Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

   The sexual freedom presented in the movies and on television today has many people unsure how to behave.  I saw evidence of this when I was dating, and this phrase frequently came to mind: just because you can doesn’t mean you should.  Freedom doesn’t only mean the right to say “yes”; it also includes the opportunity to say “no thank you” or “not right now.”

   I love the idea of freedom.  It angers me to think that when the pill was introduced in the 1960s, physicians tried to keep it from women because they thought it gave them too much freedom.  Thankfully their attempts to confine women were unsuccessful, and the pill turned 52 on May 9 of this year!

   While the pill gave women more freedom, it also gave them more responsibility.  They could no longer blame fear of pregnancy as the reason to say “no.”  Women had to own their feelings and claim the right to control, protect, and honor their bodies.  In a sense, that’s what sane sex is all about.  To postpone physical intimacy until emotional intimacy develops places a high value on our bodies, acknowledging that they are a treasure and not to be shared freely or thoughtlessly.   

   This Independence Day I encourage you to recognize and celebrate all the forms of freedom you enjoy, including sexual freedom.  While we’re at it, we can and should take a moment to be grateful to all those who paved the way so that we can enjoy being free to choose today.

Successful Singles Show Up

Showing up is essential for singles, whether they embrace their single status and intend to remain that way or they desire to meet that special someone.  To show up means to get out there, try new things, meet new folks, and fully participate.

Some lament that the single life is lonely, but it doesn’t have to be.  With 49% of the American adult population being unmarried, there are new groups and opportunities for singles springing up all the time.  And while couples used to be norm, it’s common to find singles alone or with other singles at venues today.  The Internet is a great way to find places to go and people to meet, but to show up you eventually have to get away from the computer and actually leave the house.

Once you arrive, there are lots of ways to participate. Standing in a corner is usually not the best.  If you’re shy, you may want to go early and offer to help the organizer, perhaps at a registration table.  Greeting people will take your mind off your discomfort while allowing you to meet everyone who walks in the room.  If the group is well organized, joining a membership or welcoming committee is a perfect way to expand your singles network.

Another approach is to arrive about 25% of the way through the event, after people have had a chance to arrive, but not so late that they’ve started to leave.  Then be sure to mingle and wear a name tag if one is offered.  For tips on how to work the room, I love Susan RoAne’s How to Work a Room.  Finally, as I’ve said before, it’s critical that you avoid hastily sizing up the crowd.  To show up, you need to stay for a while and give it a chance.  Remember, you have a lot to offer!

The Emotional Bank Account

Over the years I’ve loved Steven Covey’s work, especially his concept of the emotional bank account.  In a nutshell, he says that we have an account with each person we relate to.  It’s an emotional account where we make deposits when we do kind things, extend ourselves, and keep our word.  We make withdrawals when we are thoughtless, selfish or fail to keep our commitments. 

I like this idea, because it makes sense to me.  If we have a large positive balance built up with someone, they are more inclined to overlook a slip on our parts. The corresponding “withdrawal” doesn’t drain our account with them. This concept also appeals to me because it’s applicable in all kinds of relationships - at work, in our homes, and with our friends.

Singles would do well to keep the emotional bank account in mind as they’re building relationships.  Too often people are careless with their commitments, failing to return a call or call when they said they would, or showing up late for a date.  I remember meeting someone for a first date who arrived late and then talked on his cell phone all the way to the venue.  To start drawing on the emotional bank account before you’ve had a chance to build any kind of balance is setting yourself up to fail.

Thankfully, it’s pretty simple to build a balance.  Be honest, don’t over-promise, and keep your word.  Remember, even if that person isn’t the love of your life, their best friend may be!

Impatience Rarely Pays Off

The title of this piece probably doesn’t surprise you, if you’re familiar with my work.  Sane sex is all about waiting for emotional intimacy to develop before becoming physically intimate.  I came to the conclusion that this was the best approach after watching countless examples of impatience not pay off.   Similarly, impatience early in the game, at singles events, parties, etc., when we might meet someone special, rarely pays off either.

Early in my dating experience, I would go out with other single female friends.  At first, we were all hopeful and we’d stay for a while to see how things unfolded.  After several months, I noticed my friends becoming impatient and discouraged.  Too often, they would make a hasty decision that no one interesting was going to come (or if he did, he wouldn’t notice her).  They’d want to leave sooner than I did and usually after being there just a short while.  Sometimes, they didn’t want to go out at all. 

Eventually, I started going to singles events alone.  I discovered that when I gave it enough time, it almost always paid off.  I remember one singles mixer in particular.  I arrived alone soon after it started.  After a few minutes I met a man and we had a great conversation.  He told me he was sorry couldn’t stay longer.  I gave him my number and we agreed to get together the following week, which we did.  After he left, the event was still in full swing.  I stayed and mingled some more and met another gentleman who had just come in.  We ended up exchanging numbers and seeing each other afterward, too.

Now as a speaker at singles venues, I see others make the same mistake my friends did.  They come in, stand to the side watching everyone, and leave after 20 minutes.  How do they know who will appear later in the evening?  It’s sad to see people miss out because they didn’t give the event a fair shot.  Hopefully this doesn’t sound like anyone you know!

Less is More, With Food and Sex

As of 2008, only 56% of French males and 40% of French females were classified as overweight or obese, compared to 70% of American males and 62% of American females.  How can we explain these differences?  It may well be how the two cultures differ in their perspectives on food.  Researchers have found that the French are less stressed about eating and are inclined to see it as a pleasurable experience.  Americans, on the other hand, tend to hurry through meals rather than savoring them, making us more likely to overeat and therefore weigh more than the French.*  We can apply this same line of thinking to sex.

Unfortunately, the media today suggest that more is better when it comes to sex and lead people to think that everybody is having lots of sex.  We’re also led to believe that most people rush to have sex.  This is similar to the way food is presented to Americans.  Food is available everywhere, and we are encouraged to supersize everything.  While Americans love getting a lot of food for a small price, the French relish a small amount of delicious food.  When is the last time you called drive-through fare “delicious”?

Sane sex is all about postponing physical intimacy until we’re in an exclusive, loving relationship.  As we become more emotionally close to someone, our level of physical intimacy increases.  It’s a gradual process, one that can be savored over time.  It may take a while to find someone with whom we develop emotional intimacy, so initially there won’t be much sex happening.  When the relationship does come, though, it will be something to relish, much like the French experience of food.

* Source – Environmental Nutrition September 2009