Honesty and Openness

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” George Washington

As trust grows in our relationships, so does the potential for emotional intimacy. Self-disclosure is necessary if we are to share with another on a deep level, and it involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand that these are not the same thing. To be honest is to tell the truth. For me, honesty is a requirement in all relationships. Lies and half-truths destroy trust in a fraction of the time it takes to build it. If we don’t know for sure that someone is telling the truth, what’s the point of having the conversation? So honesty is a non-negotiable.

Openness is another matter. We can be honest without being open. For example, let’s say someone I know got a new tattoo. Tattoos are not my favorite; they’re just not my thing. If asked my opinion about the tattoo, I wouldn’t want to hurt the person and say I didn’t like it. What good would that accomplish? I could say that they were right in style, keeping up with the times, or something similar along those lines. That would be honest, yet not really open about my personal feelings.

In our dating relationships, we want to be alert regarding how open we should be. Generally speaking, we should strive to be at the same level of openness as the other person, increasing the degree of intimacy gradually. When one person is an open book and the other very guarded, the relationship is out of balance, a warning sign. This means we need to pay attention not only to our own openness, but to the other person’s, as well. What are they not telling you?

If this issue resonates with you, I invite you to read my book. I’ve learned the hard way over the years and I’d love to save you some of the disappointment I experienced!