Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part One

It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves. I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office. What a high it was being around him!

Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that I was a Director or that I owned my own business. He’d want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed threw him! In extreme cases, it seemed that he felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove. If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, the relationship was over.

One man in particular stands out. Our entire first date was an assessment of my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not). He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him. He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through. He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time. Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive. He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him. By the end of our date, he was demoralized. When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine. Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone! It’s not too surprising, given his frame of mind. Odds are, there was nothing wrong with these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others, rather than as ourselves. He was looking for someone who didn’t outshine him. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. His partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract him in the first place. Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make him feel good. But if the light was too bright, it could outshine him. This is just an illusion though. His light is his light. It only appears brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that not only is his self esteem not based in reality, it also varies based on who he’s with.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.