Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part Two

We looked last time at the risks of comparing ourselves to the people we go out with, hoping to outshine them in some way to feel good about ourselves. This practice is problematic on many levels. For one thing, people are incredibly gifted, so you’ll be hard pressed to find someone you can be superior to in every significant way. Even intelligence manifests in many forms. My mother was better with words than my father, but Dad’s skill at card playing exceeded hers. So it’s likely that you’ll fail with this approach, as did the man I told you about last time, looking three years in vain for a woman he could be better than.

We also risk looking foolish. I recall the bowl-a-thon that was a combination singles event and fund raiser. There were two women on each lane, and pairs of men would rotate through, changing lanes with each game while the women stayed in place. We were not considered “teams” as this was a singles event, not a competition.

I hadn’t bowled in years, so it took me a while to remember there were arrows painted on the lane to use as a guide. By the second game, I remembered this and also got lucky, scoring 167. Unfortunately, the scores were automatically tallied and projected overhead for all to view. I could see the two men from the next lane watching the board. When the game ended, they did not come rotate to our lane as planned. Eventually, the event coordinators made them move, and each one commented to me about my score. One in particular, George, made quite a point of it.

By the third frame of the game, the woman paired with me, Karen, and I had all marks (strikes or spares) and were ahead of the men. I watched George look at the score board and prepare to bowl his next frame. He randomly picked up a ball from the rack that happened to be Karen’s personal ball. (The rest of us were using alley balls. Bowling with someone’s personal ball is not done because it’s been specially drilled for that individual.) He approached the alley, turning his back to the pins. He heaved the ball between his legs and laughed out loud. The ball went in the gutter. Just then, Karen realized he had used her ball. She jumped up and retrieved it as it came up the ball return. Examining the ball, she found a chip and expressed her anger to me. Being about 20 years younger than George and I, she had no idea why he would behave in such a childish manner. I pointed out the disparity between our scores and the men’s and that by throwing away the frame, George had thrown the game, preventing him from losing to the women.

The fact that I recognized what was happening did not make it any easier for me. I came home and told my daughters I was swearing off men! In time I remembered that there are many wonderful, confident men in the world – and I only needed to meet one. Sadly George looked to external things, such as how he bowled compared to women, to feel good about himself. I hope he’s realized his truth by now and knows that it doesn’t really matter how he bowls.

Each of us is a person of worth, made in the image and likeness of God, pure perfection. We have no need to be better than anyone. If you want your light to shine brighter, focus on being your very best, the highest expression of the infinite that you can.

Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part One

It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves. I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office. What a high it was being around him!

Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that I was a Director or that I owned my own business. He’d want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed threw him! In extreme cases, it seemed that he felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove. If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, the relationship was over.

One man in particular stands out. Our entire first date was an assessment of my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not). He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him. He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through. He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time. Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive. He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him. By the end of our date, he was demoralized. When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine. Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone! It’s not too surprising, given his frame of mind. Odds are, there was nothing wrong with these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others, rather than as ourselves. He was looking for someone who didn’t outshine him. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. His partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract him in the first place. Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make him feel good. But if the light was too bright, it could outshine him. This is just an illusion though. His light is his light. It only appears brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that not only is his self esteem not based in reality, it also varies based on who he’s with.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.