What Makes You Feel Good About Yourself?

It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves.  I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office.  What a high it was being around him!

Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good?  In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job.  He was exceptional, though.  I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated.  Sometimes it would be subtle.   We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that my title was Director or that I owned my own business.  One man wanted to know what sports I played and how athletic I was.  I noticed that some men were intimidated learn that I drove a five-speed!  In extreme cases, it seemed that my date felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove.  If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, it was a deal-breaker.

It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others.  These men were looking for someone who didn’t outshine them.  It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way.  Their partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract them in the first place.  Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make them feel good.  But if her light is too bright, it could outshine them.  This is just an illusion though.  Their lights are their lights. They only appear brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s.   This means that their self esteem not based in reality, and it varies based on who they’re with.  Learn to feel good about who you are because of who you are, not who you’re with.

Do You Want a Relationship?

People often ask me why I wrote my book.  One of the primary reasons was that when I was dating, I found singles to be very discouraged.  Generally, the men wanted to have more fun and the women were frustrated and looking to find someone to date seriously. 

To keep in touch with singles, twice a year I attend a singles fair in town.  I typically present my book and love the opportunity to interact with singles.  At this year’s fall fair, I was surprised by how many discouraged men I met.  Several men expressed that the women they’ve been meeting aren’t interested in dating.  They tell the men that they’ve been hurt too often and only go to singles dance to dance.  I do remember hearing this occasionally from other women when I was single.  I was determined not become one of those who gave up!  At the fair, I encouraged the men to keep looking and to try meeting women at places they haven’t considered yet, as I’ve written about before.  I also explained to the guys that women over 50 often are not interested in taking on a project.  They’ve raised their children and cared for their aging parents. While they don’t relish being alone, they prefer that over becoming caregiver for a new husband.

Ladies, the good news for you is that there are men out there looking for a long term relationship. The men I spoke to at the fair didn’t cringe at the sight of my book.  Rather than give up on dating, be clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship and what you have to offer.  I think the book, Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, has tremendous value for both men and women.  It is possible to have a loving relationship at any age.  I know 90-year old women who married her fourth (or fifth, I’ve lost count) husband in her 80s.  Set the intention, and stay in the game!

Never Mind What They Think of You; What do You Think of Them?

So often singles worry about the impression they’re making.  They are overly concerned with their appearance or their ability to say just the right thing.  Many feel compelled to allow the relationship to progress quicker than they’d like out of fear that the other person will not think highly enough of them to stay in the game.  Never mind what he (or she) thinks of you!  The real issue is this: what do you think of him?

I’ve often said that you are a treasure and you want to be sure your partner knows this before taking things too far.  What I haven’t emphasized enough is that you’d better feel strongly about him or her too.  It sounds as if this should be obvious, but I don’t think it always is.  It’s just like job interviewing.  I advise my clients and students to interview the company just as the hiring manager interviews them.  The fit has to work both ways.

I invite you to make this subtle shift.  In your dating relationships, focus more on getting to know the other person well enough to develop an informed opinion of their character, personality, values and so forth.  Take the emphasis off of trying to impress or engage them.  You are the decision maker.  As you get to know the person better and find more things to like, then and only then start to become closer physically.

Building Your Confidence

Practicing sane sex is not for the faint-hearted.  It takes courage and confidence to hold your ground and say “not yet” when asked to take things farther than you’d like.  I had an aha moment recently when I was meeting with two new acquaintances about my book.  I was talking about the need to know your own value when dating, and as I said those words, I sat up tall in my chair.  They both immediately responded to my actions, as if to acknowledge my worth.  One of them asked if I’d ever lacked confidence.  Of course I have and still do occasionally, but their reaction to me was a reminder of how powerful our body language and behavior are.

There are concrete steps you can take to build and project confidence.  Five of my favorite ones come from David Schwartz’s book, The Magic of Thinking Big (Simon & Schuster, 1987).  I was referred to this book when in my 20s, and it made a huge difference for me.  Here are Schwartz’s five confidence-building exercises: be a front seater, make eye contact, walk 25% faster, speak up, and smile big (pp. 61-4).  I practiced these techniques many times and often had evidence of their effectiveness.  For instance, I remember one lunch break when I consciously walked 25% faster through the Empire State Plaza in Albany, NY.  Later that evening, I was talking to a friend, and she told me about seeing a woman earlier that day who projected great confidence as she walked.  My friend was wishing she had such confidence and when she looked at the woman again, she realized it was me!

If you’d like to be more confident in your relationships and dating, select just one of Schwartz’s action steps.  Apply it consistently in any area of your life.  See for yourself how good confidence feels!