There’s No Need to Outshine Anyone

Do you know someone who makes you feel good about yourself? I recall a coworker who made me feel like a million bucks! Just what is it about the other person that makes you feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many singles tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that my title was director or that I owned my own business. Some would want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed would throw a new acquaintance off course! In extreme cases, some men seemed to feel that they had to better than I was at everything that mattered to them – and the list was long: any sports-related skill, work, income, location of home, driving ability, and possessions. If they felt I excelled in any of these areas over them, the relationship was over.

These men were looking for someone who didn’t outshine them. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. Their partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract them, because they wouldn’t feel good being with a “dull light.” But if her light was too bright, it could outshine theirs. This is just an illusion though. Their lights are their lights. They only appear brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that their self esteem is not based in reality and varies based on who they’re with.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.