You Are a Treasure

You may be aware that Nurture You has been conducting a fund raiser for Gina’s Team, a 501(c)3 corporation whose mission is to address inmates’ needs by contributing to inmate education, programming, and re-entry, thus creating better citizens, smoother re-entry and more peaceful communities both inside and out.  I’ve invited people to purchase my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles, to donate to a woman who is incarcerated or has just been released.  Why would be a book about dating be appropriate to incarcerated women?

If you’ve read the book or been reading my blog for a while, you know that sane sex is all about knowing your worth.  Most people in prison have little sense that their true value is beyond measure.  They and you are treasure!  You’re worthy of the time it takes for you and a potential partner to know each other well - to be emotionally intimate - before becoming physically intimate.  You are a person of great beauty, both inside and out.  For some reason it’s become fashionable to put our bodies down.  I regularly hear women lamenting about their hips, legs, stomachs, hair, and, of course, their behinds.  This self-deprecation is ungrateful (just whose image and likeness are you fashioned after?), unhealthy, boring, and certainly not admirable. 

If you want others to appreciate you more, start by appreciating yourself.  And if you’d like to help spread this message to the women at Perryville Prison, go here to donate a book to Gina’s Team. 

Why Do Bad Dates Come In Strings?

                Our Ziplining Adventure in Colorado

Several weeks ago I mentioned that in my experience bad dates tend to come in strings.  I noticed this myself and I’ve heard others lament about the string of “losers” they’ve attracted lately.  I hate to think of anyone as a loser, since my spiritual beliefs are that we all come from the same Source.  Clearly, though, some people have a greater sense of themselves and their true worth than others and are better able to project confidence, competence, sincerity, and integrity -- and therefore make dating more enjoyable!

Why do bad dates come in bunches?  Let’s ask the question in another way - Why do you draw in the same unsuitable people?  Typically, it’s because you keep going to the wrong places, looking for the wrong one.  Most of us are familiar with the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result.  This is the time to look at your behavior and change your approach.  I’m all for giving a venue a second chance, but if you’ve been going there for months and have yet to meet someone appropriate, it’s time to move on.  I’m amazed how closed some singles are to new approaches. They resist attending a church function, volunteering, or taking a class.  Often it’s when you stop looking so hard that the right one shows up.

Some people tend to make a snap judgment about someone, based usually on appearance or some other superficial criterion.  It could just be that your mother does know the ideal person for you!  I remember that when I first met Roger I wondered how exciting life with an accountant could be.  Thankfully I stayed in the game long enough to find out that stereotypes don’t hold.  Roger has introduced me to jet skis, boogey boards, tubing, and segways.  Our life is anything but dull!  If dating hasn’t been fun lately, take responsibility for it and shake up your routine.  Then see what happens!

Exclusive by Chance or Choice?

I firmly believe that sane sex happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship.  But not all exclusive relationships are the same.  Some are exclusive by chance rather than by choice or commitment.  The difference between these two is like the alternative to build your house on sand or solid ground.

When we are exclusive by choice, we’ve made a commitment.  We’ve agreed that if given the chance to be with another, we’d decline and remain involved with our chosen partner.  To be exclusive by chance means that no commitment has been made; we’re seeing only our partner because no one better has come along.  There’s no stability in this relationship; things can change in a moment.  Typically the couple hasn’t discussed the issue of exclusivity, and this is where misunderstandings often occur.  One party assumes a commitment has been made while the other is just exclusive by chance.  Sadly, some people knowingly avoid the conversation, hoping that the other person will be exclusive while they themselves retain their freedom.

I know these discussions aren’t easy to have, but have them anyway.  Your emotional well-being and heart are too precious to endanger by making assumptions and avoiding facing facts.  You cannot be committed enough for both of you.  Being exclusive by choice takes a dual commitment.

Stand Your Ground

The prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they should be having sex early in a relationship, even on the first date.  This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women, and it feels unnatural for many people, as it should.  I say this not because superficial sex is morally wrong (although you may feel that way and that’s fine), but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment. 

Having sex means making ourselves very vulnerable.  When we do this with someone we've just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening.  Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well.  Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.”   Sobering thoughts to consider, ladies, don’t you think? 

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into a physically intimate relationship until you’re ready.  If it’s right and meant to be, a delay in the process won’t change that.  Stand your ground and focus on savoring each new discovery about the other person.  Enjoy the ride!

Do Your Inner Work

   Years ago I ran an outplacement center for a manufacturing plant that was closing.  Most of the people employed by the company had never worked anywhere else.  They needed lots of help with resume writing and interviewing, which I expected.  What amazed me, though, was how little these folks knew about themselves.  When I asked them to list their strengths and positive qualities, they were dumbfounded.  I tried asking them how a friend would describe them, but got no better response.

   Having gone through my dating experience, I’ve come to conclude that these individuals were not the exception.  Many people, maybe most, have not done their inner work.  They have no sense of their true worth or what makes them a blessing to the world.  Without a strong sense of self, they’re discouraged and left feeling inadequate as the media confronts them daily with dozens of images of perfection.  No one can live up to the retouched photos and other unrealistic examples of “the norm” which surround us.

   If a meaningful relationship is what you seek, it’s essential not only that you do your inner work, but also that the other person has done theirs.  If they don’t know their worth, their modus operandi may be to have sex right away, before you discover who they really are.  They’re masters at making the good first impression. They’ve got the superficial down pat, but dig deeper, and they’re afraid you’ll find there’s not much there.  I believe there’s a lot there, but if they don’t know it, they can’t show it.

   This scenario is just one of the reasons I named my book “Worth Waiting For.”  Avoid getting physically intimate too quickly.  You and a fulfilling relationship are worth the wait!