Lessons Learned from My First Date in 20 Years

Jim, my first date in 20 years, had what management consultants call an “external locus of control,” which simply means he held outside forces responsible for what happened to him, rather than take responsibility for his life. It’s their version of the James Redfield’s “poor me” control drama.

During our two meetings, I heard Jim three times blame other people or circumstances for situations in his life. When his leg prevented him from standing to teach math, he gave up teaching. I told him of a math instructor I knew who use PowerPoint slides to teach and always sat during class. He said he didn’t want to do that, yet lamented because he had to give up teaching, which he loved. Later he told me about the time he came upon a friendly softball game and was disappointed because he wasn’t asked to play. He said they assumed that just because he couldn’t run, he wouldn’t be able to hit and have someone else run the bases for him. I asked him if he’d explained to the guys that he’d like to do that, and of course he hadn’t. He waited to be asked and then fell into self-pity when they didn’t. Finally, Jim complained to me that he wanted to play canasta, a card game my grandmother had taught me but isn’t well known, but couldn’t find anyone. I suggested he use the Internet to search for people, and the notion seemed quite foreign to him. Jim expected the world to come to him and then blamed it when it didn’t. He just could seem to figure out how to make things work for him.

By the end of our date, I had a terrific headache. Despite my headache and that I hadn’t asked him in, he lingered on my front porch. I had to practically close the door on him to get to leave. He also had no idea of my reaction to him apparently, because he called me the next day asking for a second date. By now I had figured it out. I was true to myself and straight with him. I told him directly that I did not care to see him again, because we had completely different approaches to life. When he emailed me later asking for an explanation for this, I obliged and gave him the three examples I just gave you. As a single mother and a business owner, I had to take responsibility for my life. His attitude was not one I could live with.

So what were my take-aways from this experience? I learned to be more discerning and not to overlook what I might not want to see. I learned that just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily make a good date. I also got clear on what mattered: it was not his physical disability that was the problem, but rather his disabled attitude. Finally, I learned to let this experience go and move on. It was all part of my learning process. I congratulated myself for taking the chance and beginning the dating process again. I had nowhere to go but upward.

More About My First Date in 20 Years

As I said last time, my first date in 20 years was not followed by a second date – at least not with Jim. He was a nice guy and certainly was safe to be with, but he was not someone I was interested in getting to know better. There were several signs that I picked up, some sooner than others.

You may have been told that when you’re dating you do not want to appear desperate. Having experienced this first hand, I whole-heartedly agree. Jim’s behavior was too eager, too “I can’t believe she’s going out with me” for me to feel good about being with him. That kind of over-enthusiasm wasn’t flattering to me; it suggested that there must be something wrong with him if it was so amazing that I would be with him. This over-eagerness led to Jim’s confusion over my address and the spill on his shirt, no doubt, among other faux pas too numerous to detail here. When you combine this with his walking disability, his diabetes so serious it required multiple insulin injections per day, and his child-like food preferences, we’ve now transitioned from him as a potential partner to a project.

I hesitated to tell you about his disabilities, because I don’t want you to think they were the issue, nor did I want to sound defensive in assuring you they were not the issue. I have dated men with physical disabilities and mental disorders before. What I have learned is that it is not the condition the person has, but how he approaches it that makes the difference. Jim’s conditions were long term; his limp was ten years old and his diabetes was a lifelong illness. But unlike many who learn to rise above such circumstances and go on to succeed and possibly inspire others, Jim used his to seek sympathy. If you’ve read the Celestine Prophesy, Jim was a classic “poor me.” I should have caught this in our first conversation and avoided this painful experience, but I didn’t. I’ll summarize my lessons from this date next time.