Looking For External Validation

Last week I wrote about the danger of needing to outshine your partner to feel good about yourself.  To illustrate my point, I’d like to tell you about one man in particular who really stood out. 

Our entire first date was more like an interview, where he assessed my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not).  He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him.  He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through.  He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time.  Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive.  He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. 

He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him.  By the end of our date, he was demoralized.  When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine.  Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone!  It’s not too surprising, given his perspective.  Odds are, there was nothing wrong with the majority of these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date?  I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.