so long without the warmth and intimacy that meaningful sex offers. I devoted an entire chapter in my book to this subject. I remember being in this character’s position when I was dating and the many times I reached out to my friends for support. I found that as I got clearer about what I brought to a relationship, I started to attract men who were more suitable as partners. While we weren’t having sex, my dating experience was much more enjoyable than it had been. I also found that physical contact is not all or nothing. There are many forms of physical closeness and sexual expression besides having sex.

I encourage you to hang in there if you find yourself tiring of the wait. “No sex” may be tough, but bad sex is worse.

Staying in Alignment

2011-07-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever followed Today’s Dating Model, you probably noticed that something doesn’t feel quite right. You may recall that with Today’s Dating Model people move from attraction to physical intimacy very quickly, without having experienced emotional intimacy. The discomfort that results is from being out of alignment.

We are not just physical or sexual beings. We are also spiritual beings, and we’re complex. Body, mind, and spirit are all interwoven. For instance, we can physically feel our emotions, with a knot in the stomach or tightness in the shoulders. When presented with the chance to do something we find enjoyable, our energy level lifts immediately. We just can’t compartmentalize our bodies from our thoughts or feelings. So when we engage in sex before becoming emotionally intimate with someone, the various types of intimacy are out of alignment. Like the sensation we have when our car is out of alignment, it doesn’t feel comfortable.

With the Sane Sex Model, physical intimacy is postponed until emotional intimacy is created. As we get to know the other person and disclose more of ourselves to create greater emotional intimacy, it’s natural to get physically closer, as well. Keep in mind that there is an array of ways to gradually express greater physical closeness. Just as we wouldn’t divulge our deepest secrets to someone we barely know, it doesn’t make sense to have sex with that person either.

The Sane Sex Model honors your heart and your body. It keeps everything in alignment, making it much more likely to have a fulfilling experience emotionally and physically.

Joanne's Appearance on Lifetime Television's The Balancing Act

2011-07-19T11:28:00.001-07:00

What Are Your Blind Spots?

2011-07-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

Are you aware of your blind spots? Not sure what I mean by that? A blind spot is an area where we’re not seeing clearly. Because it’s blind to us, we’re unaware of it, at least initially. After we get burned a few times, however, we can start to recognize a pattern and begin to see what we’ve been overlooking.

When I was dating, I noticed I had a blind spot for religious or spiritual men. I was so taken by their spirituality that I failed to see them as men, too, who like the rest of us have their shortcomings. When we have a blind spot toward someone, we tend to give them too much credit; may trust them too soon, before they’ve really earned our trust; and simply will not see them in totality. Common things that may blind us include wealth, job title, education and other credentials, memberships, accomplishments and awards, and relationships – who they know. For instance, we might be blinded by his advanced degree, her knowing a celebrity, or his expensive car. Someone’s ability to do something we find difficult can certainly create a blind spot for us. Keep in mind that blind spots can go the other way, too. We may allow someone’s poor dress, rundown home, or low level job blind us to their wonderful character or loving attitude.

So if we’re blind to them, how do go about recognizing blind spots? One of the best ways I know is to take regular time, daily if you can, to be still and reflect. I enjoy sitting in my backyard early in the morning listening to my fountain and watching the hummingbirds. All kinds of insights come to me during these times. Spend time thinking about the people who surprised you, who turned out to be different than you expected. Journaling about these experiences and reviewing your entries over time will help you catch patterns. The idea here is not to be critical with yourself, but rather to observe your tendencies, assumptions, and thoughts. Over time if you’re honest with yourself and observant, any blind spots you have should become apparent. Congratulate yourself when recognize one because that’s the most important step to overcoming it!

Hey Guys, If You Want to Sleep With Her, Don't Compete With Her

2011-06-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

If you’re reading this blog, you know that I advocate sane sex which puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. To become emotionally intimate with someone, we first have to know ourselves. And if we want to have a balanced, healthy relationship, we need to like what we find.

So often I’ve found men looking outside themselves for validation. It seems many men only feel good about themselves if they see themselves as superior to those around them, including the person they’d like to be intimate with. They engage in making comparisons of themselves to their potential partner, evaluating every area that’s important to them – and the list is long! I’ve seen it include income; job title; education; athletic abilities of every kind, such as running, throwing, lifting, aerobic endurance, strength, and yes, bowling; public speaking; writing; reading; and of course, driving. When they perceive that they’re measuring up in these areas, they feel good; when they don’t, they reject the other person.

I’ve seen many women wonder what they’ve done wrong, and I’ve fallen prey to that mistaken thinking, too. For years women have been cautioned not to win or appear too smart, because men’s frail egos couldn’t take it. The well-intentioned advice was to dim our lights, so their lights would appear brighter. The truth is that when women do that, they’re being dishonest and untrue to themselves. This can’t possibly lead to strong, healthy relationships.

What men and women need to understand is that their lights come from within. We all have the same source, being made in the image and likeness of the same Creator. To shine brighter, don’t worry about finder dimmer lights to be around. That’s living an illusion, having a self image based on smoke and mirrors. Instead, get to know yourself as a reflection and creation of the Divine. Ralph Waldo Trine wrote that as we open ourselves to God, we reveal our God-like powers. These powers are without limits, so the only limits we have are the ones we place on ourselves. Ron Fox expounds on this, saying that as we come to know ourselves, the more powerful we become.

So ladies, be your best and let your lights shine! Gentlemen, take the time and have the courage to know yourself better. Discover how magnificent you really are. Then you’ll be able to find true emotional intimacy with your partner. Remember, if you want to sleep with her, don’t compete with her!

Gentlemen, You Are Magnificent!

2011-06-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen, you are magnificent! My question for you is “when are you going to know it?” I’ve been around men all my life. I have three brothers (no sisters), lots of male cousins, two stepsons, and several close male friends. I’ve also worked in male dominated industries, so I know men are magnificent.

Sadly, I found when I was dating that many men didn’t know their truth. One man in particular, “Bill,” really stands out. We met at a singles event and I was quite smitten with him, to use an old fashioned word. He was attractive, had a good job and education, and described having strong relationships with his parents and two sons. He’d put himself through college, and although it took seven years, he had no debt when he graduated – quite an accomplishment. So while he had a lot to offer, he didn’t have it together.

My first clue came when I gave Bill my card so he could call me, and he noticed MBA after my name. I saw his confidence level drop as he commented on it. He still called me and we did go out – once. Turns out he’d been dating for three years and in all that time never saw anyone more than once. The date was like an interview, which wouldn’t have bothered me (being an HR person), except that he was comparing himself to me the entire time. Bill quizzed me on fitness level and athletic ability, job title, and skills, such as public speaking. While I liked everything he said about himself, by the end of the date he seemed dejected and walked several paces ahead of me as we went to his car. When we got to my house, he never turned off the motor or took off his seat belt, sending a clear message that there would be no second date.

It took a couple of days for me to figure out what had happened. Bill was caught in a vicious cycle of looking for someone good enough to be proud to be with, but not so good that she outshone him. You see we’re like moths and are drawn to the light. So, many men are attracted to bright, confident women. They want to get closer and as they do, her light seems to be too bright. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, so they back off. They have no idea that they can increase the intensity of their own lights, rather than search endlessly for someone whose light is just bright enough, as Bill has done. More on that next time…

A Variation of the Sane Sex Model

2011-06-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

Being an Arizona resident, I visited Biosphere 2 on Memorial Day. You may recall that eight people spent two years sequestered in there twenty years ago. I was so intrigued after seeing the space that I bought Jane Poynter’s account of her experience, The Human Experiment: Two Years and Twenty Minutes Inside Biosphere 2. Jane’s story includes an explanation of how she came to meet and fall in love with her husband, Taber, a perfect illustration of a variation of the sane sex model.

Sane sex most often begins with attraction between two people, who develop emotional intimacy, and only then become physically intimate. A less common, but no less valid progression is to begin as good friends, as Jane and Taber did, developing emotional intimacy first. They endured many challenges and hardships together as they trained to enter Biosphere 2 and became quite close platonically. One evening, after knowing each other for years, they began to see each other differently, and a strong attraction developed. Similar to the typical sex sane model, combining emotional intimacy with attraction results in physical intimacy.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this: becoming good friends with someone (who could be a potential lover), without being attracted to them, only later to find those feelings emerge. It really doesn’t matter what comes first, attraction or emotional closeness, the end result is still meaningful and wonderful. Sane sex is always safe and typically takes place in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship, so how could it be anything less than wonderful?

Are People Having Insane Sex?

2010-12-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

I recently had an interviewer ask me if I thought people were having insane sex, since the title of my book is Sane Sex for Singles. In a sense, I think many are. With most superficial sex, people engage in the most physically intimate behavior they can with someone they barely know. They are not intimate with them in any other sense - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually or financially - yet they intimately share their most precious possession with this person. Doesn’t that seem a little crazy to you?

Why do some people treat their bodies so casually? Why do people smoke? Why do they ignore the many signals their bodies send, such as stop eating, get moving, rest, get some sleep, or don’t drink any more? How is it that people disregard their physician’s advice to lose weight, eat differently, exercise, take their prescribed medicine, quit smoking, or get their routine screening exams?

I think it’s because so many of us take our bodies for granted. We’ve always had them and literally cannot imagine life without them. Our bodies do so much on their own to maintain functional health that it appears we don’t need to make any effort. Our bodies really are amazing. Despite our minimal attention, they continue to function with few signs of distress.

One of the definitions of “insane” is “showing a complete lack of reason or foresight.” When I consider the high price people pay when having superficial sex, it can fit the definition of insane. Often times superficial sex is also unsafe, putting both parties at risk for incurable, life-long STDs, even HIV. Even if it is safe, the emotional risks are very high. As human beings, we are systems, a combination of related parts organized into a complex whole. In other words, one aspect of us, such as physical/sexual, effects every other aspect of us, such as emotional or spiritual. So when the various elements are out of alignment, the imbalance manifests in unpleasant ways. Being physically intimate with someone we are not intimate with in other way represents such an imbalance. Since this result is completely avoidable, I think it’s a bit insane – and sad.

Do an Attitude Check

2010-12-10T16:25:00.000-08:00

In October I was asked to be a guest author at a networking event for singles. Barbara Kennedy, author of Baby Boomer Men Looking for Love, and I engaged the singles in a discussion about dating, sex, and the expectations of Baby Boomer men and women. Although I have lots of singles mixer experience, I was taken aback by the conversations that I had with individuals before the discussion and by the group’s responses to Barbara and me.

Before the mixer, I worked the room, approaching groups of men and groups of women – yes, many of them were segregated just like my junior high dances. When I encouraged them, particularly the men, to mingle and approach the other singles, they resisted, saying that there was no one there they wanted to meet. Of course I challenged them on this. How could they tell from across the room that someone was not even worth conversing with? I reminded them that single people know other singles, and maybe networking as a single would be as beneficial for them as it is for business professionals. For the most part, I was not successful. Other than having a couple of them hit on me, I got little response from them. The “oh poor me, here we go again” attitude was prevalent that evening.

I realized that I’d forgotten how negative singles can be. It’s ironic that I’ve forgotten, because the discouragement and apathy I encountered were a large part of my motivation to write my book in the first place. Dating can be so disappointing for people, especially when they allow themselves to be too influenced by the media. Are you letting your past dating experiences to dictate your future ones? My friend, Lynn, used to always tell me it was a numbers game, and I think she’s right. There are wonderful people out there, possibly right in front of you, but you must be open to seeing them. At first glance, Roger was not the man I expected to show up, but he turned out to exceed every expectation I’d had about who the love of my life would be.

Do an attitude check and consciously put all those past negative experiences in the past. Stay centered in today and expect someone terrific to come your way.

Shifting the Focus - It's About You Not Them

2010-12-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

When I began dating again in 2005, I was not seeing the kind of men I wanted to. Many were more like boys rather than men: they didn’t keep their word, wouldn’t commit to even a date, wanted easy sex, and sought someone to take care of them and be the grown-up in the relationship. Others felt the need to compete to with me, and when my light appeared brighter than theirs, they opted out.

I eventually learned that the problem wasn’t them; it was me. I had to be the kind of person I wanted to attract, and I had to make room for a man in my life. Once I took others’ advice to claim my beauty and began to see myself as someone a man would be fortunate to be with, I began to draw men who were closer to what I was looking for. Some would say that the quality of man I was attracting was higher, but I hate to frame it that way. We’re all intrinsically of equal value and doing the best we know how to do. Some of us just have a better sense of our own worth.

Single women, if you’re struggling as I was, I encourage you to see your dating experiences from this perspective. It’s pointless to lament that he’s not what you want. If you would know your own truth and value, men who hold the same mindset will be drawn to you – and everything will shift.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part Two

2010-11-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

So how do we handle not being called for another date because we weren’t willing to have sex so early in the relationship? Besides keeping the perspective I discussed last time, here are some things that worked for me:

• Continue to be active. Attend concerts, visit museums, get involved with your favorite charity, or join a hiking group.

• Search out new singles venues. Ask your single friends for ideas and give a group you gave up on a while ago another try. People become newly single all the time, so while groups tend to have some long-term regulars, most get new faces all the time.

• Try something you thought you never would, such as speed dating or Internet dating. Just don’t abandon the commitments you’ve made to yourself about the kind of dating experience you want.

• Pay attention to who you spend time with. Avoid single friends who are discouraged or have given up. Seek out your biggest fans and give yourself an ego boost.

• Remember that no sex is better than bad sex. Many of us have been there, so remind yourself of that experience when you get impatient. The solution is not to try what you already know does not work!

• Use others’ success stories to keep hope alive. I describe of my dating experiences and the highlights of my dating relationship with Roger, my husband and the love of my life, in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles.

What ideas do you have? I’d love to hear what has worked for you.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part One

2010-11-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, the prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they will be expected to have sex early in a relationship, even on the first date. This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women and feels unnatural for many people, as it should. This is not because superficial sex is morally wrong, but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment.

Having sex is means making ourselves very vulnerable. When we do this with someone we’ve just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening. Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well. Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.” Sadly, many people don’t stop to consider such things. I found about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third. (I’m sure if I frequented happy hours at singles bars, the percentage would have been higher and there would have been some who would have pushed it up to the first and second dates.)

It’s true that when sex did not happen on the third date, I didn’t hear from them again. While this bothered me at first, I learned to see it for what it was. I remembered Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” I came to realize that often the men dropped out of the game because they didn’t think they’d be successful ultimately. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth their effort, but rather that they weren’t up to feeling like a failure. I discovered that reducing supply really does raise the perceived value, and some of them did not feel that I would see them as valuable enough ultimately!

So how did I cope with having fewer dates than I wanted? We’ll look at that next time.

Is Sane Sex Only For Long Term Relationships?

2010-11-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

I get asked this question fairly often: what about people who aren’t seeking marriage or even a long term relationship? Do I think they should be concerned about sane sex? I think sane sex is appealing to all mature people who date. Relationships don’t have to be long to be sane.

Consider the characteristics of sane sex. First of all, it’s always safe, something we absolutely must have as a non-negotiable. Second, it protects us not just physically, but emotionally as well. Superficial sex is risky behavior. When we expose ourselves so intimately to someone we don’t know well enough to trust, it often leads to feelings of low self esteem and low value. We deserve to be honored and treasured in every sexual encounter we have, and that is much more likely with sane sex than with superficial sex. With superficial sex, it’s not unusual for these encounters to be one night stands. While you may not be looking for a long term relationship, were you really hoping for just one encounter?

Sane sex typically happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship. While this sounds like marriage to some people, it does not have to involve a “permanent” commitment or one that spans years. I have had short term (as in months), emotionally intimate relationships with several women friends over the years, and many people have had wonderful summer romances that meet the sane sex parameters.

Finally, I realize that there are people who truly do just want casual sexual encounters. They are not looking for relationships really, just easy, enjoyable sex. For this minority, sane sex will not be an attractive option. Most people grow out of this stage, though, just as college age people grow up and outgrow getting drunk. When they’re ready for it, the sane sex model will still be there as an effective choice for them.

How Long Do I Have to Wait – Part Two

2010-10-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

How long does it take to establish the emotional intimacy needed for sane sex? Once you know and are comfortable with yourself, it becomes a matter of finding an appropriate partner to be close to. This person needs to have the same self-knowledge that you’ve acquired, so the person that you get to know is the real thing.

Here’s where you really want to be aware and listen carefully. There are signs when someone is emotionally unavailable or unhealthy. Hopefully your self-exploration revealed any weakness or blind spots you’ve fallen prey to in the past, so you can avoid them now. This is important, because creating emotional intimacy requires trusting the other person and most, if not all of us, have had our trust broken at some time. While this trust building, getting to know you better process takes time, how much depends on who you meet and how much time you spend together. If you’re like me, you'll start down the road many times until you find the right one. We simply cannot force emotional intimacy to happen.

As I stated last time, it does not have to be a long wait. When Roger and I met, we’d both done our inner work. We spent time together that allowed us to talk and really get to know each other. Neither of us was into game playing, and we both wanted a long term, committed relationship. He still says that he knew from the day we met that we were meant to be together. It took me a little bit longer, about a month. Keep in mind that I’d been dating for a year and a half and had done lots of reflecting, praying, exploring, dating, learning, and finally letting go in that time.

If it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a loving relationship, the inclination to rush this process can be intense. I urge you to keep the end in mind, as Steven Covey recommends. It will be worth the time you invest!

How Long Do I Have to Wait?

2010-10-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is a common question people ask me at book signings and other places where they see my book without having read it. I admit that the phrase, “worth waiting for,” can suggest having to settle in for the long haul. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

To practice sane sex means to delay having sex with someone you’re attracted to until you’re emotionally intimate with them. So the question becomes, how long does it take for two people to become emotionally intimate? As usual, the answer is that it depends – on several things. Let’s look today at what is first and most important – how well each person knows himself or herself. Emotional intimacy requires sharing at a deep level. We can only give what we have, so we must have a deep knowledge of ourselves to share authentically with another person.

This kind of self knowledge is not as common or easy to achieve as you might think. For example, I’ve been amazed at how many people really can’t tell me their strengths, not because they don’t want to appear boastful, but because they actually don’t know them. Another frequent phenomenon is for people to be unwilling to face what’s commonly referred to today as their dark side. I’ll bet you can easily think of at least one person who acts out in some way without an awareness of where that aberrant behavior is coming from. People will declare, “I’m not angry!” or “Your kidding doesn’t bother me,” when their actions suggest the opposite.

Until you do the deep inner work of knowing yourself, you won’t be able to accurately present yourself to a potential partner. Since achieving emotional intimacy is a process, neglecting this first step prevents real closeness from developing. Others may think they’re getting to know you, but under these circumstances the person you’re presenting isn’t your authentic self, so how can they?

Once you’ve done your inner work, you’ll be ready to find the right person to share yourself with. We’ll explore that next time.

Is Sane Sex for All Ages?

2010-10-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

I was asked recently if the sane sex message applies to people of all ages. It does, although people may receive it differently, depending on their age. First of all, sane sex is a common sense approach to handling physical intimacy when dating. It nurtures both parties emotionally and physically and is much more likely to lead to a wonderful sexual experience than superficial or casual sex is. Putting emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy means we’ll be sharing ourselves with someone we’re really close to and care about. Why wouldn’t that apply to people of all ages?

The bottom line, as you’ve heard me say before, is that having sex is a big deal. Now this may be new information for someone under the age of 30. It wouldn’t surprise me if this never occurred to a college student or twenty-something, given the images shown on MTV, the plots of popular television shows, and the antics portrayed in movies where sex during the first encounter is common. This message will resonate with most baby boomers and people over 40 in general, however. We were raised with an appreciation for the intimacy of sex and at least the privacy, if not the sanctity, of our bodies. So the safe sex message is a reminder to these more mature singles.

New information or a familiar message, either way sane sex makes sense for dating singles of all ages. Commit to being and having the best today and every day.

Hidden Dimensions Illustrates Sane Sex Beautifully

2010-10-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

I recently read Debra Drecksel’s new novel, Hidden Dimensions. It’s a story about a woman’s journey to discover her true self and purpose in life and along the way, finds not only those things, but love as well. What I really appreciate about Debra’s book is that it gives a perfect demonstration of superficial sex, why it doesn’t work, and why sane sex is a much more satisfying, rewarding choice.

At one point in the story, Monica, the main character, searches for love and connection by having a string of one night stands. Rather than feeling close to anyone, she instead begins to lose sight of herself. She’s doing what many people do in real life: following today’s dating model over and over, expecting to find emotional intimacy at some point. This behavior fits the classic definition of insanity, doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome. Being an intelligent woman, she soon concludes that this approach will not bring her the meaningful relationship she longs for. Monica learns that putting emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy, as presented in the sane sex model, nurtures her body and soul and ultimately leads to love.

I didn’t know the author before she wrote this novel, and I know she had no idea what the term “sane sex” meant as she was writing. Nonetheless, I couldn’t have written a clearer illustration of how and why sane sex works than Debra’s work provides. Thanks Debra!

Less is More, With Food and Sex

2010-09-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

As of 2008, only 56% of French males and 40% of French females were classified as overweight or obese, compared to 70% of American males and 62% of American females. To what do researchers attribute these differences? It may well be how the two cultures differ in their perspectives on food. Because the French are less stressed about eating and see it a pleasurable experience compared to Americans, they tend to eat less and therefore weigh less.* We can apply this same thinking to sex.

Unfortunately, the media today suggest that more is better when it comes to sex and lead people to think that everybody is having lots of sex. This is similar to the way food is presented to Americans, who are encouraged to supersize everything. While Americans love getting a lot of food for a small price, the French relish a small amount of delicious food. When is the last time you called drive-through fare “delicious”?

Sane sex is all about foregoing physical intimacy until we’re in an exclusive, loving relationship. This kind of relationship isn’t common, so there may well be less sex happening initially. When it does come, though, it will be something to relish, much like the French experience of food.

* Source – Environmental Nutrition September 2009

Displays of Affection are Like Appetizers

2010-09-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

As I said last time, I don’t see affection as adolescent behavior. One of the problems with hurrying to have sex is that couples rush over or skip some wonderful preliminaries, such as kissing, fondling, and touching. How foolish this is! It’s like skipping the fabulous cocktail party in a dash to get to dinner. Only in the case of sex, we can enjoy both the appetizers and the entrée without worrying about excess calories!

The quality of experiences one can have both when dining and when engaging in sexual activity is quite broad. Settling for superficial sex rather than waiting for sane sex is like continually going through the drive-through when you could be having a five-course dinner. Because sex is such a primary need, one may be tempted to settle for what comes easily and quickly.

Thankfully, however, an alternative is available. Consider that sexual expression and enjoyment are not an all or nothing process but rather encompass a range of possibilities. Have you seen the scene in The Age of Innocence, with Michelle Pfeiffer and Daniel Day Lewis in the carriage, where he does nothing more than remove her glove? It is an incredibly sensual scene, garnering Martin Scorsese acclaim for his eroticism.

Or how about using the Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian text written in the fourth century by Vatsyayana, as a guide? The Kama Sutra is still well known and used today by many couples and sex therapists (Western and Buddhists alike). The book includes kissing, embracing, bathing, massage, and foreplay, as well as what it is best known for: various positions for sexual intercourse. It explores this full array of sexual expression because all these expressions are considered a part of the gratifying experience, just as fine dining incorporates several courses of food.

I heartily endorse giving up the drive-through habit, when it comes to both food and sex. Let’s take the time to enjoy every sensual experience life has to offer us!

Is Affection Adolescent Behavior?

2010-09-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, my husband, Roger, and I attended a networking event and met some new people. We had the pleasure of telling our story to them. While it didn’t take long for Roger and me both to know we were meant to be together, we did have our ups and downs. One of the ups was a simple kiss, an experience I will always cherish. Let me tell you about it.

For reasons I won’t go into here, I had tried to break it off with Roger. He wouldn’t hear of it, though. He called me the next day to ask me to go with him to see Wayne Brady. To this day, I give Wayne Brady much of the credit for Roger and me being together; I am a big fan and would not pass up the opportunity to see him.
Although Roger said we’d go as friends, that isn’t the way it went. I drove myself to Roger’s house, and he then drove us to the restaurant for dinner before the show. All the way there, he gave me his pitch, telling me how good we would be together. I listened carefully and heard the truth in what he said. Roger was very open with me, and we spoke candidly about our age difference, career plans, and future intentions.

During the show, Roger sat very close to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. As it always had, it felt good to be so close to him. Afterward we went back to his house where I’d left my car. We ended up standing in his kitchen where we had one of our most memorable moments. As we lingered there looking into each other’s eyes, Roger took me in his arms and kissed me very slowly and intentionally. I felt that kiss all the way down to my toes.

I will never forget that kiss. Do I think kissing and other acts of affection are adolescent? Not at all. It’s unlikely we ever would have experienced a kiss so meaningful if we had done what so many people do and rushed into sex too quickly.

Do Single People Have a Fear of Commitment?

2010-08-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

On June 22, 2010, the USA Today reported that young adults today are delaying marriage much longer than their parents and grandparents did. While Lyndon Johnson and Lady Bird met in August of 1934 and married that same November, Prince William and Kate Middleton have been a couple for nine years and their engagement is still just speculation. This delay has resulted in an older age for first time marriages: men are now an average of 28 years old and women almost 26. It was five years younger for their grandparents’ generation.

It goes beyond marriage, though. According to psychotherapist Shannon Fox, “This is the generation that won’t commit to going to a party on Saturday because something better might come along – someone better might come along.” I concur with that statement, and I would say it extends beyond young adults. When I was dating just a few years ago, I quickly learned not to ask a man about plans for Saturday on Tuesday – and even Wednesday was chancing it. It seems to be a characteristic of single people, not just young adults.

What is this about, this need to stay open and uncommitted? What opportunity might appear after committing to an event that couldn’t be experienced another day? I wonder if those who resist committing realize what they miss out on when they let invitations pass them by. I remember men who resisted taking our relationship to an exclusive level so they could be free to sleep with other women who came along, only to find no one did and they were alone.

If you’re experiencing what I did, take heart! I did eventually find men who were interested in an exclusive relationship with me. In fact, I had two men I’d dated previously and broke it off with call me after I’d been with Roger a few months. They were checking to see if I was still in a relationship. Whatever you do, please don’t compromise your standards, thinking that’s the way it’s done today. It doesn’t have to be. It’s your life; you call the shots.

An STD You May Not Know About, But Should

2010-08-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of trichomoniasis? I hadn’t, yet it’s one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases around, infecting an estimated 7 million people in the U.S. every year. Sexually active women are the most commonly affected. The cause is a protozoan (back to science class!), which infects the vagina and possibly the urethra. As with other STDs, it is spread during unprotected sex.

The problem with this disease is that the vast majority of infected men have no symptoms, although some do experience burning during urination. Only about half of the women infected have symptoms, which include vaginal itching, irritation, smelly yellowish/greenish vaginal discharge, and pain and itching during intercourse and urination. Sounds like a typical yeast infection, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, untreated trichomoniasis can reduce fertility, cause complications during pregnancy, and increase the risk of contracting HIV if exposed (UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, December 2009).

Thankfully this disease can be cured – with a one dose treatment. If you have these symptoms or think you have yeast infection, but it doesn’t clear up, see your doctor. Better still, avoid it all together and always have safe sex. Of course, I’d like to see you having sane sex. It takes it one step further, protecting you emotionally, as well as physically. Be safe and sane, every time.

Learn How to Work the Room

2010-08-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

When I was single, one of my favorite ways to meet men was at singles events. There are numerous organizations that hold such functions including singles groups, speed dating companies, arts societies, sea and ski clubs, and other outdoor activity associations. It’s also possible to meet single men and women at business networking events, church functions, senior outings, alumni mixers, industry meetings – at virtually any event where groups of people come together.

To make the most of these opportunities, it’s really important that you feel comfortable working the room. Don’t worry if you don’t right now. This is an easily acquired skill, once you know the basics. Here are a few techniques, many of which come from Susan RoAne’s original book, How to Work a Room, which I read years ago. I still use these methods all the time.

• Before you go, have some light topics ready for conversation. For instance, when I was dating, many men were reading The Da Vinci Code. You can read the newspaper or check online news sites. Ladies, be familiar with how the local sports teams are performing. You could talk about shows or celebrities that are performing in town or the latest movie you saw.
• Think about an amusing incident that happened recently. Perhaps you saw a funny commercial or advertisement. It does not have to be hysterical, but do be sure it’s in good taste.
• Avoid negative stories or depressing observations. You want to draw people to you, so be positive and upbeat.
• Go to the event alone or break apart from whoever you came with. Individuals are much easier to approach and you’ll find it easier to break into a group by yourself.
• Look for someone who is alone and approach that person. Think warm, complimentary thoughts as you approach. A smile and simple, “Hi, my name is…” will get you started. Paying a sincere compliment often works well.
• Be interested in that person. Do not look around for someone else to talk with next or for who just arrived.
• If your goal is to meet many people, limit your time with any one person. Be sensitive of the other person’s desire to move on, too. To break away from a conversation, at a pause simply smile and say, “Excuse me” and walk away. You can add that you’d like to mingle, since the event is a mixer, if that would make you more comfortable.
• To approach a group, stand nearby and attempt to make eye contact with someone in the group. Be careful approaching a couple, as they may be having a private conversation. You do not want to appear to be eavesdropping and you don’t want to embarrass yourself or them.
• Throughout the event focus on what there is to like about the people there. Remind yourself that you are worth talking to, as well. This will build your confidence and make others more comfortable around you.

Most importantly, get out there. The only way to get better at anything is to do it.

Are You a Veteran Internet Dater?

2010-08-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

More and more people are, according to sociologist Michael Rosenfeld’s research of 3,000 American couples. While introductions from friends remain the greatest source of matches, Internet sites have surpassed family referrals, the workplace, school, church and the corner bar as the way people find dating partners. Three types of couples most likely to have met their mate online are gay men, lesbians, and straight folks aged 35-44 (AZ Republic, February 14, 2010).

I expect these numbers will grow as more people become comfortable with social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter. The Internet is especially helpful when you’re looking for someone specific, such as a person who loves skydiving and Indian food and speaks French.

I tried a number of Internet dating sites when I was in my late forties and looking. While I think it’s worth trying, I didn’t have much success dating people I met online. (Of course not one friend fixed me up with anyone, so my experience really did not fit the norm!) Many of the men I encountered were not interested in a committed relationship and most wanted to date younger women. Before I met Roger I did date a few men who were my age, but I met all of them at singles events.

Still, I know of several successful relationships that began online, and you may have a different experience than I had. A great resource for online dating, especially for women just getting back to the dating scene, is Finding The Right Man For You: Dating Advice for Women by Lawrence J. Danks. Danks met his wife through online dating, so he knows how to do it right.

No matter what approach you take, if you want to meet someone, you need to stay in the game. The biggest mistake I see people make is leaving too early or giving up too soon. A good friend used to remind me that it’s a numbers game, and I think she’s right. Get out there and have some fun – and be sane!

The Latest on STDs and Viagra Use

2010-07-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

Did you see the Arizona Republic article earlier in the month reporting that men taking Viagra and Cialis had almost triple of rate of STDs compared to those not taking the medications? The results came from a study of health insurance claims for men age 40 and older and suggest that men taking drugs to treat erectile dysfunction may be more likely to engage in unsafe sex than non-users. Not surprisingly then, in 2007 people age 40 to 49 accounted for the largest proportion of newly diagnosed cases of HIV/AIDS, 27 percent, according the U. S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those 50 to 59 accounted for 13 percent.

It is my goal that sane sex becomes the norm, and sex cannot be sane if it is not safe. Ladies, I urge you to insist on condom use every time. Remember that we cannot expect people to treat us better than we treat ourselves. Please do not fall prey to the notion that using a condom means you don’t trust your partner. On the contrary, using protection is an indication of love. Keep in mind that many STDs have no symptoms for long time spans, so many infected people do not know they have an STD until those symptoms appear. The truth is that using a condom is way of showing love and caring for yourself and your partner.

Safe Sex Message Still Not Received

2010-07-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

When I was researching and writing my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles, in 2007, I was amazed to learn that unsafe still happens in every age group – a lot. How is this possible? While the safe sex message is not as prominent as it was fifteen years ago, it is still being promoted. The target age group, however, is young—under age thirty. Yet, although the message is aimed at this audience more consistently than it is at those over forty, an alarming number of young adults still have unsafe sex. Of the twenty-five to forty-four-year-olds surveyed, 39 percent did not use a condom the last time they had sex and likewise for 20 percent of the eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds. Sadly almost half of the new STD infections are among adolescent girls (www.alternet.org/sex/62429)!

How about those over 45? Is it possible they have not heard of safe sex? I think it’s unlikely, but consider a study conducted by the New York Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in May 2008. Of single people with at least two sexual partners, some 44 percent of those over age forty-five reported not using condoms the last time they had sex. A University of Chicago survey of single women ages fifty-eight to ninety-three revealed that nearly 60 percent said they hadn’t used a condom the last time they had sex. It’s not surprising then that, in less than a decade, STD rates have more than doubled among people ages forty-five and older. From 1996 to 2003, the total cases of chlamydia, genital herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital warts among people over forty-five increased by 127 percent (http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/070805/13senior.htm).

But these STDs aren’t the only concern for this age group. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the majority of HIV carriers by 2015 will be over age fifty, and about 15 percent of new infections occur in this age group. It’s alarming to consider that an Ohio University study found that about 27 percent of HIV-infected men and 35 percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms (http://www.physorg.com/news96724718.html).

Although HIV/AIDS is not the automatic death sentence it once was, it not curable. Safe sex is not an option. It is a requirement every time for anyone who cherishes their health and well being.

Lessons Learned from My First Date in 20 Years

2010-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Jim, my first date in 20 years, had what management consultants call an “external locus of control,” which simply means he held outside forces responsible for what happened to him, rather than take responsibility for his life. It’s their version of the James Redfield’s “poor me” control drama.

During our two meetings, I heard Jim three times blame other people or circumstances for situations in his life. When his leg prevented him from standing to teach math, he gave up teaching. I told him of a math instructor I knew who use PowerPoint slides to teach and always sat during class. He said he didn’t want to do that, yet lamented because he had to give up teaching, which he loved. Later he told me about the time he came upon a friendly softball game and was disappointed because he wasn’t asked to play. He said they assumed that just because he couldn’t run, he wouldn’t be able to hit and have someone else run the bases for him. I asked him if he’d explained to the guys that he’d like to do that, and of course he hadn’t. He waited to be asked and then fell into self-pity when they didn’t. Finally, Jim complained to me that he wanted to play canasta, a card game my grandmother had taught me but isn’t well known, but couldn’t find anyone. I suggested he use the Internet to search for people, and the notion seemed quite foreign to him. Jim expected the world to come to him and then blamed it when it didn’t. He just could seem to figure out how to make things work for him.

By the end of our date, I had a terrific headache. Despite my headache and that I hadn’t asked him in, he lingered on my front porch. I had to practically close the door on him to get to leave. He also had no idea of my reaction to him apparently, because he called me the next day asking for a second date. By now I had figured it out. I was true to myself and straight with him. I told him directly that I did not care to see him again, because we had completely different approaches to life. When he emailed me later asking for an explanation for this, I obliged and gave him the three examples I just gave you. As a single mother and a business owner, I had to take responsibility for my life. His attitude was not one I could live with.

So what were my take-aways from this experience? I learned to be more discerning and not to overlook what I might not want to see. I learned that just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily make a good date. I also got clear on what mattered: it was not his physical disability that was the problem, but rather his disabled attitude. Finally, I learned to let this experience go and move on. It was all part of my learning process. I congratulated myself for taking the chance and beginning the dating process again. I had nowhere to go but upward.

More About My First Date in 20 Years

2010-07-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

As I said last time, my first date in 20 years was not followed by a second date – at least not with Jim. He was a nice guy and certainly was safe to be with, but he was not someone I was interested in getting to know better. There were several signs that I picked up, some sooner than others.

You may have been told that when you’re dating you do not want to appear desperate. Having experienced this first hand, I whole-heartedly agree. Jim’s behavior was too eager, too “I can’t believe she’s going out with me” for me to feel good about being with him. That kind of over-enthusiasm wasn’t flattering to me; it suggested that there must be something wrong with him if it was so amazing that I would be with him. This over-eagerness led to Jim’s confusion over my address and the spill on his shirt, no doubt, among other faux pas too numerous to detail here. When you combine this with his walking disability, his diabetes so serious it required multiple insulin injections per day, and his child-like food preferences, we’ve now transitioned from him as a potential partner to a project.

I hesitated to tell you about his disabilities, because I don’t want you to think they were the issue, nor did I want to sound defensive in assuring you they were not the issue. I have dated men with physical disabilities and mental disorders before. What I have learned is that it is not the condition the person has, but how he approaches it that makes the difference. Jim’s conditions were long term; his limp was ten years old and his diabetes was a lifelong illness. But unlike many who learn to rise above such circumstances and go on to succeed and possibly inspire others, Jim used his to seek sympathy. If you’ve read the Celestine Prophesy, Jim was a classic “poor me.” I should have caught this in our first conversation and avoided this painful experience, but I didn’t. I’ll summarize my lessons from this date next time.

My First Date in 20 Years

2010-06-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Many dating stories never made it to my book. One worth telling is the first date I’d had in twenty years. I’d always heard that I could meet “the one” anywhere, so when I met Jim at the public library, I wasn’t too surprised. I was working on a project and he was at a nearby table tutoring a student in math. Having a BS degree in math, this caught my attention. I caught Jim’s eye, too, because I spotted him looking at me several times. Eventually his student left, and he approached me and started a conversation. After a few minutes, we agreed to meet at the diner across the street for an iced tea. When we had been chatting for about an hour, I agreed to go out with him. He seemed a nice enough guy, and I was eager to start dating again.

Jim had a disability and walked with a pretty severe limp. This somehow made me feel safe, so I agreed to have him pick me up at my home. (I didn’t do this again. Although I was perfectly safe, I realized afterward this was not a good idea with someone I barely knew.) Jim called me the day of our date to find out what kind of music I liked, so he could have it in the car. Although we confirmed the time, he was over a half hour late when he called me again. He was lost (we lived about two miles from each other), having read “avenue” instead of “street” in my address. He didn’t call earlier because he didn’t own a cell phone, being “just a poor teacher,” so he had to go home to call me. This was 2007 and every adult I knew had a cell phone. When he finally arrived, the front of his shirt was totally stained. It was summer, so I knew he hadn’t come directly from work. How odd that he would fuss about the music in his car, but didn’t get my address straight or come in clean clothes. The date went downhill from here, including a number of irritating discoveries, such as his not liking any vegetables except corn. I knew this would be our first and last date.

In hindsight, I recognized that I’d overlooked several things, right from the start. His behavior said “desperate,” he was oblivious to my reactions to him, and he had a “poor me” approach to life, which I’ll tell you about next time. Thankfully, I learned from this experience and can laugh about it now.

Honesty vs. Openness – Part Two

2010-06-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last time I looked honesty, or truthfulness, vs. openness, being revealing, and acknowledged that while honesty is not optional, openness really needs to be. Openness is something to be conscious of as your relationship progresses. Since a failure to be open means something is not being said, it can be easy to overlook. We have to be aware of what’s not said, whereas usually we’re focusing on what is said. I remember dating someone years ago who never told me where he lived. I knew he lived in a city thirty miles away from where I lived and we both worked, and I assumed he had his own apartment. Because we lived so far apart, he’d pick me up and take me out, and we’d always go back to my apartment. Eventually I found out that he lived with his parents, something he did not want me to know. It turned out he’d failed to tell me quite a few things, and the relationship ended very painfully for me.

While honesty is something we all must strive for all the time, it’s openness that we can and should at times withhold. Just how revealing do you want to be? How revealing should you be? “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” This is sound advice from George Washington; start small and build from there. Avoid sharing at a level deeper than your partner shares. This is not to play games, but rather to maintain balance in the relationship. Your degree of disclosure should be in line with your comfort level with the other person, as well as with his or her openness with you.

While this sounds good in theory, what if you’re asked a question you don’t want to answer? I’ve said dishonesty is not an option. So what’s a polite way to not be open? I now offer my mother’s advice. She told me that whenever anyone asked me something I didn’t want to answer, I should simply respond with, “I really couldn’t say.” Try it out; I’ve found it to be very effective!

One thing to remember when going through all these steps is to stay alert and clear-headed. Often alcohol is part of our social and dating experience, but drinking can impair judgment. I made it a practice when dating to have one glass of wine, and then switch to juice or water. This enabled me to maintain my sense of judgment and ability to observe carefully, both of which are needed to discern accurately, determine trustworthiness, and decide how self-disclosing to be.

Honesty vs. Openness – Part One

2010-06-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Sane sex, as I’ve said before, happens when put emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. One way to enhance emotional intimacy is through appropriate self disclosure. Opening ourselves up means assuming a certain level of risk. You’ll want to balance your hesitancy to assume risk with the need to be vulnerable to achieve the close, intimate relationship you desire.

Self-disclosure that leads to emotional intimacy involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand the difference between these two concepts. Self-disclosure is meaningless if it is not honest. What we say must be true and accurate, as we understand it. To have someone want to share deeply with us, we need to be trustworthy, so honesty is not optional.

But a true statement is not necessarily an open one. I once dated a man in his forties who had never been married. In fact, he’d never had a relationship with a woman that lasted more than seven months. I know this because he told me. He could have just stated that he’d never been married, and that would have been honest. If he had not told me about his relationships never lasting more than seven months, it would not have been dishonest, but it also would not have been open. Honesty is about being truthful, where openness is about being revealing.

Be careful not to assume either of these in your partner. I’m dismayed to find how frequently characters on television lie to one another. I can recall a popular family drama about a minister and his family where even the minister lies to his loved ones! Still more common is the deception portrayed among dating singles in the movies and on television. Lying seems to be almost expected on some level.

So just how open should you be and what can you do to minimize your risk of getting hurt? We’ll look at that next time.

Superficial Sex Didn’t Work for Frasier

2010-06-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

Have you noticed how common superficial sex, my term for casual sex, is on television today? Just two nights ago I watched a rerun of Frasier where our leading man engaged in sex with a woman he’d gone to high school with and hadn’t seen in years. He had always admired her from a distance but didn’t have a chance with her in those days. Now, as an adult, he had the opportunity to have her at last!

Unfortunately, the morning after she turned out to be nothing like she had presented herself to be or he had imagined. She was loud, rude, and inconsiderate. It went downhill from there, and I was happy to hear him acknowledge his mistake. Putting physical intimacy ahead rarely works, for many reasons. This episode illustrates a common occurrence in dating: people often are not what they seem to be at first. I found this to be true numerous times as I was dating. It may be that they are intentionally presenting themselves to be something they’re not, so we’ll like them. This kind of manipulation does happen.

Often times, though, it’s a case of people putting their best foot forward, as we do on job interviews. They’re especially aware of their appearance, behaviors and reactions, being careful to filter out anything they don’t want seen too early or they think we won’t like. They may be more charming, patient, or understanding than usual, for instance. I think this is natural under these circumstances, and I’m sure I do it myself. So rather than resist it, why not recognize that it might be happening and take your time. Allow the relationship time to develop and for you both to relax enough to be yourselves. Mature people are realistic and don’t expect others to be perfect, and eventually we all have to let our guards down. Emotional intimacy cannot develop until these things happen, and sane sex always puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. Too bad Frasier wasn’t practicing sane sex!

Watch Out for Relationship Traps

2010-06-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

What is a relationship trap? It’s a relationship you stay in despite the warning signs. It’s one where you know (or eventually figure out) that he or she is not for you. Some of the typical warning signs include: his working excessive overtime or spending too much time at the office, her being vague about where she’s been or will be, his or her dependence on alcohol or drugs, his asking you for money, her lack of boundaries with her family, his siding the with guys over you, her blaming everyone but herself for her problems, and his being threatened by your other relationships.

People who fall into relationship traps frequently acknowledge afterward that there were warning signs, but they overlooked them. We do this for many reasons. We may want to be in a relationship so badly, we refuse to see the signs that this one is not working. We may be enamored with some aspect of the other person, such as how we feel in his presence or the way she praises us. The individual may have something we feel we need, such as a large bank account or stable family. It might simply be because it’s easier than starting over.

If you’ve find yourself relating to these scenarios, I highly recommend Marilyn Frazer’s book, The Relationship Trap. In it she tells the story of fourteen women who ignored the signs that he wasn’t right for her. It’s a great resource for someone who is inexperienced, hasn’t dated in years, or has been caught in more than one relationship trap. I wholeheartedly agree with Marilyn’s advice: go in with your eyes open and trust your intuition.

Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part Two

2010-06-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

We looked last time at the risks of comparing ourselves to the people we go out with, hoping to outshine them in some way to feel good about ourselves. This practice is problematic on many levels. For one thing, people are incredibly gifted, so you’ll be hard pressed to find someone you can be superior to in every significant way. Even intelligence manifests in many forms. My mother was better with words than my father, but Dad’s skill at card playing exceeded hers. So it’s likely that you’ll fail with this approach, as did the man I told you about last time, looking three years in vain for a woman he could be better than.

We also risk looking foolish. I recall the bowl-a-thon that was a combination singles event and fund raiser. There were two women on each lane, and pairs of men would rotate through, changing lanes with each game while the women stayed in place. We were not considered “teams” as this was a singles event, not a competition.

I hadn’t bowled in years, so it took me a while to remember there were arrows painted on the lane to use as a guide. By the second game, I remembered this and also got lucky, scoring 167. Unfortunately, the scores were automatically tallied and projected overhead for all to view. I could see the two men from the next lane watching the board. When the game ended, they did not come rotate to our lane as planned. Eventually, the event coordinators made them move, and each one commented to me about my score. One in particular, George, made quite a point of it.

By the third frame of the game, the woman paired with me, Karen, and I had all marks (strikes or spares) and were ahead of the men. I watched George look at the score board and prepare to bowl his next frame. He randomly picked up a ball from the rack that happened to be Karen’s personal ball. (The rest of us were using alley balls. Bowling with someone’s personal ball is not done because it’s been specially drilled for that individual.) He approached the alley, turning his back to the pins. He heaved the ball between his legs and laughed out loud. The ball went in the gutter. Just then, Karen realized he had used her ball. She jumped up and retrieved it as it came up the ball return. Examining the ball, she found a chip and expressed her anger to me. Being about 20 years younger than George and I, she had no idea why he would behave in such a childish manner. I pointed out the disparity between our scores and the men’s and that by throwing away the frame, George had thrown the game, preventing him from losing to the women.

The fact that I recognized what was happening did not make it any easier for me. I came home and told my daughters I was swearing off men! In time I remembered that there are many wonderful, confident men in the world – and I only needed to meet one. Sadly George looked to external things, such as how he bowled compared to women, to feel good about himself. I hope he’s realized his truth by now and knows that it doesn’t really matter how he bowls.

Each of us is a person of worth, made in the image and likeness of God, pure perfection. We have no need to be better than anyone. If you want your light to shine brighter, focus on being your very best, the highest expression of the infinite that you can.

Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part One

2010-06-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves. I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office. What a high it was being around him!

Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that I was a Director or that I owned my own business. He’d want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed threw him! In extreme cases, it seemed that he felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove. If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, the relationship was over.

One man in particular stands out. Our entire first date was an assessment of my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not). He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him. He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through. He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time. Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive. He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him. By the end of our date, he was demoralized. When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine. Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone! It’s not too surprising, given his frame of mind. Odds are, there was nothing wrong with these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others, rather than as ourselves. He was looking for someone who didn’t outshine him. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. His partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract him in the first place. Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make him feel good. But if the light was too bright, it could outshine him. This is just an illusion though. His light is his light. It only appears brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that not only is his self esteem not based in reality, it also varies based on who he’s with.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.

How Comfortable Are You on a First Date?

2010-06-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Many people find first dates nerve-wracking. For me, as a former human resources professional, I was pretty comfortable most of the time because I found them similar to a job interview. Each party is dressed well and on his or her best behavior, carefully monitoring what was said and what impressions were being made. Often, they ask each other questions, very much like an interview, except the questions could be more personal. Where are you from? How long were you married? How often do you see your children? Each side is gathering information, trying to decide if he or she wants to continue the process.

If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list):

• Carefully consider where you go. A coffee date is usually short, happens in a very public place, and allows you (forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time. A movie date is longer; prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer; and takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public. Having a drink where a band is playing is a good compromise, provided you can hear yourselves over the music when you want to.
• Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.
• Be very aware of how much you drink. Stay in control of yourself and make sure you can safely drive home.
• If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.
• Be comfortable and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.
• Avoid going straight from work. Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, having fun frame of mind.
• Tell a friend where and when you’re going.
• Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date. Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss. Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought. It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it. (I reserve this less than honest approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when was the last time I’d had sex!)

The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on it. My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not. I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be. First dates are the same way. People are often not the way they first seem, so you really don’t know if this is the chance of a lifetime. Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.

Your Body is a Temple

2010-06-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you’ve heard it said that your body is God’s temple, so you should treat it with respect and care for it. I don’t disagree with this viewpoint; I just don’t find it very motivating when I need to make a change about how I treat my body. After all, there are approximately 6,697,254,000 people (a 2008 estimate from World Bank) in the world today, so what’s one more or less to God?

I do find it compelling to consider, however, that my body is my temple – and I only have one. When this one dies, the game is over. Have you ever thought that there is nothing you can accomplish, no goal you can have on this earth that doesn’t require your body. Even thinking, writing, and praying all require your mind. And you cannot escape from your body; it goes everywhere you do.

With sane sex, your body is treasured and treated like the temple it is. Think about your most treasured possessions. Do you share them with just anyone? Yet most of them are probably able to be replaced. Not so with your body, so take care with it! As I’ve pointed out before, sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. Don’t you want to share your temple with someone who will treat it with the reverence and awe that you do? (I hope you do treat it that way!) Being well sexually and committing to nothing less than sane sex are truly powerful ways to honor your body temple.

Getting Started at a Singles Event

2010-05-29T16:01:00.001-07:00

Singles events, such as mixers, movie screenings, hikes, lunches, and parties, are a great, low risk way to meet other singles interested in dating. There are lots of people of around, most people don’t know each other, and you can always use the excuse that you want to mingle to break away from someone you’ve spent enough time with.

When you’re just getting started, you may want to go to singles events with a friend or two. This usually works out fine, as long as you remember that you’re going there to meet new people, not to hang around with the person you came with. If you go with other people, make an arrangement to separate. Sit at different tables or mingle individually as you work the room. (Susan RoAne’s How to Work a Room, Revised Edition: Your Essential Guide to Savvy Socializing is a great tool for gaining the skills to comfortably mingle in groups where you don’t know anyone.)

Once you have been to a few events, you’ll find that going alone can be quite fun. Being by yourself forces you to interact with others, and it invites others to approach you. It also enables you to stay as long as you’d like or to go elsewhere (not to his or her home!) with someone you’ve met when the event ends. My husband, Roger and I met at a singles dance which tended to end early. Because we’d each come to the dance alone, it was easy for us afterward to go to a country bar where we danced and talked for another couple of hours.

At a singles event, avoid sitting at a large table with five or more people, particularly at a dance. No one wants to be turned down in front of a crowd of people, so make it easy for people to approach you. It’s often successful to begin by seeking one or two people of the same gender to stand or sit with. Rather than getting involved in a deep conversation, keep it to small talk – and be positive. No one will be drawn to a negative conversation. Sit or stand so you can observe the room and others can see you. Be interested in your surroundings, and make it possible for people to come up to you and break into your conversation. If you someone alone who looks approachable (or needs someone to talk to), this is your opportunity to approach him or her.

Finally, a great ice-breaker I’ve found for conversation is the event itself and the sponsoring organization. Asking the other person if he’s attended other events the group has put on and what they were like can lead to information on how long he’s been dating, how much dating he does, and so forth. People love to be asked for their opinion, so this is usually a comfortable way to get the conversation started.

Today’s Dating Model

2010-05-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

I describe the way most television and film characters, and many single people today, experience dating and sex as Today’s Dating Model. The model is quite simple, containing only three elements. It begins with attraction which is almost immediately combined with physical intimacy or sex, often in the hopes that emotional intimacy will result. In the movies and on TV, this is often the case, usually after some humorous angst on both parties’ parts. In real life, this is rarely the case, and I realize that not everyone has sex in the hope of achieving emotional intimacy. Let’s look at the model in more detail.

Step One—Attraction
The attraction part is easy and is always the first step. It’s not hard to find someone to whom you are attracted; we meet potential mates at bars and clubs and through friends, singles groups, online dating, chat rooms, and social media websites. We also meet at work, as men and women together occupy virtually every profession today. Rather than beginning a relationship with a series of dates, as our parents probably did, many singles today, influenced by television and movies, take an accelerated, often impersonal, approach.

Step Two—Physical Intimacy
In this model, people move very rapidly, sometimes within hours of meeting, to physical intimacy. As we’ll discuss in the months ahead, many reasons influence this decision. For now, let’s just acknowledge that today, for many, having sex is just one step away from having lunch or kissing.

Step Three—Emotional Intimacy
While reaching this step is the desired outcome for many, emotional intimacy rarely occurs when approached this way, except in the movies, of course. On the big screen, the leading actors almost always find emotional intimacy, no matter how difficult the journey. In reality, it just doesn’t work that way. Consider this case, described by Rabbi Shumley Boteach in Kosher Sex: “One woman whom I knew as a student told us that she has now been to bed with over twenty guys … all in a fruitless effort to find love with any one of them, and it just never seems to happen … She has yet to transform a casual sexual encounter into an intense and fulfilling relationship.”

It’s true that, just as it’s easy to find someone to be attracted to, it’s also easy to find someone willing to have sex, especially when no commitment is involved. But what are the odds that a near stranger, someone we just met, is someone with whom we can comfortably share our deepest desires and emotions? They’re not high; in fact, I would say, as a weight-loss expert, that the odds of the average person losing the kind of weight advertised by most weight-loss programs (you know the ones, where the ad reads “results not typical”) are greater than the odds that emotional intimacy will result from today’s dating model!

Yet people work this model over and over, trying to get it right. Most people eventually, if not initially, truly desire emotional intimacy. For the majority, casual sex is really a misguided attempt to find that fulfillment. It’s no surprise studies show that, over the last twenty years, more people are feeling isolated and disconnected. Continue to join me as we explore a more sane, effective approach to finding both emotional intimacy and fulfilling sex.

Grateful for The Pill and Its Advocates

2010-05-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Did you hear that the pill turned 50 on May 9? This is a noteworthy event, since the pill has had a profound effect on women’s sexual freedom and the ability to control their bodies. Still, experts say it did not spark the sexual revolution, despite criticism to the contrary in the 1960s. A Kinsey report on female sexual behavior published in 1953 noted that half of all women had had premarital sex. And it also did not result in a sudden drop in the U.S. fertility rate, which didn’t hit bottom until the next decade (USA Today May 7, 2010).

While the pill gave women more freedom, it also gave them more responsibility. They could no longer blame fear of pregnancy as the reason to say “no.” Women had to own their feelings and claim the right to control, protect, and honor their bodies. In a sense, that’s what sane sex is all about. To postpone physical intimacy until emotional intimacy develops places a high value on our bodies, acknowledging that they are not to be shared freely or thoughtlessly.

Fifty years ago women such as Margaret Sanger and Katharine McCormick fought for women’s right to have access to the pill. Although it was available, many doctors tried to keep it from their patients. (Even today, the pill requires a prescription, even though it meets the FDA’s criteria for switching a prescription drug to over-the-counter.) How ironic it is that so many of today’s women take the freedom of the pill for granted. Regarding superficial sex, the old adage, “just because you can doesn’t mean you should,” applies. Honor the women who have gone before you, and honor the incredible gift of your body. Sex is a treasure and you are a treasure. Treating them both as such is an appropriate way to say thanks.

Friends With Benefits – What’s Up With That?

2010-05-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Are you familiar with a form of superficial sex or casual sex termed “friends with benefits”? It’s a new millennium term, but not necessarily a new concept. With this arrangement, the benefits are sex and the partners are friends. Romantic love is not part of the arrangement, and the parties may or may not be exclusive. A “friends with benefits” relationship is more than a one-night stand, as it typically involves people who began as friends and decided to add a sexual component to the relationship.

The emotions and commitment usually associated with being in love are not present, although the two parties may feel love for each other. The level of commitment these parties feel for each other varies, and the arrangement lasts only as long as both people desire it to last. The goal is not marriage or even a long-term relationship, but rather, the opportunity to have sex with someone each is comfortable with and at least likes. A “friends with benefits” arrangement is seen by many as a more acceptable way to have sex than simply having superficial sex with a near stranger.

Still, the intimacy of the experience is much more physical than it is emotional. As Rabbi Boteach, author of Kosher Sex, describes about a young woman who had had many partners, the sex was “pleasurable, but not warm or intimate.” This isn’t close to what could be experienced in a sexual relationship under different circumstances.

To me, superficial sex is like quarter beers in college. I remember how excited some people were when they had to pay only a quarter for a beer. Even during my college years, a quarter wasn’t much money. With superficial sex, it feels as if you’re getting more, when in reality, you’re getting less. It’s like having two hundred pennies rather than two fifty dollar bills. Thankfully most of us mature out of this quarter beer mindset and seek a more fulfilling, valuable experience from all of life, including sex.

Having Sex is Still a Big Deal

2010-05-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

Despite what we’ve been led to believe, not much has really changed: having sex is still a big deal. Most people over forty know this; our parents instilled this belief in us, even if our actions didn’t always reflect this belief. Unfortunately most people under the age of thirty don’t have this perspective. They don’t know that having sex is not a recreational activity or a way to socialize, but rather an incredibly powerful act with tremendous potential to heal, nurture, and connect.

Having sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. I do think that having an entire person growing inside of you is more intimate, but that’s the only experience I’d put ahead of sexual intercourse in terms of physical intimacy. And pregnancy is only available to half the population; even then, it’s an infrequent occurrence.

So, at the end of a date, when your companion asks, “Do you want to go back to my house and fool around?” (code for “have sex,” in case you didn’t know), politely respond, “No thanks.” Then turn and run! Let’s not take sex lightly or treat it casually.

Do you fool around with your money? Surely money can give great pleasure, for ourselves and for other people when we share it. Money enables us to see the world, educate ourselves, cure diseases, and make more money. Even in casinos, smart people do not fool around with their money; if not used wisely, money can cause us considerable anguish.

How about electricity? Do you fool around with it? Here again, when handled properly, life is greatly enhanced by electric power. Stop and appreciate how many things in your immediate environment use electricity. Our world comes to a stop without it. Yet we recognize the power and potential danger of electricity, as well. We’ve educated ourselves on the appropriate use of electricity, and so it enhances our enjoyment of life.

We value both money and electricity, treating them with respect, and they in turn make our lives more fun and fulfilling. So it can and should be with sex. Sex can be fun and playful, but it also has the potential to be so much more. So please, don’t fool around with sex!

Is Sex a Recreational Activity For You?

2010-05-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

The notion that having sex is just another form of recreation is based in good intentions; most of us could stand to have more fun each day. But the price we pay when we reduce sex to another recreational activity is too high. What’s left to share with our partner, when we develop an exclusive, loving relationship, if we’ve trivialized sex as just another recreational activity?

It’s not as if we don’t have other alternatives for recreation, even along the gamut of sexual expression. We can have more fun in many ways without misusing sex. Yes, the experience of sex should be fun and energizing—but it should also be so much more. When we use sex just for fun, we have nothing left to replace it with. Nothing else crosses physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries the way sex can.
Remember that the point is not that we’re too focused on sex. On the contrary, sex is critically important and deserves our attention. That’s why we have the best experiences when we approach sex with care. As M. Scott Peck states: “So, if it is the best possible orgasm you are after, then the best way to achieve it is with someone who is deeply beloved to you.” Take the time to learn more about the benefits of sane sex.

Myth Busted: Smart Women Carry Condoms

2010-05-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

Have you heard this statement? Perhaps you believe it yourself. Intelligent women dating today know enough to take care of themselves and carry their own condoms. When I first started dating again after a 20-year break, I thought this way. Ironically, what shifted my thinking shifted my thinking was finding out that the only way I could ever have the hope of having safe sex was if I carried my own condoms. I began to wonder how it was that so many men asked for sex, yet never had a condom.

I learned to reframe this statement—women who want to be safe and have sex carry condoms. There’s nothing wrong with either of these practices. I want to be safe and have sex, too. But I’ve come to believe that smart women wait for the right man who will care enough about himself and her to be prepared and be willing to use protection to keep them both safe. Ladies, you are worth his making a trip to the drug store! Gentlemen, this is your time to take the lead. We won’t ask you for a tampon, so please don’t expect us to supply the condoms. Think of it this way: the sock does not need the shoe; it needs the foot. It wouldn’t matter how many shoes you owned, if you didn’t have feet, you wouldn’t need socks. The reality is this: Men worth having sex with carry and use condoms.

Sane Sex or Same Sex?

2010-05-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

When people see my book cover or hear me say the name of the book, Worth Waiting For, Sane Sex for Singles, they often hear “same” sex rather than “sane” sex. I like the phrase “sane sex” because it’s close to safe sex in sound, just as it is on the sexual continuum. I encourage people to step it up a level and commit to more than just having safe sex; I invite them to have sane sex, which is sex in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship.

But what about “same” sex? Does sane sex apply only to straight couples? Not at all. Attraction, sex, love, and emotional intimacy are pretty universal experiences, regardless of sexual orientation. Whether one is gay or straight, having sex with a virtual stranger just doesn’t make sense. Smart, healthy people treasure their bodies, and they want to be intimate only with someone who will also treasure their body. How can a person who barely knows you really treasure anything about you? So sane sex makes just as much sense for those interested in same sex as it does for anyone else.

The Wrong Reason to Have Sex

2010-04-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

As you can imagine, people I knew were quite interested in my book as I was writing it. A former human resources director writing a book about dating and sex?! I remember a friend telling me that she wished my book was already available, because a friend of hers was making poor decisions. This friend had agreed to sleep with a man she’d just met because he’d helped her do something around her house. It wasn’t a major project, like retile her bathroom (not that that would warrant having sex with someone), but something minor like move a heavy object. I’m all for gratitude and expressing appreciation, but can you see that sharing yourself in the most physically intimate way possible as a way to say “thank you” is just too much?

So why do you have sex? Women tend to strive for connections with other people, so some may unwisely use sex as a means of getting closer to someone. Certainly the sense of intimacy is enhanced with a positive sexual experience, but if a certain level of closeness isn’t already there, we can end up feeling more isolated and disconnected than we did when we started. This is especially true if our partner’s primary goal was a pleasurable physical experience rather than emotional intimacy. With sane sex, we allow emotional intimacy to develop first. When emotional intimacy is combined with physical attraction, sex is a natural result that nurtures both parties. Whatever your reasons, think them through and be sure you’re really clear on why you’re having sense and what you want from the experience.

Lady Gaga Agrees - If You're Not Ready, Don't Do It

2010-04-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

An author colleague, healer and friend, Kebba Buckley Button, recently sent me an article from the Arizona Republic stating that Lady Gaga isn’t having sex. She’s single and has decided celibacy is okay for right now. Her busy schedule doesn’t allow her the time to get to know anyone well enough. Good for her! She may not be using the phrase, but she’s practicing sane sex, where emotional intimacy happens before physical intimacy takes place. Lady Gaga points out, and I agree, we don’t have to have sex to feel good about ourselves.