Honesty vs. Openness – Part Two

Last time I looked honesty, or truthfulness, vs. openness, being revealing, and acknowledged that while honesty is not optional, openness really needs to be. Openness is something to be conscious of as your relationship progresses. Since a failure to be open means something is not being said, it can be easy to overlook. We have to be aware of what’s not said, whereas usually we’re focusing on what is said. I remember dating someone years ago who never told me where he lived. I knew he lived in a city thirty miles away from where I lived and we both worked, and I assumed he had his own apartment. Because we lived so far apart, he’d pick me up and take me out, and we’d always go back to my apartment. Eventually I found out that he lived with his parents, something he did not want me to know. It turned out he’d failed to tell me quite a few things, and the relationship ended very painfully for me.

While honesty is something we all must strive for all the time, it’s openness that we can and should at times withhold. Just how revealing do you want to be? How revealing should you be? “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” This is sound advice from George Washington; start small and build from there. Avoid sharing at a level deeper than your partner shares. This is not to play games, but rather to maintain balance in the relationship. Your degree of disclosure should be in line with your comfort level with the other person, as well as with his or her openness with you.

While this sounds good in theory, what if you’re asked a question you don’t want to answer? I’ve said dishonesty is not an option. So what’s a polite way to not be open? I now offer my mother’s advice. She told me that whenever anyone asked me something I didn’t want to answer, I should simply respond with, “I really couldn’t say.” Try it out; I’ve found it to be very effective!

One thing to remember when going through all these steps is to stay alert and clear-headed. Often alcohol is part of our social and dating experience, but drinking can impair judgment. I made it a practice when dating to have one glass of wine, and then switch to juice or water. This enabled me to maintain my sense of judgment and ability to observe carefully, both of which are needed to discern accurately, determine trustworthiness, and decide how self-disclosing to be.