Building Your Confidence

Practicing sane sex is not for the faint-hearted.  It takes courage and confidence to hold your ground and say “not yet” when asked to take things farther than you’d like.  I had an aha moment recently when I was meeting with two new acquaintances about my book.  I was talking about the need to know your own value when dating, and as I said those words, I sat up tall in my chair.  They both immediately responded to my actions, as if to acknowledge my worth.  One of them asked if I’d ever lacked confidence.  Of course I have and still do occasionally, but their reaction to me was a reminder of how powerful our body language and behavior are.

There are concrete steps you can take to build and project confidence.  Five of my favorite ones come from David Schwartz’s book, The Magic of Thinking Big (Simon & Schuster, 1987).  I was referred to this book when in my 20s, and it made a huge difference for me.  Here are Schwartz’s five confidence-building exercises: be a front seater, make eye contact, walk 25% faster, speak up, and smile big (pp. 61-4).  I practiced these techniques many times and often had evidence of their effectiveness.  For instance, I remember one lunch break when I consciously walked 25% faster through the Empire State Plaza in Albany, NY.  Later that evening, I was talking to a friend, and she told me about seeing a woman earlier that day who projected great confidence as she walked.  My friend was wishing she had such confidence and when she looked at the woman again, she realized it was me!

If you’d like to be more confident in your relationships and dating, select just one of Schwartz’s action steps.  Apply it consistently in any area of your life.  See for yourself how good confidence feels!