Sane Sex May Resonate with Teens After All

When I write about sane sex, it’s always with adults in mind; the life-creating potential of sex renders it strictly adult behavior.  So when people ask me if my book is appropriate for their high-school son or daughter, I hesitate.  Although I would certainly rather see high schoolers practicing sane sex rather than any other kind, my preference is that they have none at all, at least they’re old enough to marry without permission.  I’m happy to report that it appears we’re headed in that direction.
  

According to the Centers for Disease Control, in 1988, 50% of boys and 37% of girls age 15 to 17 reported having had sex.  Today, the numbers are down and the difference between the genders has disappeared.  Fewer than 30% of all teens surveyed in that age group stated they’d had sex.  I am surprised and delighted by this news!

  

There seem to be two major factors that account for this shift. The first is fear of pregnancy and HIV-AIDS.  Interestingly, more boys than girls cited these fears were the primary reason they postponed sex.  The other factor may be more even unexpected: boys, not just girls, expressed the desire to wait for the right person.  Researchers have found that teenage boys are equally committed emotionally in their relationships as teenage girls.  I should also note that 30% of those surveyed named religion and morality as their motives for delaying sexual activity. Halleluiah!

  

Parents, I hope this encourages you, as it takes courage to broach these topics with teens today.  Don’t be afraid to start the dialogue with your kids; they may well be more receptive than you thought!

How Do You Wish to Be Treated?

I recently thumbed through a journal I kept during my dating days and found a letter I’d written.  It was an exercise I’d done where I imagined how a letter from the love of my life would have read.  There were several purposes to the activity, one of which was to put on paper how I would like to be treated.  How would you like to be treated?  Are you experiencing that?
  
One powerful way to attract a relationship where we are treated in the manner we desire is to first start treating ourselves that way.  If you want someone who is compassionate, first be compassionate with yourself.  (This goes for married people, too.  Catherine Ponder, among others, has many stories of people who changed themselves and noticed a corresponding shift in their spouse.)  If it’s humor you desire or generosity, look at how you treat yourself in these areas.  So many of my clients and people I encounter are hard on themselves, setting unrealistic expectations for themselves.  I know I fall into this trap occasionally, too.
  
Gandhi advised us to be the change we want to see in the world.  A relevant variation on that is to be the person you’d like to attract.  When we accept and are at peace with ourselves, we project that out to the world, and people want to be around us.  Today, be loving toward yourself.  At the very least, it will feel good!

Achieving Alignment with the Sane Sex Model

What prompted me to write my book was the frequent dialogue I had with singles while I was dating.  I found many to be confused, discouraged, demoralized, and occasionally embarrassed. These feelings were the result of being out of alignment, primarily because they had been following Today’s Dating Model.

You may recall that with Today’s Dating Model people move from attraction to physical intimacy very quickly, without having experienced emotional intimacy.  We are not just physical or sexual beings. We are also spiritual beings, and we’re complex.  Body, mind, and spirit are all interwoven.  For instance, we can physically feel our emotions.  A knot in the stomach signals worry and tightness in the shoulders can indicate stress.  When presented with the chance to do something we find enjoyable, our energy level lifts immediately.  We just can’t insulate our bodies from our thoughts or feelings.  So when we engage in sex before becoming emotionally intimate with someone, these two types of intimacy are out of alignment.  Like the sensation we have when our car is out of alignment, it doesn’t feel comfortable.

With the Sane Sex Model, physical intimacy is grows as emotional intimacy develops.  As we get to know the other person and disclose more of ourselves to create greater emotional intimacy, it’s natural to get physically closer, as well.  Keep in mind that there is an array of ways to gradually express greater physical closeness.  Just as we wouldn’t divulge our deepest secrets to someone we barely know, it doesn’t make sense to have sex with that person either. 

The Sane Sex Model honors your heart and your body.  It keeps everything in alignment, making it much more likely to have a fulfilling experience emotionally and physically.

Affirming Your Truth

The use of affirmations, positive statements or declarations of the truth, has been touted for over a hundred years.  I first learned about them from Dr. John Pelizza in the early 1980s.  (Yes, I was very young then!)  He explained that there is a section of the brain that does not know truth from fiction; it will accept whatever thought is repeatedly offered.  When we repeat positive statements over a period of time, eventually we start to accept them as true.

I used affirmations frequently when I was single and looking to meet the love of my life.  Because I was so successful in meeting Roger, I recently pulled out the journal I kept during that period to remind myself what I had done.  Below are some of the statements I used to write or say aloud over and over.  Modify them to fit you.  Make sure that the statements you say or write make you feel good.  If you feel any constriction anywhere, reword the affirmation until it feels good to use it.

·       I value and appreciate myself.

·       I respect my beliefs and opinions.

·       I acknowledge how beautiful I am.

·       I am compassionate toward myself and others.

·       My core relationships are based on trust and intimacy.

·       I am desirable and worthy of love.

·       The man I seek is seeking me.

·       And my favorite one that I often repeated in the car at red lights: I am already connected deeply to the love of my life, and I know my beloved is coming to me right now.

Getting Ready and Calling Him In - Part 2

Consistent with the feng shui changes I described last week, I received other advice that helped me call my special someone in. People suggested that I make it clear to the universe that I wanted and needed a partner, because a man would want to feel needed and that he had a role to fill. This idea translated into several actions.

First, as a single parent, I still had to do the things my ex would have, but I stopped referring to myself as the “man” of the house. I also realized that many of the women’s novels I was reading made men out to the bad guys. I knew that negative energy would not be helpful to my meeting someone wonderful, so I turned to reading nonfiction or the classics instead. If you’ve read my book, you’ll recall that early in my dating experience I met many men who were needy and insecure. I found myself becoming quite discouraged and dwelling on these negative encounters. To overcome this and remind myself that were many terrific men on the planet, I made a list of the great men I knew personally. They didn’t have to be single to make my list, just someone who could be a great partner. I wrote all their names on an index card and carried it everywhere with me for months.

As I took these steps and kept affirming that he existed, even though I didn’t know him yet, I gradually started meeting men who were more suitable as potential partners. Dating became more enjoyable and soon I met Roger.

Getting Ready and Calling Him In - Part 1

So you’re ready to meet someone special. You’re getting out there and giving the events you attend a fair shot. Terrific! Now let’s be sure that your thoughts, words, and actions apart from these conscious efforts are aligned with your intentions.

Early in my journey to meet Roger, I consulted with Feng Shui expert, Sandy Sue Rector, to help me align my physical environment with my intention to meet the love of my life. Sandy gave me the following advice:

- Park on one side of the garage to leave room for his car on the other side.
- Move my bed away from the wall so it could be accessed from both sides.
- Remove my parents’ photos from my bedroom (as he wouldn’t want Mom and Dad watching him).
- Put pairs of things in my bedroom (which was the love and romance area of my house) and use red, pink and white accents.

- Make room for him by clearing out space for his things in my drawers and closet.
- Get clothes for him and hang them in his side of the closet. (When I asked Sandy Sue what size I should get, she asked me what size I wanted him to be!)

Although it felt strange at first, I followed every suggestion she made. It paid off. As Roger and I dated and we used the hot tub, he enjoyed the robe and sandals I had bought for him. When we got married, there was already room for him in my home. Why take a look at your surroundings and habits and see what adjustments you can make?

Give it Your Best Shot

Last week I encouraged those who are looking to meet someone to try something new. Now here’s the rest of the story: you need to really give it your best shot. Too often I see singles missing opportunities because of their approach. Here are some ideas for making the most of your efforts:

• Take an active part in a spiritual community. You don’t have to be an official member to attend regularly and stay afterward to meet people. Join a committee or volunteer, especially for activities that involve lots of people including those outside the organization.

• Give a group you tried six months ago another try. New members join all the time and leadership changes, making it possible that your experience now could be quite different than the last time.

• Be interested in other people. Rather than worry about the impression you’re making, focus on getting to know them. People respond to sincere attention, so don’t overlook this simple practice.

• Learn how to work the room. Susan RoAne’s How to Work the Room is a great resource. Sitting with a crowd of people or standing to the side behind a pillar will not encourage others to approach you.

• Be sure to give each group or event a fair chance. Don’t leave after 30 minutes because you didn’t spot the love of your life when you walked in. Someone special may walk in the moment after you leave.

Perhaps the most important action to take is choosing the right attitude. Decide that you’ll have a good time. Tell yourself that there will be interesting people there who will want to get to know you. Make up your mind to have fun, and you almost always will!