What Do You Find Irresistible?

Have you ever met someone you just couldn’t resist?  If you polled people, you’d find that there is a wide variety qualities or characteristics they find so attractive they lose their resolve, discretion, and typical good judgment.

For instance, some are drawn to people in the entertainment world or public eye.  Individuals in powerful positions or uniform may attract us.  (Did you know “I love a man in uniform” is a song, a book, a film and a video on youtube?)  Perhaps you’ve met someone who reminded you of someone you admire, once knew, or miss.  Whatever the circumstance, a weakness makes it difficult for us to resist the individual.  When faced with such a temptation, we may find ourselves abandoning our commitment to having only sane sex.

We might be inclined to say that when confronted with a weakness, we lose control. In actuality, we are responsible adults, so it’s more accurate to say that we allow ourselves to give up our resolve and act against our better judgment.  But, because you are an adult, it’s a choice you get to make.  I’d just like to see you be aware of your weaknesses so when the moment of choice comes, you make a decision you can live with later.

Does Sane Sex Work at Any Age?

I’ve been asked if the sane sex applies to single people of any age.  It does, although I get uncomfortable when people suggest having high schoolers read my book. While the book’s message is one I would love teenagers to embrace, I consider sex to be an adult behavior and inappropriate for anyone under age 18.  Even if a 16-year old is in an exclusive, loving relationship, I don’t want to promote their having sex, when they are not of a legal age to deal with the potential consequences.

With that exception, yes, sane sex is relevant for all adults.  It’s a common sense approach to handling physical intimacy when dating that nurtures both parties emotionally and physically. Postponing physical intimacy until we’re emotionally intimate means we’ll be sharing ourselves with someone we’re really close to and care about. Why wouldn’t that apply to people of all ages?

Having sex is a big deal, not a recreational activity to pass the time.  This could well be new information for someone under the age of 30, given the images shown on MTV, the plots of popular television shows, and the antics displayed in movies where sex during the first encounter is common.  However, sane sex resonates with most baby boomers and people over 40 in general, as we were raised with an appreciation for the intimacy of sex and at least the privacy, if not the sanctity, of our bodies.

Whether it’s a new perspective or a familiar message, sane sex makes sense for dating singles of all ages.  Commit to having sane sex and choose the best for yourself today and every day.

Is the Wait Long? – Part Two

How long does it take to establish the emotional intimacy needed for sane sex?  As I stated last time, it does not have to be long.  When Roger and I met, we’d both done our inner work.  We spent time together that allowed us to talk and really get to know each other.  Neither of us was into game playing, and we both wanted a long term, committed relationship.  He still says that he knew from the day we met that we were meant to be together.  It took me a little bit longer, about a month.  Keep in mind that I’d been dating for a year and a half and had done lots of reflecting, praying, exploring, dating, learning, and finally letting go in that time.

Once you know yourself and what you’re looking for in a relationship, it becomes a matter of finding an appropriate partner to be close to, someone who has the same level of self-awareness that you’ve developed.  Here’s where you’ll need to be aware and listen carefully.  There are signs when someone is emotionally unavailable or unhealthy.  Hopefully your self-exploration revealed any weaknesses or blind spots you’ve fallen prey to in the past, so you can avoid them now.  If your dating experience is similar to mine, you’ll start down the road many times until you find the right one.  We simply cannot force emotional intimacy to happen.

If it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a loving relationship, the inclination to rush this process can be intense.  I urge you to keep the end in mind, as Steven Covey recommends.  It will be worth the time you invest!

Is the Wait Long?

I admit that the phrase, “worth waiting for,” can suggest having to settle in for the long haul.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  To practice sane sex means to delay having sex with someone you’re attracted to until you’re emotionally intimate with them.  So the question becomes, how long does it take for two people to become emotionally intimate? 

Like so many situations, the answer is “it depends.”  The most significant variable is how well each person knows himself or herself.  Emotional intimacy requires sharing at a deep level.  We can only give what we have, so we must have a deep knowledge of ourselves to share authentically with another person.  This kind of self knowledge is not as common or easy to achieve as you might think.  For example, I’ve been amazed at how many people really can’t tell me their strengths, not because they don’t want to appear boastful, but because they actually don’t know them.  In some cases, there are aspects of themselves they don’t want to acknowledge.  Ever heard someone declare, “I’m not angry!” or “Your kidding doesn’t bother me,” when their actions suggest the opposite?

Until you do the deep inner work of knowing yourself, you won’t be able to accurately present yourself to a potential partner.  Since achieving emotional intimacy is a process, neglecting this first step prevents real closeness from developing.  Others may think they’re getting to know you, but under these circumstances the person you’re presenting isn’t your authentic self, so how can they?  Once you truly know yourself, you’ll be ready to find the right person to share yourself with.  We’ll explore that next week.

Who Deserves You?

One of my clients recently shared with me advice he had received regarding employment. He was told to work for an organization that deserved him, rather than one who needed him.  That’s a new way of looking at things that could be applied to almost any area of life.  How would it work for you if you only stayed in relationships with people who deserved you?

While many people think about being needed in the workplace, the tendency in personal relationships is to seek being desired.  The idea of dating someone who needs us is uncomfortable - who wants to be with a needy person?  But being seen as desirable?  This is pretty appealing to most folks.  However, to shift our perspective to that of being deserved by the other person is bold.  It suggests a high value for both parties.  To deserve is “to have earned or be worthy of something.”    We are a treasure, and the other person has demonstrated worthiness of our great value.

To accomplish being in a relationship with someone who deserves us, we first truly have to know our value and what we bring to a relationship.  Then we need to be discerning enough to determine if the other person deserves what we are.  Neither of these steps is quick or easy, but the outcome surely seems worth the effort.

Handling First Dates - Part Two

So you’re comfortable with where you’re going on your first date.  Now what?

·       Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.

·       Tell a friend where and when you’re going.

·       Avoid going straight from work.  Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, ready for fun frame of mind.

·       If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.

·       Try to relax (breathe!) and be yourself.  Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.  Focus on getting to know the other person, rather than on the impression you’re making.

·       Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date.  Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss.  Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought.  It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it.  (I reserve this approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when the last time I’d had sex was!)

The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on the first date.  My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not.  I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be.  First dates are the same way.  Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.

Handling First Dates - Part One

As I discussed last week, singles events can take us out of our comfort zones.  If you’ve been successful at working the room and meeting new people, you ideally will be faced with the next major challenge: the dreaded first date. 

Many people find first dates nerve-wracking.  For me, as a former human resources professional, I was pretty comfortable most of the time because I found them similar to a job interview.  Each party is dressed well (usually) and on his or her best behavior, carefully monitoring what was said and what impressions were being made.  Often, they ask each other questions, very much like an interview, except the questions could be more personal.  Where are you from?  How long were you married?  How often do you see your children?  Each side is gathering information, trying to decide if he or she wants to continue the process.

If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list).  First, carefully consider where you go.  A coffee date is usually short.  It happens in a public place and allows you (alright, forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time.  A movie date is longer and prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer.  It takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public, so all-in-all I don’t recommend going to a movie as a first date. 

Having a drink where live music is playing is a good compromise, provided you can talk and hear yourselves over the music.  Be very aware of how much you drink.  Stay in control of yourself, and make sure you can safely drive home.  If you read my wellness articles, you probably know that health experts advise a limit of one drink for women and two for men.

Want more?  Join me next week for part two…

You Can Do It!

"You must do the things you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

 Many people who become single over forty stop dating or, worse yet, don’t even start, out of fear or discomfort. They have an unpleasant dating experience and they give up, deciding it’s easier not to try at all.  Easier? Perhaps, but not more enjoyable.  Yes, they can avoid the awkwardness of not knowing what to say or the discomfort of being alone in a crowd of people by staying at home, but that gets lonely after a while.

Eleanor Roosevelt grew up in wealth, but she was awkward, unattractive, and painfully shy.  She learned the benefits to be gained when we do the things we think we cannot do.  Singles would do well to follow her advice.  I used to go to singles dances two or three times a month. Most of the time, I got asked to dance and I had a good time.  But occasionally I went unnoticed.  I recall standing there ill at ease, feeling as if everyone was staring at me.  I realize now how silly that notion was.  I wasn’t being stared at - no one was looking at me!  If someone had noticed me, I would have approached them and begun a conversation. 

At some point in the process, we have to put ourselves out there and be willing to take some risks.  It gets easier if we keep our thoughts under control and keep the big picture in mind.  Although I got discouraged at times, I eventually got back in the game.  With experience, it got more comfortable to meet new people, and finally I met Roger.  Don’t sell yourself short; you can do it!

Looking For External Validation

Last week I wrote about the danger of needing to outshine your partner to feel good about yourself.  To illustrate my point, I’d like to tell you about one man in particular who really stood out. 

Our entire first date was more like an interview, where he assessed my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not).  He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him.  He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through.  He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time.  Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive.  He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. 

He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him.  By the end of our date, he was demoralized.  When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine.  Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone!  It’s not too surprising, given his perspective.  Odds are, there was nothing wrong with the majority of these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date?  I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.

What Makes You Feel Good About Yourself?

It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves.  I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office.  What a high it was being around him!

Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good?  In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job.  He was exceptional, though.  I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated.  Sometimes it would be subtle.   We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that my title was Director or that I owned my own business.  One man wanted to know what sports I played and how athletic I was.  I noticed that some men were intimidated learn that I drove a five-speed!  In extreme cases, it seemed that my date felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove.  If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, it was a deal-breaker.

It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others.  These men were looking for someone who didn’t outshine them.  It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way.  Their partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract them in the first place.  Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make them feel good.  But if her light is too bright, it could outshine them.  This is just an illusion though.  Their lights are their lights. They only appear brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s.   This means that their self esteem not based in reality, and it varies based on who they’re with.  Learn to feel good about who you are because of who you are, not who you’re with.

Do You Want a Relationship?

People often ask me why I wrote my book.  One of the primary reasons was that when I was dating, I found singles to be very discouraged.  Generally, the men wanted to have more fun and the women were frustrated and looking to find someone to date seriously. 

To keep in touch with singles, twice a year I attend a singles fair in town.  I typically present my book and love the opportunity to interact with singles.  At this year’s fall fair, I was surprised by how many discouraged men I met.  Several men expressed that the women they’ve been meeting aren’t interested in dating.  They tell the men that they’ve been hurt too often and only go to singles dance to dance.  I do remember hearing this occasionally from other women when I was single.  I was determined not become one of those who gave up!  At the fair, I encouraged the men to keep looking and to try meeting women at places they haven’t considered yet, as I’ve written about before.  I also explained to the guys that women over 50 often are not interested in taking on a project.  They’ve raised their children and cared for their aging parents. While they don’t relish being alone, they prefer that over becoming caregiver for a new husband.

Ladies, the good news for you is that there are men out there looking for a long term relationship. The men I spoke to at the fair didn’t cringe at the sight of my book.  Rather than give up on dating, be clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship and what you have to offer.  I think the book, Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, has tremendous value for both men and women.  It is possible to have a loving relationship at any age.  I know 90-year old women who married her fourth (or fifth, I’ve lost count) husband in her 80s.  Set the intention, and stay in the game!

Never Mind What They Think of You; What do You Think of Them?

So often singles worry about the impression they’re making.  They are overly concerned with their appearance or their ability to say just the right thing.  Many feel compelled to allow the relationship to progress quicker than they’d like out of fear that the other person will not think highly enough of them to stay in the game.  Never mind what he (or she) thinks of you!  The real issue is this: what do you think of him?

I’ve often said that you are a treasure and you want to be sure your partner knows this before taking things too far.  What I haven’t emphasized enough is that you’d better feel strongly about him or her too.  It sounds as if this should be obvious, but I don’t think it always is.  It’s just like job interviewing.  I advise my clients and students to interview the company just as the hiring manager interviews them.  The fit has to work both ways.

I invite you to make this subtle shift.  In your dating relationships, focus more on getting to know the other person well enough to develop an informed opinion of their character, personality, values and so forth.  Take the emphasis off of trying to impress or engage them.  You are the decision maker.  As you get to know the person better and find more things to like, then and only then start to become closer physically.

You Are a Treasure

You may be aware that Nurture You has been conducting a fund raiser for Gina’s Team, a 501(c)3 corporation whose mission is to address inmates’ needs by contributing to inmate education, programming, and re-entry, thus creating better citizens, smoother re-entry and more peaceful communities both inside and out.  I’ve invited people to purchase my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles, to donate to a woman who is incarcerated or has just been released.  Why would be a book about dating be appropriate to incarcerated women?

If you’ve read the book or been reading my blog for a while, you know that sane sex is all about knowing your worth.  Most people in prison have little sense that their true value is beyond measure.  They and you are treasure!  You’re worthy of the time it takes for you and a potential partner to know each other well - to be emotionally intimate - before becoming physically intimate.  You are a person of great beauty, both inside and out.  For some reason it’s become fashionable to put our bodies down.  I regularly hear women lamenting about their hips, legs, stomachs, hair, and, of course, their behinds.  This self-deprecation is ungrateful (just whose image and likeness are you fashioned after?), unhealthy, boring, and certainly not admirable. 

If you want others to appreciate you more, start by appreciating yourself.  And if you’d like to help spread this message to the women at Perryville Prison, go here to donate a book to Gina’s Team. 

Why Do Bad Dates Come In Strings?

                Our Ziplining Adventure in Colorado

Several weeks ago I mentioned that in my experience bad dates tend to come in strings.  I noticed this myself and I’ve heard others lament about the string of “losers” they’ve attracted lately.  I hate to think of anyone as a loser, since my spiritual beliefs are that we all come from the same Source.  Clearly, though, some people have a greater sense of themselves and their true worth than others and are better able to project confidence, competence, sincerity, and integrity -- and therefore make dating more enjoyable!

Why do bad dates come in bunches?  Let’s ask the question in another way - Why do you draw in the same unsuitable people?  Typically, it’s because you keep going to the wrong places, looking for the wrong one.  Most of us are familiar with the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result.  This is the time to look at your behavior and change your approach.  I’m all for giving a venue a second chance, but if you’ve been going there for months and have yet to meet someone appropriate, it’s time to move on.  I’m amazed how closed some singles are to new approaches. They resist attending a church function, volunteering, or taking a class.  Often it’s when you stop looking so hard that the right one shows up.

Some people tend to make a snap judgment about someone, based usually on appearance or some other superficial criterion.  It could just be that your mother does know the ideal person for you!  I remember that when I first met Roger I wondered how exciting life with an accountant could be.  Thankfully I stayed in the game long enough to find out that stereotypes don’t hold.  Roger has introduced me to jet skis, boogey boards, tubing, and segways.  Our life is anything but dull!  If dating hasn’t been fun lately, take responsibility for it and shake up your routine.  Then see what happens!

Exclusive by Chance or Choice?

I firmly believe that sane sex happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship.  But not all exclusive relationships are the same.  Some are exclusive by chance rather than by choice or commitment.  The difference between these two is like the alternative to build your house on sand or solid ground.

When we are exclusive by choice, we’ve made a commitment.  We’ve agreed that if given the chance to be with another, we’d decline and remain involved with our chosen partner.  To be exclusive by chance means that no commitment has been made; we’re seeing only our partner because no one better has come along.  There’s no stability in this relationship; things can change in a moment.  Typically the couple hasn’t discussed the issue of exclusivity, and this is where misunderstandings often occur.  One party assumes a commitment has been made while the other is just exclusive by chance.  Sadly, some people knowingly avoid the conversation, hoping that the other person will be exclusive while they themselves retain their freedom.

I know these discussions aren’t easy to have, but have them anyway.  Your emotional well-being and heart are too precious to endanger by making assumptions and avoiding facing facts.  You cannot be committed enough for both of you.  Being exclusive by choice takes a dual commitment.

Stand Your Ground

The prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they should be having sex early in a relationship, even on the first date.  This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women, and it feels unnatural for many people, as it should.  I say this not because superficial sex is morally wrong (although you may feel that way and that’s fine), but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment. 

Having sex means making ourselves very vulnerable.  When we do this with someone we've just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening.  Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well.  Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.”   Sobering thoughts to consider, ladies, don’t you think? 

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into a physically intimate relationship until you’re ready.  If it’s right and meant to be, a delay in the process won’t change that.  Stand your ground and focus on savoring each new discovery about the other person.  Enjoy the ride!

Do Your Inner Work

   Years ago I ran an outplacement center for a manufacturing plant that was closing.  Most of the people employed by the company had never worked anywhere else.  They needed lots of help with resume writing and interviewing, which I expected.  What amazed me, though, was how little these folks knew about themselves.  When I asked them to list their strengths and positive qualities, they were dumbfounded.  I tried asking them how a friend would describe them, but got no better response.

   Having gone through my dating experience, I’ve come to conclude that these individuals were not the exception.  Many people, maybe most, have not done their inner work.  They have no sense of their true worth or what makes them a blessing to the world.  Without a strong sense of self, they’re discouraged and left feeling inadequate as the media confronts them daily with dozens of images of perfection.  No one can live up to the retouched photos and other unrealistic examples of “the norm” which surround us.

   If a meaningful relationship is what you seek, it’s essential not only that you do your inner work, but also that the other person has done theirs.  If they don’t know their worth, their modus operandi may be to have sex right away, before you discover who they really are.  They’re masters at making the good first impression. They’ve got the superficial down pat, but dig deeper, and they’re afraid you’ll find there’s not much there.  I believe there’s a lot there, but if they don’t know it, they can’t show it.

   This scenario is just one of the reasons I named my book “Worth Waiting For.”  Avoid getting physically intimate too quickly.  You and a fulfilling relationship are worth the wait!

Why Didn’t He Call Again?

Last week I reminded readers how important it is to know their worth.  I admit that may be hard to do when he doesn’t call for the second (or third) date.  (I’m using “he” here because most of the time it’s women complaining that the men don’t call, even when they said they would.)  As I said last time, it could be that sex was what he wanted, and since you wanted something more, he moved on.  However, there is another possibility that’s quite likely.

Our first thought is to reason that he didn’t think we were worth the effort.  Even the most confident woman could begin to doubt herself after a few experiences like this - and I’ve seen these occurrences come in strings!  I urge my clients to be careful here, as the reality could very well be the opposite.  Consider author Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”  It may well be that he didn’t call because he didn’t think you’d find him worth it in the end.  It wasn’t that you weren’t worth his effort, but rather that he wasn’t up to risking failure.  Many people would just as soon not play the game than risk losing.

Your reducing supply (by waiting for emotional intimacy to develop before becoming physically intimate) really does raise your perceived value, and some people may not feel worthy of you!

Know Your Worth!

Twice a year, I have the privilege of offering my wellness workshops to a group of women at Perryville State Prison.  It’s a pleasure because they’re always so grateful and interested in what I have to offer, including my sane sex message.  I can tell by their reactions that the idea they are worth the wait is foreign to many of them.  Unfortunately many incarcerated women and men have grown up not knowing how amazing they are.

From what I experienced when I was dating and continue to hear about now, many people outside of prison lack this awareness, too!  They suffer from low self esteem and will compromise themselves to avoid rejection.  I’ve often said that about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third, and when it didn’t happen, they didn’t call me again.  At first I took that personally, wondering what was wrong with me.  Eventually I figured out that it wasn’t about me at all.  I realized I was wrong to think they had rejected me, because after three dates they didn’t know me well enough to reject me. We just wanted different things, and they were not interested in really getting to know me.

I’ve decided that part of my mission is to help people appreciate their own worth because they will find it difficult to practice sane sex otherwise.  We have to treasure ourselves before we can expect anyone else to treasure us.  We need to know our true value to avoid being devastated when our date doesn’t call again because we wanted to become emotionally intimate first.  This awareness doesn’t come easily, but it’s the truth and so worth the effort, so stay with me as I explore this further in the weeks ahead. 

Honor Your Amazing Body

Without any intention on my part, the theme for my week has been about the body.  First I read an article about Dr. Joseph Dispenza’s new book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, in which he writes about the body-mind connection.  He says we need to “teach the body emotionally what we understand intellectually.”  Then I was moved yesterday to go back to Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth, a book I downloaded on my Kindle and began reading months ago. I just happened to be at the section where Roth describes a belly meditation she teaches, emphasizing an awareness that we occupy our bodies, so we can be perceptive of their cues.

Finally, I heard an alarming story earlier in the week about a woman who reconnected with a man she hadn’t seen in years, slept with him after spending just one day together, and turned around and did the very same thing with another man the next day.  She ended up pregnant and does not know which one is the father.  Of course, the pregnancy could be the least of her problems; having had two episodes of unsafe sex, she may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease, even HIV.

What can I say to convince you that your body is God’s greatest tangible gift to you?  How can I help you see that no matter what goals you have set for yourself in this life, you will need to your body to accomplish them?   All major religions I know of teach that life is eternal, but we know that our bodies are not.  Stop comparing yourself to images of perfection from the media and cease focusing on what doesn’t work.  Honor and treasure your amazing body, and only share it with someone who does the same!