Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part One

Unfortunately, the prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they will be expected to have sex early in a relationship, even on the first date. This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women and feels unnatural for many people, as it should. This is not because superficial sex is morally wrong, but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment.

Having sex is means making ourselves very vulnerable. When we do this with someone we’ve just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening. Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well. Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.” Sadly, many people don’t stop to consider such things. I found about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third. (I’m sure if I frequented happy hours at singles bars, the percentage would have been higher and there would have been some who would have pushed it up to the first and second dates.)

It’s true that when sex did not happen on the third date, I didn’t hear from them again. While this bothered me at first, I learned to see it for what it was. I remembered Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” I came to realize that often the men dropped out of the game because they didn’t think they’d be successful ultimately. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth their effort, but rather that they weren’t up to feeling like a failure. I discovered that reducing supply really does raise the perceived value, and some of them did not feel that I would see them as valuable enough ultimately!

So how did I cope with having fewer dates than I wanted? We’ll look at that next time.