What’s on Your List?

So do you have one – a wish list of qualities you’d like to have in your ideal partner? Having such a list is a good idea. How will you know when you find it, if you don’t know what you’re looking for? There are many wonderful people looking for partners (there really are!), so it helps to narrow down the field of possibilities a bit.

As you make your list, keep in mind the point from last week, that you first have to be everything on your list. What are your priorities? When making my list, I was definitely influenced by my past relationships. I included some of the qualities I felt were essential that were not present in my previous experiences. What lessons have you learned about what’s vital for you? It may help to list the people you admire, married or single, that you feel are or would be a wonderful partner. Can you recognize common traits among them? Are you drawn to generosity, authenticity, or humor?

Strive for balance as you compose your list. With any choice, we don’t want to settle, yet we need to be realistic. Expecting someone to love and accept you, flaws and all, is one thing. Seeking someone to make you feel worthy or lovable is another. When I was dating, there were several men I encountered who appeared to be measuring me up, as if we were competing. I finally concluded that they were looking for someone to whom they felt superior, so they could feel good about themselves in comparison. Putting your sense of self worth in someone else’s hands is always a slippery slope! When making your list, focus on qualities of character.

Finally, you don’t have just one chance to get it right. Review you list as you go. Revisions are a valuable part of the process. They mean you’re learning about yourself and getting clearer, and those are good things.