Superficial Sex Didn’t Work for Frasier

Have you noticed how common superficial sex, my term for casual sex, is on television today? Just two nights ago I watched a rerun of Frasier where our leading man engaged in sex with a woman he’d gone to high school with and hadn’t seen in years. He had always admired her from a distance but didn’t have a chance with her in those days. Now, as an adult, he had the opportunity to have her at last!

Unfortunately, the morning after she turned out to be nothing like she had presented herself to be or he had imagined. She was loud, rude, and inconsiderate. It went downhill from there, and I was happy to hear him acknowledge his mistake. Putting physical intimacy ahead rarely works, for many reasons. This episode illustrates a common occurrence in dating: people often are not what they seem to be at first. I found this to be true numerous times as I was dating. It may be that they are intentionally presenting themselves to be something they’re not, so we’ll like them. This kind of manipulation does happen.

Often times, though, it’s a case of people putting their best foot forward, as we do on job interviews. They’re especially aware of their appearance, behaviors and reactions, being careful to filter out anything they don’t want seen too early or they think we won’t like. They may be more charming, patient, or understanding than usual, for instance. I think this is natural under these circumstances, and I’m sure I do it myself. So rather than resist it, why not recognize that it might be happening and take your time. Allow the relationship time to develop and for you both to relax enough to be yourselves. Mature people are realistic and don’t expect others to be perfect, and eventually we all have to let our guards down. Emotional intimacy cannot develop until these things happen, and sane sex always puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. Too bad Frasier wasn’t practicing sane sex!