Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part Two

So how do we handle not being called for another date because we weren’t willing to have sex so early in the relationship? Besides keeping the perspective I discussed last time, here are some things that worked for me:

• Continue to be active. Attend concerts, visit museums, get involved with your favorite charity, or join a hiking group.

• Search out new singles venues. Ask your single friends for ideas and give a group you gave up on a while ago another try. People become newly single all the time, so while groups tend to have some long-term regulars, most get new faces all the time.

• Try something you thought you never would, such as speed dating or Internet dating. Just don’t abandon the commitments you’ve made to yourself about the kind of dating experience you want.

• Pay attention to who you spend time with. Avoid single friends who are discouraged or have given up. Seek out your biggest fans and give yourself an ego boost.

• Remember that no sex is better than bad sex. Many of us have been there, so remind yourself of that experience when you get impatient. The solution is not to try what you already know does not work!

• Use others’ success stories to keep hope alive. I describe of my dating experiences and the highlights of my dating relationship with Roger, my husband and the love of my life, in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles.

What ideas do you have? I’d love to hear what has worked for you.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part One

Unfortunately, the prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they will be expected to have sex early in a relationship, even on the first date. This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women and feels unnatural for many people, as it should. This is not because superficial sex is morally wrong, but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment.

Having sex is means making ourselves very vulnerable. When we do this with someone we’ve just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening. Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well. Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.” Sadly, many people don’t stop to consider such things. I found about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third. (I’m sure if I frequented happy hours at singles bars, the percentage would have been higher and there would have been some who would have pushed it up to the first and second dates.)

It’s true that when sex did not happen on the third date, I didn’t hear from them again. While this bothered me at first, I learned to see it for what it was. I remembered Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” I came to realize that often the men dropped out of the game because they didn’t think they’d be successful ultimately. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth their effort, but rather that they weren’t up to feeling like a failure. I discovered that reducing supply really does raise the perceived value, and some of them did not feel that I would see them as valuable enough ultimately!

So how did I cope with having fewer dates than I wanted? We’ll look at that next time.

Is Sane Sex Only For Long Term Relationships?

I get asked this question fairly often: what about people who aren’t seeking marriage or even a long term relationship? Do I think they should be concerned about sane sex? I think sane sex is appealing to all mature people who date. Relationships don’t have to be long to be sane.

Consider the characteristics of sane sex. First of all, it’s always safe, something we absolutely must have as a non-negotiable. Second, it protects us not just physically, but emotionally as well. Superficial sex is risky behavior. When we expose ourselves so intimately to someone we don’t know well enough to trust, it often leads to feelings of low self esteem and low value. We deserve to be honored and treasured in every sexual encounter we have, and that is much more likely with sane sex than with superficial sex. With superficial sex, it’s not unusual for these encounters to be one night stands. While you may not be looking for a long term relationship, were you really hoping for just one encounter?

Sane sex typically happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship. While this sounds like marriage to some people, it does not have to involve a “permanent” commitment or one that spans years. I have had short term (as in months), emotionally intimate relationships with several women friends over the years, and many people have had wonderful summer romances that meet the sane sex parameters.

Finally, I realize that there are people who truly do just want casual sexual encounters. They are not looking for relationships really, just easy, enjoyable sex. For this minority, sane sex will not be an attractive option. Most people grow out of this stage, though, just as college age people grow up and outgrow getting drunk. When they’re ready for it, the sane sex model will still be there as an effective choice for them.