Recognizing an Appropriate Partner

Last time I looked at knowing yourself well as the first step to becoming emotionally intimate with another person. Once you’ve made some progress in this area (I’m not sure we can ever know all there is know about ourselves), the next step is to be able to recognize a suitable partner, someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate. To do this, you’ll need to use discernment and have realistic expectations.

There are two traps people fall into at this point: having unrealistic expectations and overlooking red flags. I imagine most of us have known someone who had an unrealistic wish list for their potential partner. A classic example of this is the television character Frasier with his dilemma over whom to date – Fay or Cassandra. Neither woman completely measured up and he just couldn’t get past it. If you’ve been searching for a long time, re-examine your must-haves. A look in the mirror is almost always helpful. After all, you’re the common denominator in every one of those situations where the other person didn’t measure up.

Overlooking red flags is a more common problem, I’ve found. I know I got caught more than once staying a relationship that had no chance of success – and the indicators were there from the start. The longer we’ve been looking, the more likely we are to get impatient and ignore or settle. (And didn’t I just say not to be too particular?) The questions to consider are: 1) Is this someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate? Remember that the “get to know yourself well” step applies to your partner, too, not just you. 2) Is this someone with whom you would like to share yourself on deep level? Are they someone you can trust enough to be honest and open with? Red flags include vague responses to your questions, over-reliance on humor, a history of short-term relationships, and inappropriate reactions when you’ve made yourself vulnerable.

Get a handle on these two pitfalls and you’ll be on your way to recognizing someone you’ll want to spend more time with. At that point, you’ll be ready to create an atmosphere of safety and trust, which we’ll look at next week.