Staying in Alignment

If you’ve ever followed Today’s Dating Model, you probably noticed that something doesn’t feel quite right. You may recall that with Today’s Dating Model people move from attraction to physical intimacy very quickly, without having experienced emotional intimacy. The discomfort that results is from being out of alignment.

We are not just physical or sexual beings. We are also spiritual beings, and we’re complex. Body, mind, and spirit are all interwoven. For instance, we can physically feel our emotions, with a knot in the stomach or tightness in the shoulders. When presented with the chance to do something we find enjoyable, our energy level lifts immediately. We just can’t compartmentalize our bodies from our thoughts or feelings. So when we engage in sex before becoming emotionally intimate with someone, the various types of intimacy are out of alignment. Like the sensation we have when our car is out of alignment, it doesn’t feel comfortable.

With the Sane Sex Model, physical intimacy is postponed until emotional intimacy is created. As we get to know the other person and disclose more of ourselves to create greater emotional intimacy, it’s natural to get physically closer, as well. Keep in mind that there is an array of ways to gradually express greater physical closeness. Just as we wouldn’t divulge our deepest secrets to someone we barely know, it doesn’t make sense to have sex with that person either.

The Sane Sex Model honors your heart and your body. It keeps everything in alignment, making it much more likely to have a fulfilling experience emotionally and physically.

Joanne's Appearance on Lifetime Television's The Balancing Act

What Are Your Blind Spots?

Are you aware of your blind spots? Not sure what I mean by that? A blind spot is an area where we’re not seeing clearly. Because it’s blind to us, we’re unaware of it, at least initially. After we get burned a few times, however, we can start to recognize a pattern and begin to see what we’ve been overlooking.

When I was dating, I noticed I had a blind spot for religious or spiritual men. I was so taken by their spirituality that I failed to see them as men, too, who like the rest of us have their shortcomings. When we have a blind spot toward someone, we tend to give them too much credit; may trust them too soon, before they’ve really earned our trust; and simply will not see them in totality. Common things that may blind us include wealth, job title, education and other credentials, memberships, accomplishments and awards, and relationships – who they know. For instance, we might be blinded by his advanced degree, her knowing a celebrity, or his expensive car. Someone’s ability to do something we find difficult can certainly create a blind spot for us. Keep in mind that blind spots can go the other way, too. We may allow someone’s poor dress, rundown home, or low level job blind us to their wonderful character or loving attitude.

So if we’re blind to them, how do go about recognizing blind spots? One of the best ways I know is to take regular time, daily if you can, to be still and reflect. I enjoy sitting in my backyard early in the morning listening to my fountain and watching the hummingbirds. All kinds of insights come to me during these times. Spend time thinking about the people who surprised you, who turned out to be different than you expected. Journaling about these experiences and reviewing your entries over time will help you catch patterns. The idea here is not to be critical with yourself, but rather to observe your tendencies, assumptions, and thoughts. Over time if you’re honest with yourself and observant, any blind spots you have should become apparent. Congratulate yourself when recognize one because that’s the most important step to overcoming it!

Hey Guys, If You Want to Sleep With Her, Don't Compete With Her

If you’re reading this blog, you know that I advocate sane sex which puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. To become emotionally intimate with someone, we first have to know ourselves. And if we want to have a balanced, healthy relationship, we need to like what we find.

So often I’ve found men looking outside themselves for validation. It seems many men only feel good about themselves if they see themselves as superior to those around them, including the person they’d like to be intimate with. They engage in making comparisons of themselves to their potential partner, evaluating every area that’s important to them – and the list is long! I’ve seen it include income; job title; education; athletic abilities of every kind, such as running, throwing, lifting, aerobic endurance, strength, and yes, bowling; public speaking; writing; reading; and of course, driving. When they perceive that they’re measuring up in these areas, they feel good; when they don’t, they reject the other person.

I’ve seen many women wonder what they’ve done wrong, and I’ve fallen prey to that mistaken thinking, too. For years women have been cautioned not to win or appear too smart, because men’s frail egos couldn’t take it. The well-intentioned advice was to dim our lights, so their lights would appear brighter. The truth is that when women do that, they’re being dishonest and untrue to themselves. This can’t possibly lead to strong, healthy relationships.

What men and women need to understand is that their lights come from within. We all have the same source, being made in the image and likeness of the same Creator. To shine brighter, don’t worry about finder dimmer lights to be around. That’s living an illusion, having a self image based on smoke and mirrors. Instead, get to know yourself as a reflection and creation of the Divine. Ralph Waldo Trine wrote that as we open ourselves to God, we reveal our God-like powers. These powers are without limits, so the only limits we have are the ones we place on ourselves. Ron Fox expounds on this, saying that as we come to know ourselves, the more powerful we become.

So ladies, be your best and let your lights shine! Gentlemen, take the time and have the courage to know yourself better. Discover how magnificent you really are. Then you’ll be able to find true emotional intimacy with your partner. Remember, if you want to sleep with her, don’t compete with her!

Gentlemen, You Are Magnificent!

Gentlemen, you are magnificent! My question for you is “when are you going to know it?” I’ve been around men all my life. I have three brothers (no sisters), lots of male cousins, two stepsons, and several close male friends. I’ve also worked in male dominated industries, so I know men are magnificent.

Sadly, I found when I was dating that many men didn’t know their truth. One man in particular, “Bill,” really stands out. We met at a singles event and I was quite smitten with him, to use an old fashioned word. He was attractive, had a good job and education, and described having strong relationships with his parents and two sons. He’d put himself through college, and although it took seven years, he had no debt when he graduated – quite an accomplishment. So while he had a lot to offer, he didn’t have it together.

My first clue came when I gave Bill my card so he could call me, and he noticed MBA after my name. I saw his confidence level drop as he commented on it. He still called me and we did go out – once. Turns out he’d been dating for three years and in all that time never saw anyone more than once. The date was like an interview, which wouldn’t have bothered me (being an HR person), except that he was comparing himself to me the entire time. Bill quizzed me on fitness level and athletic ability, job title, and skills, such as public speaking. While I liked everything he said about himself, by the end of the date he seemed dejected and walked several paces ahead of me as we went to his car. When we got to my house, he never turned off the motor or took off his seat belt, sending a clear message that there would be no second date.

It took a couple of days for me to figure out what had happened. Bill was caught in a vicious cycle of looking for someone good enough to be proud to be with, but not so good that she outshone him. You see we’re like moths and are drawn to the light. So, many men are attracted to bright, confident women. They want to get closer and as they do, her light seems to be too bright. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, so they back off. They have no idea that they can increase the intensity of their own lights, rather than search endlessly for someone whose light is just bright enough, as Bill has done. More on that next time…

A Variation of the Sane Sex Model

Being an Arizona resident, I visited Biosphere 2 on Memorial Day. You may recall that eight people spent two years sequestered in there twenty years ago. I was so intrigued after seeing the space that I bought Jane Poynter’s account of her experience, The Human Experiment: Two Years and Twenty Minutes Inside Biosphere 2. Jane’s story includes an explanation of how she came to meet and fall in love with her husband, Taber, a perfect illustration of a variation of the sane sex model.

Sane sex most often begins with attraction between two people, who develop emotional intimacy, and only then become physically intimate. A less common, but no less valid progression is to begin as good friends, as Jane and Taber did, developing emotional intimacy first. They endured many challenges and hardships together as they trained to enter Biosphere 2 and became quite close platonically. One evening, after knowing each other for years, they began to see each other differently, and a strong attraction developed. Similar to the typical sex sane model, combining emotional intimacy with attraction results in physical intimacy.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this: becoming good friends with someone (who could be a potential lover), without being attracted to them, only later to find those feelings emerge. It really doesn’t matter what comes first, attraction or emotional closeness, the end result is still meaningful and wonderful. Sane sex is always safe and typically takes place in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship, so how could it be anything less than wonderful?

Are People Having Insane Sex?

I recently had an interviewer ask me if I thought people were having insane sex, since the title of my book is Sane Sex for Singles. In a sense, I think many are. With most superficial sex, people engage in the most physically intimate behavior they can with someone they barely know. They are not intimate with them in any other sense - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually or financially - yet they intimately share their most precious possession with this person. Doesn’t that seem a little crazy to you?

Why do some people treat their bodies so casually? Why do people smoke? Why do they ignore the many signals their bodies send, such as stop eating, get moving, rest, get some sleep, or don’t drink any more? How is it that people disregard their physician’s advice to lose weight, eat differently, exercise, take their prescribed medicine, quit smoking, or get their routine screening exams?

I think it’s because so many of us take our bodies for granted. We’ve always had them and literally cannot imagine life without them. Our bodies do so much on their own to maintain functional health that it appears we don’t need to make any effort. Our bodies really are amazing. Despite our minimal attention, they continue to function with few signs of distress.

One of the definitions of “insane” is “showing a complete lack of reason or foresight.” When I consider the high price people pay when having superficial sex, it can fit the definition of insane. Often times superficial sex is also unsafe, putting both parties at risk for incurable, life-long STDs, even HIV. Even if it is safe, the emotional risks are very high. As human beings, we are systems, a combination of related parts organized into a complex whole. In other words, one aspect of us, such as physical/sexual, effects every other aspect of us, such as emotional or spiritual. So when the various elements are out of alignment, the imbalance manifests in unpleasant ways. Being physically intimate with someone we are not intimate with in other way represents such an imbalance. Since this result is completely avoidable, I think it’s a bit insane – and sad.