Tricho What?

That’s trichomoniasis. If you haven’t heard of it, don’t be surprised. Most people haven’t, yet it’s one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) around, infecting an estimated 7 million people in the U.S. every year. Sexually active women are the most commonly affected. The cause is a protozoan (back to science class!), which infects the vagina and possibly the urethra. As with other STDs, it is spread during unprotected sex.

The problem with this disease is that the vast majority of infected men have no symptoms, although some do experience burning during urination. Only about half of the women infected have symptoms, which include vaginal itching, irritation, smelly yellowish/greenish vaginal discharge, and pain and itching during intercourse and urination. Sounds like a typical yeast infection, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, untreated trichomoniasis can reduce fertility, cause complications during pregnancy, and increase the risk of contracting HIV if exposed (UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, December 2009).

Thankfully this disease can be cured – with a one dose treatment. If you have these symptoms or think you have yeast infection, but it doesn’t clear up, see your doctor. Better still, avoid it all together and always have safe sex. Of course, I’d like to see you having sane sex. It takes it one step further, protecting you emotionally, as well as physically. Be safe and sane, every time.

Treasure Your Body

Perhaps you’ve heard it said that your body is God’s temple, so you should treat it with respect and care for it. I don’t disagree with this viewpoint; I just don’t find it very motivating when I need to make a change about how I treat my body. After all, there are approximately 6,697,254,000 people (a 2008 estimate from World Bank) in the world today, so we might think, what’s one more or less to God?

I do find it compelling to consider, however, that my body is my temple – and I only have one. When this one dies, the game in this realm is over. Have you ever thought that there is nothing you can accomplish, no goal you can have on this earth that doesn’t require your body? Even thinking, writing, and praying all require your mind. And you cannot escape from your body; it goes everywhere you do.

With sane sex, your body is treasured and treated like the temple it is. Think about your most treasured possessions. Do you share them with just anyone? Yet most of them are replaceable. Not so with your body, so take care with it! Sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. Don’t you want to share your temple with someone who will treat it with the reverence and awe that you do? (I hope you do treat it that way!) Being well sexually and committing to nothing less than sane sex are truly powerful ways to honor your body temple.

Sane Sex or Same Sex?

When people see my book cover or hear me say the name of the book, Worth Waiting For, Sane Sex for Singles, they often hear “same” sex rather than “sane” sex. I like the phrase “sane sex” because it’s close to safe sex in sound and is just one level up from safe sex on the sexual continuum. (The sexual continuum is one way to represent how we experience sex: silly sex, superficial sex, safe sex, sane sex, and sacred sex.) I encourage people to step it up a level and commit to more than just having safe sex; I invite them to have sane sex, which is sex in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship, where we put emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy.

But what about “same” sex? Does sane sex apply only to straight couples? Not at all. Attraction, sex, love, and emotional intimacy are universal experiences, regardless of sexual orientation. Whether one is gay or straight, having sex with a virtual stranger just doesn’t make sense. Smart, healthy people treasure their bodies, and they want to be intimate only with someone who will also treasure their body. How can a person who barely knows you really treasure anything about you? Sane sex makes just as much sense for those interested in same sex as it does for anyone else.

Learn to Work the Room – Part 3

Learning to work the room not only means knowing how to start conversations, but how to end them as well. If you’re at a networking event where the goal is to meet a lot of people, try not to monopolize anyone too long. Suggest that you meet for coffee later in the week when you get to know each other better away from the crowd. When you’re ready to break away, say that you enjoyed talking with the person and that you’d like to move about the room a bit. If that doesn’t feel right, you can simply say “excuse me,” smile, and step away. That seemed abrupt to me the first time I heard that advice, but I’ve tried it and found it works well. Smile warmly and be gracious, and move on.

A common mistake I see people make is they size up the crowd too quickly, decide there’s no one of interest there, and leave too early. You cannot tell whether someone is worth meeting by glancing at them across the room. Not everyone arrives at the same time. If it’s a two to three hour event, give it at least an hour. Don’t hang out at the food table or in the corner with your cell phone. Work the room, using the techniques I’ve been describing, and intend on meeting someone interesting. Expect it to happen and it will.

If you’re an introvert, it may take some time before you feel comfortable at these events. The most important thing is to go! You won’t meet anyone at home, nor will it get easier if you don’t get out there. I’ve found that most other people are a bit nervous, so you won’t stand out in that regard at all. Promise yourself you can leave after an hour, if you’re not having a good time. Be sure to keep that promise, but don’t be surprised if you end up staying longer than you expected.

Learning to Work the Room – Part 2

So just how do you start a conversation and keep it going? Sounds pretty basic, but it’s simple things like these that keep people against the wall, in a corner, or away from a singles or networking event altogether. There are a few simple techniques that will help you work any room, whether it’s for business or pleasure. Let’s begin with starting conversations.

It’s easiest to talk to someone who is alone, as often they’re wishing they had someone to talk to, also. Be observant about your surroundings and make a general but positive statement to the person. You could comment about the music, the décor, the good turnout – just avoid anything negative. You could pay a sincere compliment. If no one appears to be alone, stand near two or three people and look for a moment to break in, provided the conversation doesn’t appear to be personal. (If you’re the one in the conversation, be aware of others around who may also be looking to join you.)

When you are engaged in conversation, stay present and attentive. Being aware of your surroundings does not mean you continually look over the other person’s shoulder to see who’s come in or may be around who would be more interesting. You’ll come across as rude and set a poor tone for the occasion. To keep the conversation going, you could ask about other activities they attend, chat about a local news or sporting event, or introduce another neutral topic. Talk about a great movie you recently enjoyed or point out a person in the room who reminds you of someone you admire. Ask gentle, non-invasive questions, taking care not to let it sound like an interview.

Stay positive and interested to continue being interesting. If something is said that you don’t agree with, let it go. Strive to be agreeable rather than right. Leave your soap box home!

Working the Room at a Singles Event

Singles events, such as mixers, hikes, and parties, are a great, low risk way to meet other singles interested in dating. On Saturday, February 4 I’ll be speaking at the semi-annual Calculated Couples Singles Fair at the Doubletree Resort in Scottsdale, AZ, so I thought this would an appropriate time to cover the basics of working the room.

When you’re just getting started, you may want to go to singles events with a friend. This usually works out fine, as long as you remember that you’re going there to meet new people, not to hang around with the person you came with. If you go with other people, make an arrangement to separate. Once you have been to a few events, you’ll find that going alone can be quite fun, even if you’re a woman. Being by yourself forces you to interact with others, and it invites others to approach you. It also enables you to stay as long as you’d like.

Avoid sitting at a large table with five or more people, particularly at a dance. No one wants to be turned down in front of a crowd of people, so make it easy for people to approach you. It’s often successful to begin by seeking one or two people of the same gender to stand or sit with. Rather than getting involved in a deep conversation, keep it to small talk – and be positive. No one will be drawn to a negative conversation. Sit or stand so you face and observe the room, and be interested in your surroundings. Make it possible for people to come up to you and break into your conversation. If you see someone alone who looks approachable (or needs someone to talk to), this is your opportunity to approach him or her.

Finally, a great ice-breaker I’ve found for conversation is asking the other person if he’s attended other events the group has put on and what they were like. This can lead to information on how long he’s been dating, how much dating he does, and so forth. People love to be asked for their opinion, so this is usually a comfortable way to get the conversation started. For more tips on conversations, join me next week.

Have Fun While Waiting it Out

Following the sane sex model for dating requires that we postpone physical intimacy until we are emotionally intimate with someone. Emotional intimacy is not quick or easy to achieve, so the wait may feel endless. In our technologically advanced world, wait times seem to get shorter and shorter. (Do you remember having to wait for the television to warm up before the picture would appear?) How do we wait it out successfully?

One approach I learned to take to was to make sure I was having fun. Unlike some people who date, I did have a goal of meeting the love of my life, pretty serious stuff. Being a goal-oriented person like most entrepreneurs, I had to pay attention to how I was feeling. I realized that if I wasn’t having fun, I wasn’t going to be any fun to be around, and people want to have fun when they’re dating. I promised myself to relax more and let events unfold as they would. If after spending time somewhere I found I wasn’t enjoying myself, I honored my feelings and left. Over time, I started to draw men to me who had values and interests similar to mine. This made dating more enjoyable and I was able to have fun, even if my date wasn’t the love of my life.

Are you having a good time dating? If you’re not meeting people you enjoy being with, change it up. Over the years I’ve heard stories of people meeting their partner in every conceivable place. Stay open and light-hearted. Be the kind of person people want to be with and have fun.