How Comfortable Are You on a First Date?

Many people find first dates nerve-wracking. For me, as a former human resources professional, I was pretty comfortable most of the time because I found them similar to a job interview. Each party is dressed well and on his or her best behavior, carefully monitoring what was said and what impressions were being made. Often, they ask each other questions, very much like an interview, except the questions could be more personal. Where are you from? How long were you married? How often do you see your children? Each side is gathering information, trying to decide if he or she wants to continue the process.

If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list):

• Carefully consider where you go. A coffee date is usually short, happens in a very public place, and allows you (forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time. A movie date is longer; prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer; and takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public. Having a drink where a band is playing is a good compromise, provided you can hear yourselves over the music when you want to.
• Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.
• Be very aware of how much you drink. Stay in control of yourself and make sure you can safely drive home.
• If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.
• Be comfortable and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.
• Avoid going straight from work. Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, having fun frame of mind.
• Tell a friend where and when you’re going.
• Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date. Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss. Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought. It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it. (I reserve this less than honest approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when was the last time I’d had sex!)

The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on it. My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not. I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be. First dates are the same way. People are often not the way they first seem, so you really don’t know if this is the chance of a lifetime. Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.