Many dating stories never made it to my book. One worth telling is the first date I’d had in twenty years. I’d always heard that I could meet “the one” anywhere, so when I met Jim at the public library, I wasn’t too surprised. I was working on a project and he was at a nearby table tutoring a student in math. Having a BS degree in math, this caught my attention. I caught Jim’s eye, too, because I spotted him looking at me several times. Eventually his student left, and he approached me and started a conversation. After a few minutes, we agreed to meet at the diner across the street for an iced tea. When we had been chatting for about an hour, I agreed to go out with him. He seemed a nice enough guy, and I was eager to start dating again.
Jim had a disability and walked with a pretty severe limp. This somehow made me feel safe, so I agreed to have him pick me up at my home. (I didn’t do this again. Although I was perfectly safe, I realized afterward this was not a good idea with someone I barely knew.) Jim called me the day of our date to find out what kind of music I liked, so he could have it in the car. Although we confirmed the time, he was over a half hour late when he called me again. He was lost (we lived about two miles from each other), having read “avenue” instead of “street” in my address. He didn’t call earlier because he didn’t own a cell phone, being “just a poor teacher,” so he had to go home to call me. This was 2007 and every adult I knew had a cell phone. When he finally arrived, the front of his shirt was totally stained. It was summer, so I knew he hadn’t come directly from work. How odd that he would fuss about the music in his car, but didn’t get my address straight or come in clean clothes. The date went downhill from here, including a number of irritating discoveries, such as his not liking any vegetables except corn. I knew this would be our first and last date.
In hindsight, I recognized that I’d overlooked several things, right from the start. His behavior said “desperate,” he was oblivious to my reactions to him, and he had a “poor me” approach to life, which I’ll tell you about next time. Thankfully, I learned from this experience and can laugh about it now.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Honesty vs. Openness – Part Two
Last time I looked honesty, or truthfulness, vs. openness, being revealing, and acknowledged that while honesty is not optional, openness really needs to be. Openness is something to be conscious of as your relationship progresses. Since a failure to be open means something is not being said, it can be easy to overlook. We have to be aware of what’s not said, whereas usually we’re focusing on what is said. I remember dating someone years ago who never told me where he lived. I knew he lived in a city thirty miles away from where I lived and we both worked, and I assumed he had his own apartment. Because we lived so far apart, he’d pick me up and take me out, and we’d always go back to my apartment. Eventually I found out that he lived with his parents, something he did not want me to know. It turned out he’d failed to tell me quite a few things, and the relationship ended very painfully for me.
While honesty is something we all must strive for all the time, it’s openness that we can and should at times withhold. Just how revealing do you want to be? How revealing should you be? “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” This is sound advice from George Washington; start small and build from there. Avoid sharing at a level deeper than your partner shares. This is not to play games, but rather to maintain balance in the relationship. Your degree of disclosure should be in line with your comfort level with the other person, as well as with his or her openness with you.
While this sounds good in theory, what if you’re asked a question you don’t want to answer? I’ve said dishonesty is not an option. So what’s a polite way to not be open? I now offer my mother’s advice. She told me that whenever anyone asked me something I didn’t want to answer, I should simply respond with, “I really couldn’t say.” Try it out; I’ve found it to be very effective!
One thing to remember when going through all these steps is to stay alert and clear-headed. Often alcohol is part of our social and dating experience, but drinking can impair judgment. I made it a practice when dating to have one glass of wine, and then switch to juice or water. This enabled me to maintain my sense of judgment and ability to observe carefully, both of which are needed to discern accurately, determine trustworthiness, and decide how self-disclosing to be.
While honesty is something we all must strive for all the time, it’s openness that we can and should at times withhold. Just how revealing do you want to be? How revealing should you be? “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” This is sound advice from George Washington; start small and build from there. Avoid sharing at a level deeper than your partner shares. This is not to play games, but rather to maintain balance in the relationship. Your degree of disclosure should be in line with your comfort level with the other person, as well as with his or her openness with you.
While this sounds good in theory, what if you’re asked a question you don’t want to answer? I’ve said dishonesty is not an option. So what’s a polite way to not be open? I now offer my mother’s advice. She told me that whenever anyone asked me something I didn’t want to answer, I should simply respond with, “I really couldn’t say.” Try it out; I’ve found it to be very effective!
One thing to remember when going through all these steps is to stay alert and clear-headed. Often alcohol is part of our social and dating experience, but drinking can impair judgment. I made it a practice when dating to have one glass of wine, and then switch to juice or water. This enabled me to maintain my sense of judgment and ability to observe carefully, both of which are needed to discern accurately, determine trustworthiness, and decide how self-disclosing to be.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Honesty vs. Openness – Part One
Sane sex, as I’ve said before, happens when put emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. One way to enhance emotional intimacy is through appropriate self disclosure. Opening ourselves up means assuming a certain level of risk. You’ll want to balance your hesitancy to assume risk with the need to be vulnerable to achieve the close, intimate relationship you desire.
Self-disclosure that leads to emotional intimacy involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand the difference between these two concepts. Self-disclosure is meaningless if it is not honest. What we say must be true and accurate, as we understand it. To have someone want to share deeply with us, we need to be trustworthy, so honesty is not optional.
But a true statement is not necessarily an open one. I once dated a man in his forties who had never been married. In fact, he’d never had a relationship with a woman that lasted more than seven months. I know this because he told me. He could have just stated that he’d never been married, and that would have been honest. If he had not told me about his relationships never lasting more than seven months, it would not have been dishonest, but it also would not have been open. Honesty is about being truthful, where openness is about being revealing.
Be careful not to assume either of these in your partner. I’m dismayed to find how frequently characters on television lie to one another. I can recall a popular family drama about a minister and his family where even the minister lies to his loved ones! Still more common is the deception portrayed among dating singles in the movies and on television. Lying seems to be almost expected on some level.
So just how open should you be and what can you do to minimize your risk of getting hurt? We’ll look at that next time.
Self-disclosure that leads to emotional intimacy involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand the difference between these two concepts. Self-disclosure is meaningless if it is not honest. What we say must be true and accurate, as we understand it. To have someone want to share deeply with us, we need to be trustworthy, so honesty is not optional.
But a true statement is not necessarily an open one. I once dated a man in his forties who had never been married. In fact, he’d never had a relationship with a woman that lasted more than seven months. I know this because he told me. He could have just stated that he’d never been married, and that would have been honest. If he had not told me about his relationships never lasting more than seven months, it would not have been dishonest, but it also would not have been open. Honesty is about being truthful, where openness is about being revealing.
Be careful not to assume either of these in your partner. I’m dismayed to find how frequently characters on television lie to one another. I can recall a popular family drama about a minister and his family where even the minister lies to his loved ones! Still more common is the deception portrayed among dating singles in the movies and on television. Lying seems to be almost expected on some level.
So just how open should you be and what can you do to minimize your risk of getting hurt? We’ll look at that next time.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Superficial Sex Didn’t Work for Frasier
Have you noticed how common superficial sex, my term for casual sex, is on television today? Just two nights ago I watched a rerun of Frasier where our leading man engaged in sex with a woman he’d gone to high school with and hadn’t seen in years. He had always admired her from a distance but didn’t have a chance with her in those days. Now, as an adult, he had the opportunity to have her at last!
Unfortunately, the morning after she turned out to be nothing like she had presented herself to be or he had imagined. She was loud, rude, and inconsiderate. It went downhill from there, and I was happy to hear him acknowledge his mistake. Putting physical intimacy ahead rarely works, for many reasons. This episode illustrates a common occurrence in dating: people often are not what they seem to be at first. I found this to be true numerous times as I was dating. It may be that they are intentionally presenting themselves to be something they’re not, so we’ll like them. This kind of manipulation does happen.
Often times, though, it’s a case of people putting their best foot forward, as we do on job interviews. They’re especially aware of their appearance, behaviors and reactions, being careful to filter out anything they don’t want seen too early or they think we won’t like. They may be more charming, patient, or understanding than usual, for instance. I think this is natural under these circumstances, and I’m sure I do it myself. So rather than resist it, why not recognize that it might be happening and take your time. Allow the relationship time to develop and for you both to relax enough to be yourselves. Mature people are realistic and don’t expect others to be perfect, and eventually we all have to let our guards down. Emotional intimacy cannot develop until these things happen, and sane sex always puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. Too bad Frasier wasn’t practicing sane sex!
Unfortunately, the morning after she turned out to be nothing like she had presented herself to be or he had imagined. She was loud, rude, and inconsiderate. It went downhill from there, and I was happy to hear him acknowledge his mistake. Putting physical intimacy ahead rarely works, for many reasons. This episode illustrates a common occurrence in dating: people often are not what they seem to be at first. I found this to be true numerous times as I was dating. It may be that they are intentionally presenting themselves to be something they’re not, so we’ll like them. This kind of manipulation does happen.
Often times, though, it’s a case of people putting their best foot forward, as we do on job interviews. They’re especially aware of their appearance, behaviors and reactions, being careful to filter out anything they don’t want seen too early or they think we won’t like. They may be more charming, patient, or understanding than usual, for instance. I think this is natural under these circumstances, and I’m sure I do it myself. So rather than resist it, why not recognize that it might be happening and take your time. Allow the relationship time to develop and for you both to relax enough to be yourselves. Mature people are realistic and don’t expect others to be perfect, and eventually we all have to let our guards down. Emotional intimacy cannot develop until these things happen, and sane sex always puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. Too bad Frasier wasn’t practicing sane sex!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Watch Out for Relationship Traps
What is a relationship trap? It’s a relationship you stay in despite the warning signs. It’s one where you know (or eventually figure out) that he or she is not for you. Some of the typical warning signs include: his working excessive overtime or spending too much time at the office, her being vague about where she’s been or will be, his or her dependence on alcohol or drugs, his asking you for money, her lack of boundaries with her family, his siding the with guys over you, her blaming everyone but herself for her problems, and his being threatened by your other relationships.
People who fall into relationship traps frequently acknowledge afterward that there were warning signs, but they overlooked them. We do this for many reasons. We may want to be in a relationship so badly, we refuse to see the signs that this one is not working. We may be enamored with some aspect of the other person, such as how we feel in his presence or the way she praises us. The individual may have something we feel we need, such as a large bank account or stable family. It might simply be because it’s easier than starting over.
If you’ve find yourself relating to these scenarios, I highly recommend Marilyn Frazer’s book, The Relationship Trap
. In it she tells the story of fourteen women who ignored the signs that he wasn’t right for her. It’s a great resource for someone who is inexperienced, hasn’t dated in years, or has been caught in more than one relationship trap. I wholeheartedly agree with Marilyn’s advice: go in with your eyes open and trust your intuition.
People who fall into relationship traps frequently acknowledge afterward that there were warning signs, but they overlooked them. We do this for many reasons. We may want to be in a relationship so badly, we refuse to see the signs that this one is not working. We may be enamored with some aspect of the other person, such as how we feel in his presence or the way she praises us. The individual may have something we feel we need, such as a large bank account or stable family. It might simply be because it’s easier than starting over.
If you’ve find yourself relating to these scenarios, I highly recommend Marilyn Frazer’s book, The Relationship Trap
. In it she tells the story of fourteen women who ignored the signs that he wasn’t right for her. It’s a great resource for someone who is inexperienced, hasn’t dated in years, or has been caught in more than one relationship trap. I wholeheartedly agree with Marilyn’s advice: go in with your eyes open and trust your intuition.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part Two
We looked last time at the risks of comparing ourselves to the people we go out with, hoping to outshine them in some way to feel good about ourselves. This practice is problematic on many levels. For one thing, people are incredibly gifted, so you’ll be hard pressed to find someone you can be superior to in every significant way. Even intelligence manifests in many forms. My mother was better with words than my father, but Dad’s skill at card playing exceeded hers. So it’s likely that you’ll fail with this approach, as did the man I told you about last time, looking three years in vain for a woman he could be better than.
We also risk looking foolish. I recall the bowl-a-thon that was a combination singles event and fund raiser. There were two women on each lane, and pairs of men would rotate through, changing lanes with each game while the women stayed in place. We were not considered “teams” as this was a singles event, not a competition.
I hadn’t bowled in years, so it took me a while to remember there were arrows painted on the lane to use as a guide. By the second game, I remembered this and also got lucky, scoring 167. Unfortunately, the scores were automatically tallied and projected overhead for all to view. I could see the two men from the next lane watching the board. When the game ended, they did not come rotate to our lane as planned. Eventually, the event coordinators made them move, and each one commented to me about my score. One in particular, George, made quite a point of it.
By the third frame of the game, the woman paired with me, Karen, and I had all marks (strikes or spares) and were ahead of the men. I watched George look at the score board and prepare to bowl his next frame. He randomly picked up a ball from the rack that happened to be Karen’s personal ball. (The rest of us were using alley balls. Bowling with someone’s personal ball is not done because it’s been specially drilled for that individual.) He approached the alley, turning his back to the pins. He heaved the ball between his legs and laughed out loud. The ball went in the gutter. Just then, Karen realized he had used her ball. She jumped up and retrieved it as it came up the ball return. Examining the ball, she found a chip and expressed her anger to me. Being about 20 years younger than George and I, she had no idea why he would behave in such a childish manner. I pointed out the disparity between our scores and the men’s and that by throwing away the frame, George had thrown the game, preventing him from losing to the women.
The fact that I recognized what was happening did not make it any easier for me. I came home and told my daughters I was swearing off men! In time I remembered that there are many wonderful, confident men in the world – and I only needed to meet one. Sadly George looked to external things, such as how he bowled compared to women, to feel good about himself. I hope he’s realized his truth by now and knows that it doesn’t really matter how he bowls.
Each of us is a person of worth, made in the image and likeness of God, pure perfection. We have no need to be better than anyone. If you want your light to shine brighter, focus on being your very best, the highest expression of the infinite that you can.
We also risk looking foolish. I recall the bowl-a-thon that was a combination singles event and fund raiser. There were two women on each lane, and pairs of men would rotate through, changing lanes with each game while the women stayed in place. We were not considered “teams” as this was a singles event, not a competition.
I hadn’t bowled in years, so it took me a while to remember there were arrows painted on the lane to use as a guide. By the second game, I remembered this and also got lucky, scoring 167. Unfortunately, the scores were automatically tallied and projected overhead for all to view. I could see the two men from the next lane watching the board. When the game ended, they did not come rotate to our lane as planned. Eventually, the event coordinators made them move, and each one commented to me about my score. One in particular, George, made quite a point of it.
By the third frame of the game, the woman paired with me, Karen, and I had all marks (strikes or spares) and were ahead of the men. I watched George look at the score board and prepare to bowl his next frame. He randomly picked up a ball from the rack that happened to be Karen’s personal ball. (The rest of us were using alley balls. Bowling with someone’s personal ball is not done because it’s been specially drilled for that individual.) He approached the alley, turning his back to the pins. He heaved the ball between his legs and laughed out loud. The ball went in the gutter. Just then, Karen realized he had used her ball. She jumped up and retrieved it as it came up the ball return. Examining the ball, she found a chip and expressed her anger to me. Being about 20 years younger than George and I, she had no idea why he would behave in such a childish manner. I pointed out the disparity between our scores and the men’s and that by throwing away the frame, George had thrown the game, preventing him from losing to the women.
The fact that I recognized what was happening did not make it any easier for me. I came home and told my daughters I was swearing off men! In time I remembered that there are many wonderful, confident men in the world – and I only needed to meet one. Sadly George looked to external things, such as how he bowled compared to women, to feel good about himself. I hope he’s realized his truth by now and knows that it doesn’t really matter how he bowls.
Each of us is a person of worth, made in the image and likeness of God, pure perfection. We have no need to be better than anyone. If you want your light to shine brighter, focus on being your very best, the highest expression of the infinite that you can.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part One
It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves. I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office. What a high it was being around him!
Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that I was a Director or that I owned my own business. He’d want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed threw him! In extreme cases, it seemed that he felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove. If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, the relationship was over.
One man in particular stands out. Our entire first date was an assessment of my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not). He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him. He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through. He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time. Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive. He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him. By the end of our date, he was demoralized. When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine. Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone! It’s not too surprising, given his frame of mind. Odds are, there was nothing wrong with these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.
It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others, rather than as ourselves. He was looking for someone who didn’t outshine him. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. His partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract him in the first place. Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make him feel good. But if the light was too bright, it could outshine him. This is just an illusion though. His light is his light. It only appears brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that not only is his self esteem not based in reality, it also varies based on who he’s with.
Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.
Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that I was a Director or that I owned my own business. He’d want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed threw him! In extreme cases, it seemed that he felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove. If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, the relationship was over.
One man in particular stands out. Our entire first date was an assessment of my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not). He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him. He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through. He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time. Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive. He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him. By the end of our date, he was demoralized. When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine. Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone! It’s not too surprising, given his frame of mind. Odds are, there was nothing wrong with these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.
It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others, rather than as ourselves. He was looking for someone who didn’t outshine him. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. His partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract him in the first place. Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make him feel good. But if the light was too bright, it could outshine him. This is just an illusion though. His light is his light. It only appears brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that not only is his self esteem not based in reality, it also varies based on who he’s with.
Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.
Friday, June 4, 2010
How Comfortable Are You on a First Date?
Many people find first dates nerve-wracking. For me, as a former human resources professional, I was pretty comfortable most of the time because I found them similar to a job interview. Each party is dressed well and on his or her best behavior, carefully monitoring what was said and what impressions were being made. Often, they ask each other questions, very much like an interview, except the questions could be more personal. Where are you from? How long were you married? How often do you see your children? Each side is gathering information, trying to decide if he or she wants to continue the process.
If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list):
• Carefully consider where you go. A coffee date is usually short, happens in a very public place, and allows you (forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time. A movie date is longer; prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer; and takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public. Having a drink where a band is playing is a good compromise, provided you can hear yourselves over the music when you want to.
• Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.
• Be very aware of how much you drink. Stay in control of yourself and make sure you can safely drive home.
• If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.
• Be comfortable and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.
• Avoid going straight from work. Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, having fun frame of mind.
• Tell a friend where and when you’re going.
• Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date. Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss. Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought. It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it. (I reserve this less than honest approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when was the last time I’d had sex!)
The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on it. My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not. I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be. First dates are the same way. People are often not the way they first seem, so you really don’t know if this is the chance of a lifetime. Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.
If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list):
• Carefully consider where you go. A coffee date is usually short, happens in a very public place, and allows you (forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time. A movie date is longer; prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer; and takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public. Having a drink where a band is playing is a good compromise, provided you can hear yourselves over the music when you want to.
• Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.
• Be very aware of how much you drink. Stay in control of yourself and make sure you can safely drive home.
• If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.
• Be comfortable and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.
• Avoid going straight from work. Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, having fun frame of mind.
• Tell a friend where and when you’re going.
• Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date. Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss. Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought. It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it. (I reserve this less than honest approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when was the last time I’d had sex!)
The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on it. My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not. I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be. First dates are the same way. People are often not the way they first seem, so you really don’t know if this is the chance of a lifetime. Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Your Body is a Temple
Perhaps you’ve heard it said that your body is God’s temple, so you should treat it with respect and care for it. I don’t disagree with this viewpoint; I just don’t find it very motivating when I need to make a change about how I treat my body. After all, there are approximately 6,697,254,000 people (a 2008 estimate from World Bank) in the world today, so what’s one more or less to God?
I do find it compelling to consider, however, that my body is my temple – and I only have one. When this one dies, the game is over. Have you ever thought that there is nothing you can accomplish, no goal you can have on this earth that doesn’t require your body. Even thinking, writing, and praying all require your mind. And you cannot escape from your body; it goes everywhere you do.
With sane sex, your body is treasured and treated like the temple it is. Think about your most treasured possessions. Do you share them with just anyone? Yet most of them are probably able to be replaced. Not so with your body, so take care with it! As I’ve pointed out before, sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. Don’t you want to share your temple with someone who will treat it with the reverence and awe that you do? (I hope you do treat it that way!) Being well sexually and committing to nothing less than sane sex are truly powerful ways to honor your body temple.
I do find it compelling to consider, however, that my body is my temple – and I only have one. When this one dies, the game is over. Have you ever thought that there is nothing you can accomplish, no goal you can have on this earth that doesn’t require your body. Even thinking, writing, and praying all require your mind. And you cannot escape from your body; it goes everywhere you do.
With sane sex, your body is treasured and treated like the temple it is. Think about your most treasured possessions. Do you share them with just anyone? Yet most of them are probably able to be replaced. Not so with your body, so take care with it! As I’ve pointed out before, sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. Don’t you want to share your temple with someone who will treat it with the reverence and awe that you do? (I hope you do treat it that way!) Being well sexually and committing to nothing less than sane sex are truly powerful ways to honor your body temple.
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