Handling First Dates - Part Two

So you’re comfortable with where you’re going on your first date.  Now what?

·       Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.

·       Tell a friend where and when you’re going.

·       Avoid going straight from work.  Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, ready for fun frame of mind.

·       If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.

·       Try to relax (breathe!) and be yourself.  Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.  Focus on getting to know the other person, rather than on the impression you’re making.

·       Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date.  Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss.  Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought.  It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it.  (I reserve this approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when the last time I’d had sex was!)

The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on the first date.  My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not.  I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be.  First dates are the same way.  Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.

Handling First Dates - Part One

As I discussed last week, singles events can take us out of our comfort zones.  If you’ve been successful at working the room and meeting new people, you ideally will be faced with the next major challenge: the dreaded first date. 

Many people find first dates nerve-wracking.  For me, as a former human resources professional, I was pretty comfortable most of the time because I found them similar to a job interview.  Each party is dressed well (usually) and on his or her best behavior, carefully monitoring what was said and what impressions were being made.  Often, they ask each other questions, very much like an interview, except the questions could be more personal.  Where are you from?  How long were you married?  How often do you see your children?  Each side is gathering information, trying to decide if he or she wants to continue the process.

If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list).  First, carefully consider where you go.  A coffee date is usually short.  It happens in a public place and allows you (alright, forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time.  A movie date is longer and prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer.  It takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public, so all-in-all I don’t recommend going to a movie as a first date. 

Having a drink where live music is playing is a good compromise, provided you can talk and hear yourselves over the music.  Be very aware of how much you drink.  Stay in control of yourself, and make sure you can safely drive home.  If you read my wellness articles, you probably know that health experts advise a limit of one drink for women and two for men.

Want more?  Join me next week for part two…

You Can Do It!

"You must do the things you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

 Many people who become single over forty stop dating or, worse yet, don’t even start, out of fear or discomfort. They have an unpleasant dating experience and they give up, deciding it’s easier not to try at all.  Easier? Perhaps, but not more enjoyable.  Yes, they can avoid the awkwardness of not knowing what to say or the discomfort of being alone in a crowd of people by staying at home, but that gets lonely after a while.

Eleanor Roosevelt grew up in wealth, but she was awkward, unattractive, and painfully shy.  She learned the benefits to be gained when we do the things we think we cannot do.  Singles would do well to follow her advice.  I used to go to singles dances two or three times a month. Most of the time, I got asked to dance and I had a good time.  But occasionally I went unnoticed.  I recall standing there ill at ease, feeling as if everyone was staring at me.  I realize now how silly that notion was.  I wasn’t being stared at - no one was looking at me!  If someone had noticed me, I would have approached them and begun a conversation. 

At some point in the process, we have to put ourselves out there and be willing to take some risks.  It gets easier if we keep our thoughts under control and keep the big picture in mind.  Although I got discouraged at times, I eventually got back in the game.  With experience, it got more comfortable to meet new people, and finally I met Roger.  Don’t sell yourself short; you can do it!

Looking For External Validation

Last week I wrote about the danger of needing to outshine your partner to feel good about yourself.  To illustrate my point, I’d like to tell you about one man in particular who really stood out. 

Our entire first date was more like an interview, where he assessed my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not).  He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him.  He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through.  He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time.  Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive.  He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. 

He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him.  By the end of our date, he was demoralized.  When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine.  Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone!  It’s not too surprising, given his perspective.  Odds are, there was nothing wrong with the majority of these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date?  I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.