How Long Do I Have to Wait – Part Two

How long does it take to establish the emotional intimacy needed for sane sex? Once you know and are comfortable with yourself, it becomes a matter of finding an appropriate partner to be close to. This person needs to have the same self-knowledge that you’ve acquired, so the person that you get to know is the real thing.

Here’s where you really want to be aware and listen carefully. There are signs when someone is emotionally unavailable or unhealthy. Hopefully your self-exploration revealed any weakness or blind spots you’ve fallen prey to in the past, so you can avoid them now. This is important, because creating emotional intimacy requires trusting the other person and most, if not all of us, have had our trust broken at some time. While this trust building, getting to know you better process takes time, how much depends on who you meet and how much time you spend together. If you’re like me, you'll start down the road many times until you find the right one. We simply cannot force emotional intimacy to happen.

As I stated last time, it does not have to be a long wait. When Roger and I met, we’d both done our inner work. We spent time together that allowed us to talk and really get to know each other. Neither of us was into game playing, and we both wanted a long term, committed relationship. He still says that he knew from the day we met that we were meant to be together. It took me a little bit longer, about a month. Keep in mind that I’d been dating for a year and a half and had done lots of reflecting, praying, exploring, dating, learning, and finally letting go in that time.

If it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a loving relationship, the inclination to rush this process can be intense. I urge you to keep the end in mind, as Steven Covey recommends. It will be worth the time you invest!

How Long Do I Have to Wait?

This is a common question people ask me at book signings and other places where they see my book without having read it. I admit that the phrase, “worth waiting for,” can suggest having to settle in for the long haul. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

To practice sane sex means to delay having sex with someone you’re attracted to until you’re emotionally intimate with them. So the question becomes, how long does it take for two people to become emotionally intimate? As usual, the answer is that it depends – on several things. Let’s look today at what is first and most important – how well each person knows himself or herself. Emotional intimacy requires sharing at a deep level. We can only give what we have, so we must have a deep knowledge of ourselves to share authentically with another person.

This kind of self knowledge is not as common or easy to achieve as you might think. For example, I’ve been amazed at how many people really can’t tell me their strengths, not because they don’t want to appear boastful, but because they actually don’t know them. Another frequent phenomenon is for people to be unwilling to face what’s commonly referred to today as their dark side. I’ll bet you can easily think of at least one person who acts out in some way without an awareness of where that aberrant behavior is coming from. People will declare, “I’m not angry!” or “Your kidding doesn’t bother me,” when their actions suggest the opposite.

Until you do the deep inner work of knowing yourself, you won’t be able to accurately present yourself to a potential partner. Since achieving emotional intimacy is a process, neglecting this first step prevents real closeness from developing. Others may think they’re getting to know you, but under these circumstances the person you’re presenting isn’t your authentic self, so how can they?

Once you’ve done your inner work, you’ll be ready to find the right person to share yourself with. We’ll explore that next time.

Is Sane Sex for All Ages?

I was asked recently if the sane sex message applies to people of all ages. It does, although people may receive it differently, depending on their age. First of all, sane sex is a common sense approach to handling physical intimacy when dating. It nurtures both parties emotionally and physically and is much more likely to lead to a wonderful sexual experience than superficial or casual sex is. Putting emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy means we’ll be sharing ourselves with someone we’re really close to and care about. Why wouldn’t that apply to people of all ages?

The bottom line, as you’ve heard me say before, is that having sex is a big deal. Now this may be new information for someone under the age of 30. It wouldn’t surprise me if this never occurred to a college student or twenty-something, given the images shown on MTV, the plots of popular television shows, and the antics portrayed in movies where sex during the first encounter is common. This message will resonate with most baby boomers and people over 40 in general, however. We were raised with an appreciation for the intimacy of sex and at least the privacy, if not the sanctity, of our bodies. So the safe sex message is a reminder to these more mature singles.

New information or a familiar message, either way sane sex makes sense for dating singles of all ages. Commit to being and having the best today and every day.

Hidden Dimensions Illustrates Sane Sex Beautifully

I recently read Debra Drecksel’s new novel, Hidden Dimensions. It’s a story about a woman’s journey to discover her true self and purpose in life and along the way, finds not only those things, but love as well. What I really appreciate about Debra’s book is that it gives a perfect demonstration of superficial sex, why it doesn’t work, and why sane sex is a much more satisfying, rewarding choice.

At one point in the story, Monica, the main character, searches for love and connection by having a string of one night stands. Rather than feeling close to anyone, she instead begins to lose sight of herself. She’s doing what many people do in real life: following today’s dating model over and over, expecting to find emotional intimacy at some point. This behavior fits the classic definition of insanity, doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome. Being an intelligent woman, she soon concludes that this approach will not bring her the meaningful relationship she longs for. Monica learns that putting emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy, as presented in the sane sex model, nurtures her body and soul and ultimately leads to love.

I didn’t know the author before she wrote this novel, and I know she had no idea what the term “sane sex” meant as she was writing. Nonetheless, I couldn’t have written a clearer illustration of how and why sane sex works than Debra’s work provides. Thanks Debra!