Did you see the Arizona Republic article earlier in the month reporting that men taking Viagra and Cialis had almost triple of rate of STDs compared to those not taking the medications? The results came from a study of health insurance claims for men age 40 and older and suggest that men taking drugs to treat erectile dysfunction may be more likely to engage in unsafe sex than non-users. Not surprisingly then, in 2007 people age 40 to 49 accounted for the largest proportion of newly diagnosed cases of HIV/AIDS, 27 percent, according the U. S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those 50 to 59 accounted for 13 percent.
It is my goal that sane sex becomes the norm, and sex cannot be sane if it is not safe. Ladies, I urge you to insist on condom use every time. Remember that we cannot expect people to treat us better than we treat ourselves. Please do not fall prey to the notion that using a condom means you don’t trust your partner. On the contrary, using protection is an indication of love. Keep in mind that many STDs have no symptoms for long time spans, so many infected people do not know they have an STD until those symptoms appear. The truth is that using a condom is way of showing love and caring for yourself and your partner.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Safe Sex Message Still Not Received
When I was researching and writing my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles, in 2007, I was amazed to learn that unsafe still happens in every age group – a lot. How is this possible? While the safe sex message is not as prominent as it was fifteen years ago, it is still being promoted. The target age group, however, is young—under age thirty. Yet, although the message is aimed at this audience more consistently than it is at those over forty, an alarming number of young adults still have unsafe sex. Of the twenty-five to forty-four-year-olds surveyed, 39 percent did not use a condom the last time they had sex and likewise for 20 percent of the eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds. Sadly almost half of the new STD infections are among adolescent girls (www.alternet.org/sex/62429)!
How about those over 45? Is it possible they have not heard of safe sex? I think it’s unlikely, but consider a study conducted by the New York Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in May 2008. Of single people with at least two sexual partners, some 44 percent of those over age forty-five reported not using condoms the last time they had sex. A University of Chicago survey of single women ages fifty-eight to ninety-three revealed that nearly 60 percent said they hadn’t used a condom the last time they had sex. It’s not surprising then that, in less than a decade, STD rates have more than doubled among people ages forty-five and older. From 1996 to 2003, the total cases of chlamydia, genital herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital warts among people over forty-five increased by 127 percent (http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/070805/13senior.htm).
But these STDs aren’t the only concern for this age group. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the majority of HIV carriers by 2015 will be over age fifty, and about 15 percent of new infections occur in this age group. It’s alarming to consider that an Ohio University study found that about 27 percent of HIV-infected men and 35 percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms (http://www.physorg.com/news96724718.html).
Although HIV/AIDS is not the automatic death sentence it once was, it not curable. Safe sex is not an option. It is a requirement every time for anyone who cherishes their health and well being.
How about those over 45? Is it possible they have not heard of safe sex? I think it’s unlikely, but consider a study conducted by the New York Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in May 2008. Of single people with at least two sexual partners, some 44 percent of those over age forty-five reported not using condoms the last time they had sex. A University of Chicago survey of single women ages fifty-eight to ninety-three revealed that nearly 60 percent said they hadn’t used a condom the last time they had sex. It’s not surprising then that, in less than a decade, STD rates have more than doubled among people ages forty-five and older. From 1996 to 2003, the total cases of chlamydia, genital herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital warts among people over forty-five increased by 127 percent (http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/070805/13senior.htm).
But these STDs aren’t the only concern for this age group. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the majority of HIV carriers by 2015 will be over age fifty, and about 15 percent of new infections occur in this age group. It’s alarming to consider that an Ohio University study found that about 27 percent of HIV-infected men and 35 percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms (http://www.physorg.com/news96724718.html).
Although HIV/AIDS is not the automatic death sentence it once was, it not curable. Safe sex is not an option. It is a requirement every time for anyone who cherishes their health and well being.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Lessons Learned from My First Date in 20 Years
Jim, my first date in 20 years, had what management consultants call an “external locus of control,” which simply means he held outside forces responsible for what happened to him, rather than take responsibility for his life. It’s their version of the James Redfield’s “poor me” control drama.
During our two meetings, I heard Jim three times blame other people or circumstances for situations in his life. When his leg prevented him from standing to teach math, he gave up teaching. I told him of a math instructor I knew who use PowerPoint slides to teach and always sat during class. He said he didn’t want to do that, yet lamented because he had to give up teaching, which he loved. Later he told me about the time he came upon a friendly softball game and was disappointed because he wasn’t asked to play. He said they assumed that just because he couldn’t run, he wouldn’t be able to hit and have someone else run the bases for him. I asked him if he’d explained to the guys that he’d like to do that, and of course he hadn’t. He waited to be asked and then fell into self-pity when they didn’t. Finally, Jim complained to me that he wanted to play canasta, a card game my grandmother had taught me but isn’t well known, but couldn’t find anyone. I suggested he use the Internet to search for people, and the notion seemed quite foreign to him. Jim expected the world to come to him and then blamed it when it didn’t. He just could seem to figure out how to make things work for him.
By the end of our date, I had a terrific headache. Despite my headache and that I hadn’t asked him in, he lingered on my front porch. I had to practically close the door on him to get to leave. He also had no idea of my reaction to him apparently, because he called me the next day asking for a second date. By now I had figured it out. I was true to myself and straight with him. I told him directly that I did not care to see him again, because we had completely different approaches to life. When he emailed me later asking for an explanation for this, I obliged and gave him the three examples I just gave you. As a single mother and a business owner, I had to take responsibility for my life. His attitude was not one I could live with.
So what were my take-aways from this experience? I learned to be more discerning and not to overlook what I might not want to see. I learned that just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily make a good date. I also got clear on what mattered: it was not his physical disability that was the problem, but rather his disabled attitude. Finally, I learned to let this experience go and move on. It was all part of my learning process. I congratulated myself for taking the chance and beginning the dating process again. I had nowhere to go but upward.
During our two meetings, I heard Jim three times blame other people or circumstances for situations in his life. When his leg prevented him from standing to teach math, he gave up teaching. I told him of a math instructor I knew who use PowerPoint slides to teach and always sat during class. He said he didn’t want to do that, yet lamented because he had to give up teaching, which he loved. Later he told me about the time he came upon a friendly softball game and was disappointed because he wasn’t asked to play. He said they assumed that just because he couldn’t run, he wouldn’t be able to hit and have someone else run the bases for him. I asked him if he’d explained to the guys that he’d like to do that, and of course he hadn’t. He waited to be asked and then fell into self-pity when they didn’t. Finally, Jim complained to me that he wanted to play canasta, a card game my grandmother had taught me but isn’t well known, but couldn’t find anyone. I suggested he use the Internet to search for people, and the notion seemed quite foreign to him. Jim expected the world to come to him and then blamed it when it didn’t. He just could seem to figure out how to make things work for him.
By the end of our date, I had a terrific headache. Despite my headache and that I hadn’t asked him in, he lingered on my front porch. I had to practically close the door on him to get to leave. He also had no idea of my reaction to him apparently, because he called me the next day asking for a second date. By now I had figured it out. I was true to myself and straight with him. I told him directly that I did not care to see him again, because we had completely different approaches to life. When he emailed me later asking for an explanation for this, I obliged and gave him the three examples I just gave you. As a single mother and a business owner, I had to take responsibility for my life. His attitude was not one I could live with.
So what were my take-aways from this experience? I learned to be more discerning and not to overlook what I might not want to see. I learned that just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily make a good date. I also got clear on what mattered: it was not his physical disability that was the problem, but rather his disabled attitude. Finally, I learned to let this experience go and move on. It was all part of my learning process. I congratulated myself for taking the chance and beginning the dating process again. I had nowhere to go but upward.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
More About My First Date in 20 Years
As I said last time, my first date in 20 years was not followed by a second date – at least not with Jim. He was a nice guy and certainly was safe to be with, but he was not someone I was interested in getting to know better. There were several signs that I picked up, some sooner than others.
You may have been told that when you’re dating you do not want to appear desperate. Having experienced this first hand, I whole-heartedly agree. Jim’s behavior was too eager, too “I can’t believe she’s going out with me” for me to feel good about being with him. That kind of over-enthusiasm wasn’t flattering to me; it suggested that there must be something wrong with him if it was so amazing that I would be with him. This over-eagerness led to Jim’s confusion over my address and the spill on his shirt, no doubt, among other faux pas too numerous to detail here. When you combine this with his walking disability, his diabetes so serious it required multiple insulin injections per day, and his child-like food preferences, we’ve now transitioned from him as a potential partner to a project.
I hesitated to tell you about his disabilities, because I don’t want you to think they were the issue, nor did I want to sound defensive in assuring you they were not the issue. I have dated men with physical disabilities and mental disorders before. What I have learned is that it is not the condition the person has, but how he approaches it that makes the difference. Jim’s conditions were long term; his limp was ten years old and his diabetes was a lifelong illness. But unlike many who learn to rise above such circumstances and go on to succeed and possibly inspire others, Jim used his to seek sympathy. If you’ve read the Celestine Prophesy, Jim was a classic “poor me.” I should have caught this in our first conversation and avoided this painful experience, but I didn’t. I’ll summarize my lessons from this date next time.
You may have been told that when you’re dating you do not want to appear desperate. Having experienced this first hand, I whole-heartedly agree. Jim’s behavior was too eager, too “I can’t believe she’s going out with me” for me to feel good about being with him. That kind of over-enthusiasm wasn’t flattering to me; it suggested that there must be something wrong with him if it was so amazing that I would be with him. This over-eagerness led to Jim’s confusion over my address and the spill on his shirt, no doubt, among other faux pas too numerous to detail here. When you combine this with his walking disability, his diabetes so serious it required multiple insulin injections per day, and his child-like food preferences, we’ve now transitioned from him as a potential partner to a project.
I hesitated to tell you about his disabilities, because I don’t want you to think they were the issue, nor did I want to sound defensive in assuring you they were not the issue. I have dated men with physical disabilities and mental disorders before. What I have learned is that it is not the condition the person has, but how he approaches it that makes the difference. Jim’s conditions were long term; his limp was ten years old and his diabetes was a lifelong illness. But unlike many who learn to rise above such circumstances and go on to succeed and possibly inspire others, Jim used his to seek sympathy. If you’ve read the Celestine Prophesy, Jim was a classic “poor me.” I should have caught this in our first conversation and avoided this painful experience, but I didn’t. I’ll summarize my lessons from this date next time.
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