If you’re reading this blog, you know that I advocate sane sex which puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. To become emotionally intimate with someone, we first have to know ourselves. And if we want to have a balanced, healthy relationship, we need to like what we find.
So often I’ve found men looking outside themselves for validation. It seems many men only feel good about themselves if they see themselves as superior to those around them, including the person they’d like to be intimate with. They engage in making comparisons of themselves to their potential partner, evaluating every area that’s important to them – and the list is long! I’ve seen it include income; job title; education; athletic abilities of every kind, such as running, throwing, lifting, aerobic endurance, strength, and yes, bowling; public speaking; writing; reading; and of course, driving. When they perceive that they’re measuring up in these areas, they feel good; when they don’t, they reject the other person.
I’ve seen many women wonder what they’ve done wrong, and I’ve fallen prey to that mistaken thinking, too. For years women have been cautioned not to win or appear too smart, because men’s frail egos couldn’t take it. The well-intentioned advice was to dim our lights, so their lights would appear brighter. The truth is that when women do that, they’re being dishonest and untrue to themselves. This can’t possibly lead to strong, healthy relationships.
What men and women need to understand is that their lights come from within. We all have the same source, being made in the image and likeness of the same Creator. To shine brighter, don’t worry about finder dimmer lights to be around. That’s living an illusion, having a self image based on smoke and mirrors. Instead, get to know yourself as a reflection and creation of the Divine. Ralph Waldo Trine wrote that as we open ourselves to God, we reveal our God-like powers. These powers are without limits, so the only limits we have are the ones we place on ourselves. Ron Fox expounds on this, saying that as we come to know ourselves, the more powerful we become.
So ladies, be your best and let your lights shine! Gentlemen, take the time and have the courage to know yourself better. Discover how magnificent you really are. Then you’ll be able to find true emotional intimacy with your partner. Remember, if you want to sleep with her, don’t compete with her!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Gentlemen, You Are Magnificent!
Gentlemen, you are magnificent! My question for you is “when are you going to know it?” I’ve been around men all my life. I have three brothers (no sisters), lots of male cousins, two stepsons, and several close male friends. I’ve also worked in male dominated industries, so I know men are magnificent.
Sadly, I found when I was dating that many men didn’t know their truth. One man in particular, “Bill,” really stands out. We met at a singles event and I was quite smitten with him, to use an old fashioned word. He was attractive, had a good job and education, and described having strong relationships with his parents and two sons. He’d put himself through college, and although it took seven years, he had no debt when he graduated – quite an accomplishment. So while he had a lot to offer, he didn’t have it together.
My first clue came when I gave Bill my card so he could call me, and he noticed MBA after my name. I saw his confidence level drop as he commented on it. He still called me and we did go out – once. Turns out he’d been dating for three years and in all that time never saw anyone more than once. The date was like an interview, which wouldn’t have bothered me (being an HR person), except that he was comparing himself to me the entire time. Bill quizzed me on fitness level and athletic ability, job title, and skills, such as public speaking. While I liked everything he said about himself, by the end of the date he seemed dejected and walked several paces ahead of me as we went to his car. When we got to my house, he never turned off the motor or took off his seat belt, sending a clear message that there would be no second date.
It took a couple of days for me to figure out what had happened. Bill was caught in a vicious cycle of looking for someone good enough to be proud to be with, but not so good that she outshone him. You see we’re like moths and are drawn to the light. So, many men are attracted to bright, confident women. They want to get closer and as they do, her light seems to be too bright. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, so they back off. They have no idea that they can increase the intensity of their own lights, rather than search endlessly for someone whose light is just bright enough, as Bill has done. More on that next time…
Sadly, I found when I was dating that many men didn’t know their truth. One man in particular, “Bill,” really stands out. We met at a singles event and I was quite smitten with him, to use an old fashioned word. He was attractive, had a good job and education, and described having strong relationships with his parents and two sons. He’d put himself through college, and although it took seven years, he had no debt when he graduated – quite an accomplishment. So while he had a lot to offer, he didn’t have it together.
My first clue came when I gave Bill my card so he could call me, and he noticed MBA after my name. I saw his confidence level drop as he commented on it. He still called me and we did go out – once. Turns out he’d been dating for three years and in all that time never saw anyone more than once. The date was like an interview, which wouldn’t have bothered me (being an HR person), except that he was comparing himself to me the entire time. Bill quizzed me on fitness level and athletic ability, job title, and skills, such as public speaking. While I liked everything he said about himself, by the end of the date he seemed dejected and walked several paces ahead of me as we went to his car. When we got to my house, he never turned off the motor or took off his seat belt, sending a clear message that there would be no second date.
It took a couple of days for me to figure out what had happened. Bill was caught in a vicious cycle of looking for someone good enough to be proud to be with, but not so good that she outshone him. You see we’re like moths and are drawn to the light. So, many men are attracted to bright, confident women. They want to get closer and as they do, her light seems to be too bright. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, so they back off. They have no idea that they can increase the intensity of their own lights, rather than search endlessly for someone whose light is just bright enough, as Bill has done. More on that next time…
Saturday, June 11, 2011
A Variation of the Sane Sex Model
Being an Arizona resident, I visited Biosphere 2 on Memorial Day. You may recall that eight people spent two years sequestered in there twenty years ago. I was so intrigued after seeing the space that I bought Jane Poynter’s account of her experience, The Human Experiment: Two Years and Twenty Minutes Inside Biosphere 2
. Jane’s story includes an explanation of how she came to meet and fall in love with her husband, Taber, a perfect illustration of a variation of the sane sex model.
Sane sex most often begins with attraction between two people, who develop emotional intimacy, and only then become physically intimate. A less common, but no less valid progression is to begin as good friends, as Jane and Taber did, developing emotional intimacy first. They endured many challenges and hardships together as they trained to enter Biosphere 2 and became quite close platonically. One evening, after knowing each other for years, they began to see each other differently, and a strong attraction developed. Similar to the typical sex sane model, combining emotional intimacy with attraction results in physical intimacy.
Perhaps you’ve experienced this: becoming good friends with someone (who could be a potential lover), without being attracted to them, only later to find those feelings emerge. It really doesn’t matter what comes first, attraction or emotional closeness, the end result is still meaningful and wonderful. Sane sex is always safe and typically takes place in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship, so how could it be anything less than wonderful?
. Jane’s story includes an explanation of how she came to meet and fall in love with her husband, Taber, a perfect illustration of a variation of the sane sex model.Sane sex most often begins with attraction between two people, who develop emotional intimacy, and only then become physically intimate. A less common, but no less valid progression is to begin as good friends, as Jane and Taber did, developing emotional intimacy first. They endured many challenges and hardships together as they trained to enter Biosphere 2 and became quite close platonically. One evening, after knowing each other for years, they began to see each other differently, and a strong attraction developed. Similar to the typical sex sane model, combining emotional intimacy with attraction results in physical intimacy.
Perhaps you’ve experienced this: becoming good friends with someone (who could be a potential lover), without being attracted to them, only later to find those feelings emerge. It really doesn’t matter what comes first, attraction or emotional closeness, the end result is still meaningful and wonderful. Sane sex is always safe and typically takes place in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship, so how could it be anything less than wonderful?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
