Are Your Expectations Getting in the Way?

If you’ve read my book, you know that I used Katherine Woodward Thomas’ wonderful book, Calling in the One, on my journey to meeting the love of my life, Roger. One point Thomas emphasized was not to allow your expectations to cause you to miss an ideal partner. She candidly shared that she had almost made this mistake, so I paid careful attention to her advice – or so I thought.

I must admit that as I was dating, I saw myself with someone who was close to my age or even younger. I’m in excellent health and am frequently told that I don’t look my age, so I thought this made sense. Another factor in my reasoning was that my mother had recently died, and I saw how hard it was for my father to be alone. The last thing I wanted was to be in that position. I met Roger on a Saturday night and went to singles mixer the following Thursday where I met two other men I was interested in getting to know better. (By this time in my process, I was getting much more skilled at calling in suitable potential partners.) Of the three men, Roger was the oldest, and he did not fit my image of being “close to my age or even younger.” Dating three men at once was every bit the challenge one would expect it to be, so I was eager to narrow down my choices. I tried to break it off with Roger, but he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. In the end, I discovered he was right.

Thank heavens, I, like Katherine, got a second chance to get it right. Expectations come in many forms. Be aware of yours, and don’t let them blind you to someone who might just be the love of your life!

Use the Law of Supply and Demand to Your Advantage

If you’ve ever taken Economics, then you’re probably familiar with the law of supply and demand which says when the supply of a product is higher than demand, price is low; when demand is greater than supply, prices go up. We’ve all felt this at the gas pump as oil producing nations cut production to lower supply and our bills at the pump increased.

While high gas prices are unpleasant, the negative effects of this law are even worse when dating. My research demonstrated this law in action repeatedly. Women particularly reported that having many short term, casual encounters left them feeling devalued and unappreciated. They literally felt their value diminish. Value and price represent the same thing, and these women had increased supply, so their perceived value went down. (Their true value as human beings did not, of course, but in the dating arena they were no longer seen as special or unique – think paper clip from last week!)

The solution is to remember that you have tremendous value – and to act like it! You can affect your perceived value by keeping supply low. It’s very empowering really because you are in control of your value. The sane sex model is the perfect framework for this approach. Postponing physical intimacy until after becoming emotionally intimate says to your partner and the world, “I’m worth the wait,” and you are!

Be a Diamond, Not a Paperclip

If given the choice, would you rather be a diamond or a paper clip? This is what I like to ask people when they tell me all the reasons why superficial sex works for them. It’s not a trick question, and once people realize this, they’d rather be the diamond, of course. So would I!

However, with superficial sex, we behave as if we’re paper clips - ordinary, commonplace, everyday items. When we sleep with virtually everyone we go out with, for whatever the reason, we’ve made being intimate with us a common, routine experience. Just as we wouldn’t get excited to find a paperclip on the floor because they’re so common and inexpensive, when we don’t act like the treasure we are, people won’t see us as one either.

A diamond is unique, rare, beautiful and of high value – sounds like a human being, doesn’t it? There’s a diaper commercial being aired lately that describes every baby as a miracle. I was struck today that nothing really changes (or should) as we age. Each person is a miracle, including you! The adjectives I apply to a diamond are relevant to you throughout life, so claim that for yourself. You are a diamond, a treasure!

The Wait Isn’t Easy, But Consider the Alternative

This morning as I was getting ready for my day, I overheard a sitcom that my daughter was watching on television. The female lead was lamenting over the decision she’d made to sleep with a virtual stranger just so she could finally have sex. It had been three years since she’d been with a man. She discovered he wasn’t quite what she thought he was, and now she had to make sure he didn’t expect anything more from her.

Her distress was not just about the position she’d put herself in; it was also that she’d been so intimate with someone she considered a loser. While I hate to see superficial sex portrayed on television, at least it wasn’t glamorized. In fact, this outcome is very much the norm when we aren’t committed to having sane sex.

Although the show as a comedy made light of the leading lady’s feelings, let’s acknowledge that it is difficult to go so long without the warmth and intimacy that meaningful sex offers. I devoted an entire chapter in my book to this subject. I remember being in this character’s position when I was dating and the many times I reached out to my friends for support. I found that as I got clearer about what I brought to a relationship, I started to attract men who were more suitable as partners. While we weren’t having sex, my dating experience was much more enjoyable than it had been. I also found that physical contact is not all or nothing. There are many forms of physical closeness and sexual expression besides having sex.

I encourage you to hang in there if you find yourself tiring of the wait. “No sex” may be tough, but bad sex is worse.

Staying in Alignment

If you’ve ever followed Today’s Dating Model, you probably noticed that something doesn’t feel quite right. You may recall that with Today’s Dating Model people move from attraction to physical intimacy very quickly, without having experienced emotional intimacy. The discomfort that results is from being out of alignment.

We are not just physical or sexual beings. We are also spiritual beings, and we’re complex. Body, mind, and spirit are all interwoven. For instance, we can physically feel our emotions, with a knot in the stomach or tightness in the shoulders. When presented with the chance to do something we find enjoyable, our energy level lifts immediately. We just can’t compartmentalize our bodies from our thoughts or feelings. So when we engage in sex before becoming emotionally intimate with someone, the various types of intimacy are out of alignment. Like the sensation we have when our car is out of alignment, it doesn’t feel comfortable.

With the Sane Sex Model, physical intimacy is postponed until emotional intimacy is created. As we get to know the other person and disclose more of ourselves to create greater emotional intimacy, it’s natural to get physically closer, as well. Keep in mind that there is an array of ways to gradually express greater physical closeness. Just as we wouldn’t divulge our deepest secrets to someone we barely know, it doesn’t make sense to have sex with that person either.

The Sane Sex Model honors your heart and your body. It keeps everything in alignment, making it much more likely to have a fulfilling experience emotionally and physically.

Joanne's Appearance on Lifetime Television's The Balancing Act

What Are Your Blind Spots?

Are you aware of your blind spots? Not sure what I mean by that? A blind spot is an area where we’re not seeing clearly. Because it’s blind to us, we’re unaware of it, at least initially. After we get burned a few times, however, we can start to recognize a pattern and begin to see what we’ve been overlooking.

When I was dating, I noticed I had a blind spot for religious or spiritual men. I was so taken by their spirituality that I failed to see them as men, too, who like the rest of us have their shortcomings. When we have a blind spot toward someone, we tend to give them too much credit; may trust them too soon, before they’ve really earned our trust; and simply will not see them in totality. Common things that may blind us include wealth, job title, education and other credentials, memberships, accomplishments and awards, and relationships – who they know. For instance, we might be blinded by his advanced degree, her knowing a celebrity, or his expensive car. Someone’s ability to do something we find difficult can certainly create a blind spot for us. Keep in mind that blind spots can go the other way, too. We may allow someone’s poor dress, rundown home, or low level job blind us to their wonderful character or loving attitude.

So if we’re blind to them, how do go about recognizing blind spots? One of the best ways I know is to take regular time, daily if you can, to be still and reflect. I enjoy sitting in my backyard early in the morning listening to my fountain and watching the hummingbirds. All kinds of insights come to me during these times. Spend time thinking about the people who surprised you, who turned out to be different than you expected. Journaling about these experiences and reviewing your entries over time will help you catch patterns. The idea here is not to be critical with yourself, but rather to observe your tendencies, assumptions, and thoughts. Over time if you’re honest with yourself and observant, any blind spots you have should become apparent. Congratulate yourself when recognize one because that’s the most important step to overcoming it!