How Long Do I Have to Wait?

This is a common question people ask me at book signings and other places where they see my book without having read it. I admit that the phrase, “worth waiting for,” can suggest having to settle in for the long haul. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

To practice sane sex means to delay having sex with someone you’re attracted to until you’re emotionally intimate with them. So the question becomes, how long does it take for two people to become emotionally intimate? As usual, the answer is that it depends – on several things. Let’s look today at what is first and most important – how well each person knows himself or herself. Emotional intimacy requires sharing at a deep level. We can only give what we have, so we must have a deep knowledge of ourselves to share authentically with another person.

This kind of self knowledge is not as common or easy to achieve as you might think. For example, I’ve been amazed at how many people really can’t tell me their strengths, not because they don’t want to appear boastful, but because they actually don’t know them. Another frequent phenomenon is for people to be unwilling to face what’s commonly referred to today as their dark side. I’ll bet you can easily think of at least one person who acts out in some way without an awareness of where that aberrant behavior is coming from. People will declare, “I’m not angry!” or “Your kidding doesn’t bother me,” when their actions suggest the opposite.

Until you do the deep inner work of knowing yourself, you won’t be able to accurately present yourself to a potential partner. Since achieving emotional intimacy is a process, neglecting this first step prevents real closeness from developing. Others may think they’re getting to know you, but under these circumstances the person you’re presenting isn’t your authentic self, so how can they?

Once you’ve done your inner work, you’ll be ready to find the right person to share yourself with. We’ll explore that next time.