I recently heard a new twist on the expression “think outside the box.” It was - throw away the box! This advice might be well worth heeding for some singles, those who keep doing the same things in their attempts to meet someone new.
Single people often lament that the good ones are taken or that they just can’t seem to meet someone who interests them. When I ask about this, it seems they’re doing the same one or two things over and over, hoping to get a new result. They go to the same bar or club or use the same Internet dating site. While it’s true that someone new could stop by on any given night or join a website for the first time, there are also many other things to try in addition to what they’re already doing. Here are some ways to meet singles that I’ve been told have worked for other people:
• Frequent the produce aisle (to meet women) or the hardware store (to find men) and ask questions.
• Take a class in a subject your potential partner might like.
• Join an outdoor or other special interest club.
• Volunteer for a group or organization that has lots of other volunteers or guests you could interact with.
• Be active with a church or spiritual community.
• Try a different dating website or meet-up group.
• Research singles groups, dances, and events on Google.
• Attend fund-raisers, charity events, or other social outings. Volunteer to work the event if the ticket price is outside your budget.
• Go out with your friends and let them know you’d like to meet someone.
• Try something you said you never would, such as speed dating.
The most important thing is not to give up! A good friend of mine used to tell me that it was all a numbers game. I believed her and kept at it. Roger and I will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary this June.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
There’s No Need to Outshine Anyone
Do you know someone who makes you feel good about yourself? I recall a coworker who made me feel like a million bucks! Just what is it about the other person that makes you feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many singles tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that my title was director or that I owned my own business. Some would want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed would throw a new acquaintance off course! In extreme cases, some men seemed to feel that they had to better than I was at everything that mattered to them – and the list was long: any sports-related skill, work, income, location of home, driving ability, and possessions. If they felt I excelled in any of these areas over them, the relationship was over.
These men were looking for someone who didn’t outshine them. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. Their partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract them, because they wouldn’t feel good being with a “dull light.” But if her light was too bright, it could outshine theirs. This is just an illusion though. Their lights are their lights. They only appear brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that their self esteem is not based in reality and varies based on who they’re with.
Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.
I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that my title was director or that I owned my own business. Some would want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed would throw a new acquaintance off course! In extreme cases, some men seemed to feel that they had to better than I was at everything that mattered to them – and the list was long: any sports-related skill, work, income, location of home, driving ability, and possessions. If they felt I excelled in any of these areas over them, the relationship was over.
These men were looking for someone who didn’t outshine them. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. Their partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract them, because they wouldn’t feel good being with a “dull light.” But if her light was too bright, it could outshine theirs. This is just an illusion though. Their lights are their lights. They only appear brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that their self esteem is not based in reality and varies based on who they’re with.
Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Are You In a Relationship Trap?
Have you ever been in a relationship trap? Perhaps you’re in one now. You know the situation: you’re in a relationship someone that you know deep down is not right for you. For some reason, though, you stay with it, despite the warning signs. Some of the warning signs you see might be his working excessive overtime or spending too much time at the office, her being vague about where she’s been or will be, his or her dependence on alcohol or drugs, his asking you for money, her lack of boundaries with her family, his siding the with guys over you, her blaming everyone but herself for her problems, and his being threatened by your other relationships.
People who fall into relationship traps frequently acknowledge afterward that there were warning signs, but they overlooked them. We do this for many reasons. We may want to be in a relationship so badly, we refuse to see the signs that this one is not working. We may be enamored with some aspect of the other person, such as how we feel in his presence or the way she praises us. The individual may have something we feel we need, such as a large bank account or stable family. It might simply be because staying with the person is easier than starting over.
If you’ve find yourself relating to these scenarios, I highly recommend Marilyn Frazer’s book, The Relationship Trap. In it she tells the stories of fourteen women who ignored the signs that their partners weren’t right for them. It’s a great resource for someone who is inexperienced, hasn’t dated in years, or has been caught in more than one relationship trap. I wholeheartedly agree with Marilyn’s advice: go in with your eyes open and trust your intuition.
People who fall into relationship traps frequently acknowledge afterward that there were warning signs, but they overlooked them. We do this for many reasons. We may want to be in a relationship so badly, we refuse to see the signs that this one is not working. We may be enamored with some aspect of the other person, such as how we feel in his presence or the way she praises us. The individual may have something we feel we need, such as a large bank account or stable family. It might simply be because staying with the person is easier than starting over.
If you’ve find yourself relating to these scenarios, I highly recommend Marilyn Frazer’s book, The Relationship Trap. In it she tells the stories of fourteen women who ignored the signs that their partners weren’t right for them. It’s a great resource for someone who is inexperienced, hasn’t dated in years, or has been caught in more than one relationship trap. I wholeheartedly agree with Marilyn’s advice: go in with your eyes open and trust your intuition.
Friday, March 9, 2012
You are Worth the Wait
Many people ask me why I wrote my book. After all, I’m not a sex therapist or a counselor. It was my experience dating and meeting other singles that motivated me to write. Repeatedly I was surprised by how confused and discouraged people were – men and women alike. One of the most common observations I had was that people did not know this simple truth – they were worth the wait.
People often are confused by the title of my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles. They think it refers to abstinence (although then the title would have to be No Sex for Singles, wouldn’t it?) What I’m suggesting is that they postpone physical intimacy, letting emotional intimacy develop first. While people don’t object to this approach in theory, and many admit to preferring it, they fear that the relationship will end because the other party won’t be willing to wait. I admit that this is a possibility. But think about it – if that’s the case, is this a relationship worth keeping in the long run?
The truth is that you are a treasure in every sense. You’re worth getting to know, and you have a right to know well the people with whom you choose to be intimate – in any sense. If someone doesn’t see you that way, then that’s their inability to recognize your value. You deserve to be with someone discerning enough to appreciate who you are. Your truth is this: you are worth the wait!
People often are confused by the title of my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles. They think it refers to abstinence (although then the title would have to be No Sex for Singles, wouldn’t it?) What I’m suggesting is that they postpone physical intimacy, letting emotional intimacy develop first. While people don’t object to this approach in theory, and many admit to preferring it, they fear that the relationship will end because the other party won’t be willing to wait. I admit that this is a possibility. But think about it – if that’s the case, is this a relationship worth keeping in the long run?
The truth is that you are a treasure in every sense. You’re worth getting to know, and you have a right to know well the people with whom you choose to be intimate – in any sense. If someone doesn’t see you that way, then that’s their inability to recognize your value. You deserve to be with someone discerning enough to appreciate who you are. Your truth is this: you are worth the wait!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Tricho What?
That’s trichomoniasis. If you haven’t heard of it, don’t be surprised. Most people haven’t, yet it’s one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) around, infecting an estimated 7 million people in the U.S. every year. Sexually active women are the most commonly affected. The cause is a protozoan (back to science class!), which infects the vagina and possibly the urethra. As with other STDs, it is spread during unprotected sex.
The problem with this disease is that the vast majority of infected men have no symptoms, although some do experience burning during urination. Only about half of the women infected have symptoms, which include vaginal itching, irritation, smelly yellowish/greenish vaginal discharge, and pain and itching during intercourse and urination. Sounds like a typical yeast infection, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, untreated trichomoniasis can reduce fertility, cause complications during pregnancy, and increase the risk of contracting HIV if exposed (UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, December 2009).
Thankfully this disease can be cured – with a one dose treatment. If you have these symptoms or think you have yeast infection, but it doesn’t clear up, see your doctor. Better still, avoid it all together and always have safe sex. Of course, I’d like to see you having sane sex. It takes it one step further, protecting you emotionally, as well as physically. Be safe and sane, every time.
The problem with this disease is that the vast majority of infected men have no symptoms, although some do experience burning during urination. Only about half of the women infected have symptoms, which include vaginal itching, irritation, smelly yellowish/greenish vaginal discharge, and pain and itching during intercourse and urination. Sounds like a typical yeast infection, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, untreated trichomoniasis can reduce fertility, cause complications during pregnancy, and increase the risk of contracting HIV if exposed (UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, December 2009).
Thankfully this disease can be cured – with a one dose treatment. If you have these symptoms or think you have yeast infection, but it doesn’t clear up, see your doctor. Better still, avoid it all together and always have safe sex. Of course, I’d like to see you having sane sex. It takes it one step further, protecting you emotionally, as well as physically. Be safe and sane, every time.
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