Compassionate Listening Enhances Trust

Emotional intimacy requires a high level of trust, and trust is established over time. When we have superficial sex, typically early in a relationship, there can be no trust and therefore no real intimacy. When we commit to sane sex, we’re willing to invest the time it takes to build trust, and one practice we can use is compassionate listening.

To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?

Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.

Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.

However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.