Why Didn’t He Call Again?

Last week I reminded readers how important it is to know their worth.  I admit that may be hard to do when he doesn’t call for the second (or third) date.  (I’m using “he” here because most of the time it’s women complaining that the men don’t call, even when they said they would.)  As I said last time, it could be that sex was what he wanted, and since you wanted something more, he moved on.  However, there is another possibility that’s quite likely.

Our first thought is to reason that he didn’t think we were worth the effort.  Even the most confident woman could begin to doubt herself after a few experiences like this - and I’ve seen these occurrences come in strings!  I urge my clients to be careful here, as the reality could very well be the opposite.  Consider author Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”  It may well be that he didn’t call because he didn’t think you’d find him worth it in the end.  It wasn’t that you weren’t worth his effort, but rather that he wasn’t up to risking failure.  Many people would just as soon not play the game than risk losing.

Your reducing supply (by waiting for emotional intimacy to develop before becoming physically intimate) really does raise your perceived value, and some people may not feel worthy of you!

Know Your Worth!

Twice a year, I have the privilege of offering my wellness workshops to a group of women at Perryville State Prison.  It’s a pleasure because they’re always so grateful and interested in what I have to offer, including my sane sex message.  I can tell by their reactions that the idea they are worth the wait is foreign to many of them.  Unfortunately many incarcerated women and men have grown up not knowing how amazing they are.

From what I experienced when I was dating and continue to hear about now, many people outside of prison lack this awareness, too!  They suffer from low self esteem and will compromise themselves to avoid rejection.  I’ve often said that about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third, and when it didn’t happen, they didn’t call me again.  At first I took that personally, wondering what was wrong with me.  Eventually I figured out that it wasn’t about me at all.  I realized I was wrong to think they had rejected me, because after three dates they didn’t know me well enough to reject me. We just wanted different things, and they were not interested in really getting to know me.

I’ve decided that part of my mission is to help people appreciate their own worth because they will find it difficult to practice sane sex otherwise.  We have to treasure ourselves before we can expect anyone else to treasure us.  We need to know our true value to avoid being devastated when our date doesn’t call again because we wanted to become emotionally intimate first.  This awareness doesn’t come easily, but it’s the truth and so worth the effort, so stay with me as I explore this further in the weeks ahead. 

Honor Your Amazing Body

Without any intention on my part, the theme for my week has been about the body.  First I read an article about Dr. Joseph Dispenza’s new book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, in which he writes about the body-mind connection.  He says we need to “teach the body emotionally what we understand intellectually.”  Then I was moved yesterday to go back to Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth, a book I downloaded on my Kindle and began reading months ago. I just happened to be at the section where Roth describes a belly meditation she teaches, emphasizing an awareness that we occupy our bodies, so we can be perceptive of their cues.

Finally, I heard an alarming story earlier in the week about a woman who reconnected with a man she hadn’t seen in years, slept with him after spending just one day together, and turned around and did the very same thing with another man the next day.  She ended up pregnant and does not know which one is the father.  Of course, the pregnancy could be the least of her problems; having had two episodes of unsafe sex, she may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease, even HIV.

What can I say to convince you that your body is God’s greatest tangible gift to you?  How can I help you see that no matter what goals you have set for yourself in this life, you will need to your body to accomplish them?   All major religions I know of teach that life is eternal, but we know that our bodies are not.  Stop comparing yourself to images of perfection from the media and cease focusing on what doesn’t work.  Honor and treasure your amazing body, and only share it with someone who does the same!

Healthy in Every Way - #1 on My Wish List

Actually, being healthy in every way: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially wasn’t on my wish list when seeking the love of my life; it was on my must-have list.  And it was number one.  Is this anywhere on your list?  If not, I strongly encourage you to reconsider.

As a wellness consultant, I routinely encounter people who are unhealthy, often in more than one of the areas I mentioned.  Having been in long term relationships with men who were not well, I learned how stressful and draining it can be.  In addition, therapists note that mental illness is typically more challenging to a relationship than physical ailments are.  As I began dating and met singles who were unhealthy, I established a policy of not dating my work.  I have male clients and I enjoy working with them.  Dating them was not an option, however.

You don’t have to be a health care provider to adopt a similar stance.  Well people are great fun to be with, so set your intention to date healthy people.  They have fewer limitations and hang-ups than those who are unhealthy, and often have a brighter outlook.  Keep in mind that to attract someone who is well in every sense, you’ll want to be healthy yourself.  Then go hangout where healthy people do.  Start with one area.  For instance, for physical health, join a gym, take a Pilates class, or frequent farmers’ markets or health fairs.  To find spiritually and emotionally well people, check out a variety of churches or non-profits or do volunteer work.  Doing a search on meetup.com is one way to find a group for just about any interest you have.

Now is a great time to revisit your must-have list.  Where does healthy fall for you?