Are People Having Insane Sex?

I recently had an interviewer ask me if I thought people were having insane sex, since the title of my book is Sane Sex for Singles. In a sense, I think many are. With most superficial sex, people engage in the most physically intimate behavior they can with someone they barely know. They are not intimate with them in any other sense - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually or financially - yet they intimately share their most precious possession with this person. Doesn’t that seem a little crazy to you?

Why do some people treat their bodies so casually? Why do people smoke? Why do they ignore the many signals their bodies send, such as stop eating, get moving, rest, get some sleep, or don’t drink any more? How is it that people disregard their physician’s advice to lose weight, eat differently, exercise, take their prescribed medicine, quit smoking, or get their routine screening exams?

I think it’s because so many of us take our bodies for granted. We’ve always had them and literally cannot imagine life without them. Our bodies do so much on their own to maintain functional health that it appears we don’t need to make any effort. Our bodies really are amazing. Despite our minimal attention, they continue to function with few signs of distress.

One of the definitions of “insane” is “showing a complete lack of reason or foresight.” When I consider the high price people pay when having superficial sex, it can fit the definition of insane. Often times superficial sex is also unsafe, putting both parties at risk for incurable, life-long STDs, even HIV. Even if it is safe, the emotional risks are very high. As human beings, we are systems, a combination of related parts organized into a complex whole. In other words, one aspect of us, such as physical/sexual, effects every other aspect of us, such as emotional or spiritual. So when the various elements are out of alignment, the imbalance manifests in unpleasant ways. Being physically intimate with someone we are not intimate with in other way represents such an imbalance. Since this result is completely avoidable, I think it’s a bit insane – and sad.

Do an Attitude Check

In October I was asked to be a guest author at a networking event for singles. Barbara Kennedy, author of Baby Boomer Men Looking for Love, and I engaged the singles in a discussion about dating, sex, and the expectations of Baby Boomer men and women. Although I have lots of singles mixer experience, I was taken aback by the conversations that I had with individuals before the discussion and by the group’s responses to Barbara and me.

Before the mixer, I worked the room, approaching groups of men and groups of women – yes, many of them were segregated just like my junior high dances. When I encouraged them, particularly the men, to mingle and approach the other singles, they resisted, saying that there was no one there they wanted to meet. Of course I challenged them on this. How could they tell from across the room that someone was not even worth conversing with? I reminded them that single people know other singles, and maybe networking as a single would be as beneficial for them as it is for business professionals. For the most part, I was not successful. Other than having a couple of them hit on me, I got little response from them. The “oh poor me, here we go again” attitude was prevalent that evening.

I realized that I’d forgotten how negative singles can be. It’s ironic that I’ve forgotten, because the discouragement and apathy I encountered were a large part of my motivation to write my book in the first place. Dating can be so disappointing for people, especially when they allow themselves to be too influenced by the media. Are you letting your past dating experiences to dictate your future ones? My friend, Lynn, used to always tell me it was a numbers game, and I think she’s right. There are wonderful people out there, possibly right in front of you, but you must be open to seeing them. At first glance, Roger was not the man I expected to show up, but he turned out to exceed every expectation I’d had about who the love of my life would be.

Do an attitude check and consciously put all those past negative experiences in the past. Stay centered in today and expect someone terrific to come your way.

Shifting the Focus - It's About You Not Them

When I began dating again in 2005, I was not seeing the kind of men I wanted to. Many were more like boys rather than men: they didn’t keep their word, wouldn’t commit to even a date, wanted easy sex, and sought someone to take care of them and be the grown-up in the relationship. Others felt the need to compete to with me, and when my light appeared brighter than theirs, they opted out.

I eventually learned that the problem wasn’t them; it was me. I had to be the kind of person I wanted to attract, and I had to make room for a man in my life. Once I took others’ advice to claim my beauty and began to see myself as someone a man would be fortunate to be with, I began to draw men who were closer to what I was looking for. Some would say that the quality of man I was attracting was higher, but I hate to frame it that way. We’re all intrinsically of equal value and doing the best we know how to do. Some of us just have a better sense of our own worth.

Single women, if you’re struggling as I was, I encourage you to see your dating experiences from this perspective. It’s pointless to lament that he’s not what you want. If you would know your own truth and value, men who hold the same mindset will be drawn to you – and everything will shift.