Working the Room at a Singles Event

Singles events, such as mixers, hikes, and parties, are a great, low risk way to meet other singles interested in dating. On Saturday, February 4 I’ll be speaking at the semi-annual Calculated Couples Singles Fair at the Doubletree Resort in Scottsdale, AZ, so I thought this would an appropriate time to cover the basics of working the room.

When you’re just getting started, you may want to go to singles events with a friend. This usually works out fine, as long as you remember that you’re going there to meet new people, not to hang around with the person you came with. If you go with other people, make an arrangement to separate. Once you have been to a few events, you’ll find that going alone can be quite fun, even if you’re a woman. Being by yourself forces you to interact with others, and it invites others to approach you. It also enables you to stay as long as you’d like.

Avoid sitting at a large table with five or more people, particularly at a dance. No one wants to be turned down in front of a crowd of people, so make it easy for people to approach you. It’s often successful to begin by seeking one or two people of the same gender to stand or sit with. Rather than getting involved in a deep conversation, keep it to small talk – and be positive. No one will be drawn to a negative conversation. Sit or stand so you face and observe the room, and be interested in your surroundings. Make it possible for people to come up to you and break into your conversation. If you see someone alone who looks approachable (or needs someone to talk to), this is your opportunity to approach him or her.

Finally, a great ice-breaker I’ve found for conversation is asking the other person if he’s attended other events the group has put on and what they were like. This can lead to information on how long he’s been dating, how much dating he does, and so forth. People love to be asked for their opinion, so this is usually a comfortable way to get the conversation started. For more tips on conversations, join me next week.

Have Fun While Waiting it Out

Following the sane sex model for dating requires that we postpone physical intimacy until we are emotionally intimate with someone. Emotional intimacy is not quick or easy to achieve, so the wait may feel endless. In our technologically advanced world, wait times seem to get shorter and shorter. (Do you remember having to wait for the television to warm up before the picture would appear?) How do we wait it out successfully?

One approach I learned to take to was to make sure I was having fun. Unlike some people who date, I did have a goal of meeting the love of my life, pretty serious stuff. Being a goal-oriented person like most entrepreneurs, I had to pay attention to how I was feeling. I realized that if I wasn’t having fun, I wasn’t going to be any fun to be around, and people want to have fun when they’re dating. I promised myself to relax more and let events unfold as they would. If after spending time somewhere I found I wasn’t enjoying myself, I honored my feelings and left. Over time, I started to draw men to me who had values and interests similar to mine. This made dating more enjoyable and I was able to have fun, even if my date wasn’t the love of my life.

Are you having a good time dating? If you’re not meeting people you enjoy being with, change it up. Over the years I’ve heard stories of people meeting their partner in every conceivable place. Stay open and light-hearted. Be the kind of person people want to be with and have fun.

What’s on Your List?

So do you have one – a wish list of qualities you’d like to have in your ideal partner? Having such a list is a good idea. How will you know when you find it, if you don’t know what you’re looking for? There are many wonderful people looking for partners (there really are!), so it helps to narrow down the field of possibilities a bit.

As you make your list, keep in mind the point from last week, that you first have to be everything on your list. What are your priorities? When making my list, I was definitely influenced by my past relationships. I included some of the qualities I felt were essential that were not present in my previous experiences. What lessons have you learned about what’s vital for you? It may help to list the people you admire, married or single, that you feel are or would be a wonderful partner. Can you recognize common traits among them? Are you drawn to generosity, authenticity, or humor?

Strive for balance as you compose your list. With any choice, we don’t want to settle, yet we need to be realistic. Expecting someone to love and accept you, flaws and all, is one thing. Seeking someone to make you feel worthy or lovable is another. When I was dating, there were several men I encountered who appeared to be measuring me up, as if we were competing. I finally concluded that they were looking for someone to whom they felt superior, so they could feel good about themselves in comparison. Putting your sense of self worth in someone else’s hands is always a slippery slope! When making your list, focus on qualities of character.

Finally, you don’t have just one chance to get it right. Review you list as you go. Revisions are a valuable part of the process. They mean you’re learning about yourself and getting clearer, and those are good things.

Your Dating Intentions for 2012

For many of us, January means a fresh start. This was particularly true for me in 2007. In the spring of 2006, I had set the intention to meet the love of my life by the end of the year. This wasn’t a date I pulled out of the air; I’d been doing my inner work and just completed the seven-week process outlined by Katherine Woodward Thomas in her wonderful book, Calling in the One. But despite my best efforts, it didn’t happen, and I spent the holidays single – again.

After reflecting on my experience and beliefs over the holidays, I decided not to give up. I acknowledged that I had made progress and vowed to continue. I recommitted to having only sane sex, no matter how long it took. On January 13, 2007, I met Roger. By Valentine’s Day, I knew he was the one. This may sound quick, but Roger said he knew the day we met.

So where are you this January? If you’re single, but would like not to be, set your intention. I highly recommend Thomas’ process. In the seventh week, she has you list the things you’d like to have in a partner. Then she calls on you to be those things first. It’s a misconception that we should look for someone to complete us. Do you want a partner with missing parts? Look for someone to complement you, not complete you. Be specific and write it down. Believe it’s possible, because it is. If you have doubts, read the story of Roger’s and me in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles.

Happy New Year!