Today’s Dating Model

I describe the way most television and film characters, and many single people today, experience dating and sex as Today’s Dating Model. The model is quite simple, containing only three elements. It begins with attraction which is almost immediately combined with physical intimacy or sex, often in the hopes that emotional intimacy will result. In the movies and on TV, this is often the case, usually after some humorous angst on both parties’ parts. In real life, this is rarely the case, and I realize that not everyone has sex in the hope of achieving emotional intimacy. Let’s look at the model in more detail.

Step One—Attraction
The attraction part is easy and is always the first step. It’s not hard to find someone to whom you are attracted; we meet potential mates at bars and clubs and through friends, singles groups, online dating, chat rooms, and social media websites. We also meet at work, as men and women together occupy virtually every profession today. Rather than beginning a relationship with a series of dates, as our parents probably did, many singles today, influenced by television and movies, take an accelerated, often impersonal, approach.

Step Two—Physical Intimacy
In this model, people move very rapidly, sometimes within hours of meeting, to physical intimacy. As we’ll discuss in the months ahead, many reasons influence this decision. For now, let’s just acknowledge that today, for many, having sex is just one step away from having lunch or kissing.

Step Three—Emotional Intimacy
While reaching this step is the desired outcome for many, emotional intimacy rarely occurs when approached this way, except in the movies, of course. On the big screen, the leading actors almost always find emotional intimacy, no matter how difficult the journey. In reality, it just doesn’t work that way. Consider this case, described by Rabbi Shumley Boteach in Kosher Sex: “One woman whom I knew as a student told us that she has now been to bed with over twenty guys … all in a fruitless effort to find love with any one of them, and it just never seems to happen … She has yet to transform a casual sexual encounter into an intense and fulfilling relationship.”

It’s true that, just as it’s easy to find someone to be attracted to, it’s also easy to find someone willing to have sex, especially when no commitment is involved. But what are the odds that a near stranger, someone we just met, is someone with whom we can comfortably share our deepest desires and emotions? They’re not high; in fact, I would say, as a weight-loss expert, that the odds of the average person losing the kind of weight advertised by most weight-loss programs (you know the ones, where the ad reads “results not typical”) are greater than the odds that emotional intimacy will result from today’s dating model!

Yet people work this model over and over, trying to get it right. Most people eventually, if not initially, truly desire emotional intimacy. For the majority, casual sex is really a misguided attempt to find that fulfillment. It’s no surprise studies show that, over the last twenty years, more people are feeling isolated and disconnected. Continue to join me as we explore a more sane, effective approach to finding both emotional intimacy and fulfilling sex.