How Well Do You Know Yourself?

As you may know, the sane sex model begins with attraction typically, and only after emotional intimacy is reached does physical intimacy occur. For most people, the attraction part is pretty easy. It’s the emotional intimacy part that’s the rub. Just how does one become emotionally intimate with another?

Emotional intimacy requires sharing ourselves honestly at a deep level. The first step to achieving emotional intimacy with someone is to know yourself and to be comfortable with that sense of self. Concerns about how much or what to share or when to let your guard down are issues to address down the road. We need to begin internally first, with our own inner work. When we don’t take the time for reflection or when we don’t want to face what’s going on with us, it’s impossible to be honest or deep with another person. We may be projecting what we think the world expects, needs, or wants us to be. We may think certain motives are behind our behavior, when in reality it’s fear that underlies our actions.

Our attention is pulled in dozens of directions at a time in the form of advertisements, technology, and the media. We are so wired today that we’re unlikely to find the time to be still and connect with ourselves. We need to make the time. Whether you are seeking that special relationship or want to deepen one you have, I encourage you to spend time not by yourself, but with yourself every day. This time invested will ultimately enable you to achieve emotional intimacy more quickly and easily with the right person.

Sane Sex and Spaghetti

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother said that life was like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get. While I love any reference to chocolate, I like to see life as a bowl of spaghetti, because, like each strand of pasta, everything touches everything else.

This is certainly true when it come to physical health, emotional health, and satisfying sex. Research repeatedly demonstrates the interconnections among the three and suggests that people who have strong, intimate relationships tend to have fewer chronic diseases and live longer. Dr. Julia Heiman, PhD, director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University explains that a satisfying sex life can promote good health, which then can enhance physical health. Orgasms, or even loving touch, can cause the body to release chemicals that reduce pain, enhance immunity, or improve mood well after the initial pleasure has passed.

I occasionally hear statements endorsing a “friends with benefits” arrangement, where although the parties are not in an exclusive, loving relationship, they find the sex enjoyable. While these relationships don’t seem to harm either person, let’s understand that they’re limited. The benefits described above that come from strong, intimate connections are unlikely to result. The idea here is not to make anything right or wrong, but rather to be absolutely clear about what we want and what we’re likely to get given the choices we make.

Is Sane Sex for Teenagers?

Sometimes when people hear about my book they comment that they’d like to give it to a teenager they know. I have mixed feelings about this. Certainly I want teens to know not just about safe sex, but about sane sex, which is more likely to protect them both physically and emotionally. I want them to understand that having sex is a big deal, not appropriate first date behavior or a recreational activity to alleviate boredom. But I have concerns about anyone engaging in behavior that could result in pregnancy when they are not prepared to raise a child. This clearly applies to high school students.

Elizabeth Rice Allgeier, a psychologist and retired professor from Bowling Green University, developed the following questions for teens to consider when contemplating having sex:

- Do you feel guiltless and comfortable about your level of involvement?
- Are you confident that you will not be humiliated and that your reputation will not be hurt?
- Is it true that neither you nor your partner is pressuring the other for sex?
- Will having sex be an expression of your current feelings for the other, rather than an attempt to improve a poor relationship or prove your love?
- Can you discuss and agree upon an effective method of contraception and share the details, responsibilities, and cost of using the method?
- Can you discuss the potential for contracting or transmitting sexually transmitted diseases?
- Have you discussed and agreed on what both of you will do if conception occurs?

I like this list for teens, and I think it has value for adults, too. I would add the following questions:

- Have you agreed to see each other exclusively? (Are you sure you want to have sex if you haven’t?)
- Do you love each other? (Are you really sure you want to have sex if you don’t?)

If you’ve read my book, these last two points shouldn’t be a surprise. Sex is sane when it’s safe and happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship – and that’s my wish for anyone who is sexually active.

Are Your Expectations Getting in the Way?

If you’ve read my book, you know that I used Katherine Woodward Thomas’ wonderful book, Calling in the One, on my journey to meeting the love of my life, Roger. One point Thomas emphasized was not to allow your expectations to cause you to miss an ideal partner. She candidly shared that she had almost made this mistake, so I paid careful attention to her advice – or so I thought.

I must admit that as I was dating, I saw myself with someone who was close to my age or even younger. I’m in excellent health and am frequently told that I don’t look my age, so I thought this made sense. Another factor in my reasoning was that my mother had recently died, and I saw how hard it was for my father to be alone. The last thing I wanted was to be in that position. I met Roger on a Saturday night and went to singles mixer the following Thursday where I met two other men I was interested in getting to know better. (By this time in my process, I was getting much more skilled at calling in suitable potential partners.) Of the three men, Roger was the oldest, and he did not fit my image of being “close to my age or even younger.” Dating three men at once was every bit the challenge one would expect it to be, so I was eager to narrow down my choices. I tried to break it off with Roger, but he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. In the end, I discovered he was right.

Thank heavens, I, like Katherine, got a second chance to get it right. Expectations come in many forms. Be aware of yours, and don’t let them blind you to someone who might just be the love of your life!

Use the Law of Supply and Demand to Your Advantage

If you’ve ever taken Economics, then you’re probably familiar with the law of supply and demand which says when the supply of a product is higher than demand, price is low; when demand is greater than supply, prices go up. We’ve all felt this at the gas pump as oil producing nations cut production to lower supply and our bills at the pump increased.

While high gas prices are unpleasant, the negative effects of this law are even worse when dating. My research demonstrated this law in action repeatedly. Women particularly reported that having many short term, casual encounters left them feeling devalued and unappreciated. They literally felt their value diminish. Value and price represent the same thing, and these women had increased supply, so their perceived value went down. (Their true value as human beings did not, of course, but in the dating arena they were no longer seen as special or unique – think paper clip from last week!)

The solution is to remember that you have tremendous value – and to act like it! You can affect your perceived value by keeping supply low. It’s very empowering really because you are in control of your value. The sane sex model is the perfect framework for this approach. Postponing physical intimacy until after becoming emotionally intimate says to your partner and the world, “I’m worth the wait,” and you are!