Being Trustworthy

Recently we’ve been looking at how to encourage emotional intimacy to develop and how trust is a major component. Perhaps the easiest, most effective way to build trust in a relationship is to be trustworthy. Author Stephen Covey’s six actions for strengthening relationships and enhancing trust are a great framework. Let’s look at the first three in the context of a dating relationship and some possible actions we could take that align with our steps for achieving emotional intimacy.

Covey’s first action is to understand the other person. We could strive for this by listening with compassion, withholding judgment, and imagining how the person might be feeling. The use of gentle probing questions can also help us better understand as can restating in our own words what we heard the other person say. His second suggestion, clarify your expectations, can be facilitated by our gaining greater self-knowledge, holding realistic expectations of our partner and our relationship, and being forthcoming about what we need. Let’s avoid assuming people know what we mean or what we need and just simply state these things instead. Keep your commitments is Covey’s third action for strengthening relationships. Here we’ll want to keep our word, be on time, and only make promises we know we can keep. I remember how good Roger was at keeping his commitments. He called when he said he would and he didn’t just talk about things we would do – he arranged for us to do them!

Being trustworthy by actually demonstrating we can be trusted is so much more effective than just verbalizing it. Next week we’ll look at Covey’s final three actions and how they can help us achieve greater emotional intimacy.

Compassionate Listening Enhances Trust

Emotional intimacy requires a high level of trust, and trust is established over time. When we have superficial sex, typically early in a relationship, there can be no trust and therefore no real intimacy. When we commit to sane sex, we’re willing to invest the time it takes to build trust, and one practice we can use is compassionate listening.

To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?

Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.

Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.

However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.

Safety and Trust Encourages Emotional Intimacy

A definition of intimacy that I offered in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles was “a close relationship rich in familiarity, understanding, and confidence formed in a quiet atmosphere where detailed knowledge and private utterances could be exchanged.” Given this definition, it makes sense that when you’d like to become emotionally intimate with someone, you need to know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, and then create an atmosphere of safety and trust. If you are to exchange “private utterances” with this person, it’s essential that you feel absolutely safe when sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, and emotions.

Picnics, quiet dinners, scenic boat/train rides, and other activities that allow you to talk comfortably are ideal for sharing meaningful conversation, expressing the need for support, and acknowledging concern for each other. Even car rides can be opportunities for dialogue, so keep the radio and DC player off. Movies, concerts, tours, and other similar forms of entertainment are comfortable introductory dates, but they’re not suited for the kind of communication needed to foster intimacy.

As you’re getting to know your partner better, you need to evaluate your own safety and comfort levels. Stay alert both to how your partner responds when make yourself vulnerable and to your own inner guidance. Be careful not to ignore or rationalize any feeling of discomfort you may be having about your own sense of safety and acceptance by the other person. Emotional intimacy with the right person will be comfortable, secure, and fulfilling.

Recognizing an Appropriate Partner

Last time I looked at knowing yourself well as the first step to becoming emotionally intimate with another person. Once you’ve made some progress in this area (I’m not sure we can ever know all there is know about ourselves), the next step is to be able to recognize a suitable partner, someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate. To do this, you’ll need to use discernment and have realistic expectations.

There are two traps people fall into at this point: having unrealistic expectations and overlooking red flags. I imagine most of us have known someone who had an unrealistic wish list for their potential partner. A classic example of this is the television character Frasier with his dilemma over whom to date – Fay or Cassandra. Neither woman completely measured up and he just couldn’t get past it. If you’ve been searching for a long time, re-examine your must-haves. A look in the mirror is almost always helpful. After all, you’re the common denominator in every one of those situations where the other person didn’t measure up.

Overlooking red flags is a more common problem, I’ve found. I know I got caught more than once staying a relationship that had no chance of success – and the indicators were there from the start. The longer we’ve been looking, the more likely we are to get impatient and ignore or settle. (And didn’t I just say not to be too particular?) The questions to consider are: 1) Is this someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate? Remember that the “get to know yourself well” step applies to your partner, too, not just you. 2) Is this someone with whom you would like to share yourself on deep level? Are they someone you can trust enough to be honest and open with? Red flags include vague responses to your questions, over-reliance on humor, a history of short-term relationships, and inappropriate reactions when you’ve made yourself vulnerable.

Get a handle on these two pitfalls and you’ll be on your way to recognizing someone you’ll want to spend more time with. At that point, you’ll be ready to create an atmosphere of safety and trust, which we’ll look at next week.