Have you ever thought of singles who date as salespeople? We are all salespeople really. We’re always selling something – our ideas, proposals, suggestions, invitations, apologies, and excuses. So single people are always selling, too. They sell themselves over and over again: asking for a dance, a date, a one-night stand (heaven forbid), a weekend away, an exclusive relationship, or marriage. If you're single, it would behoove you to understand the five steps of the selling process so you can date more successfully and sanely.
A good salesperson begins by learning the prospect’s needs. To do this, singles need to ask good questions, listen, and be aware. Some have a tendency to talk too much, never finding out what they need to about the other person. Others prefer to skip this step and start selling right away. I remember a man I met at a mixer who after two minutes of conversation asked me if I wanted to leave and “go make out” with him! I wish I could tell you this happened decades ago, but no, we were both in our forties. Clearly he had no idea what my needs and interests were – but I got a good idea of what his were!
On the other hand, I recall a gentleman I dated who was particularly good at listening and paying attention. He understood I had a wellness consulting business, and he made note when I told him I was to be interviewed on the radio. He stopped working at just the right time on the afternoon of the interview so he could listen. Later he told me all about it, repeating back what I’d said that he liked. He was clearly listening well, before and during the interview, so he knew what was important to me. This got him started on the second step very effectively: gain the prospect’s confidence. Join me next time for more stories on that.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Emotional Intimacy Summed Up
For weeks I’ve been writing about how to foster emotional intimacy. While there is no set process per se of course, I’ve been describing the actions that make sense to me: know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, strive for safety and trust in the relationship, listen with compassion, demonstrate trustworthiness, always be honest, and know when to be open.
So how do you begin? As you might suspect, I encourage you to read Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles. It’s now available on Kindle and includes these steps in greater detail along with many stories of my own experiences. Make a commitment to have only sane sex and decide what other boundaries might be appropriate for you. For instance, perhaps you’ve become aware of a pattern related to blind spots or weaknesses. Seek the support you need, from your Higher Power, a close friend, or a mentor, someone who will stand with you. Finally, start at the beginning, by spending time with yourself. There is always more to learn about who you are, and being able to truly express your uniqueness is a great signal to the universe that you are ready to meet your partner.
I’d love to hear from you. Let me know how I can support you or what other topics you’d like to see explored here. I’m on the path with you!
So how do you begin? As you might suspect, I encourage you to read Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles. It’s now available on Kindle and includes these steps in greater detail along with many stories of my own experiences. Make a commitment to have only sane sex and decide what other boundaries might be appropriate for you. For instance, perhaps you’ve become aware of a pattern related to blind spots or weaknesses. Seek the support you need, from your Higher Power, a close friend, or a mentor, someone who will stand with you. Finally, start at the beginning, by spending time with yourself. There is always more to learn about who you are, and being able to truly express your uniqueness is a great signal to the universe that you are ready to meet your partner.
I’d love to hear from you. Let me know how I can support you or what other topics you’d like to see explored here. I’m on the path with you!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Honesty and Openness
“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” George Washington
As trust grows in our relationships, so does the potential for emotional intimacy. Self-disclosure is necessary if we are to share with another on a deep level, and it involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand that these are not the same thing. To be honest is to tell the truth. For me, honesty is a requirement in all relationships. Lies and half-truths destroy trust in a fraction of the time it takes to build it. If we don’t know for sure that someone is telling the truth, what’s the point of having the conversation? So honesty is a non-negotiable.
Openness is another matter. We can be honest without being open. For example, let’s say someone I know got a new tattoo. Tattoos are not my favorite; they’re just not my thing. If asked my opinion about the tattoo, I wouldn’t want to hurt the person and say I didn’t like it. What good would that accomplish? I could say that they were right in style, keeping up with the times, or something similar along those lines. That would be honest, yet not really open about my personal feelings.
In our dating relationships, we want to be alert regarding how open we should be. Generally speaking, we should strive to be at the same level of openness as the other person, increasing the degree of intimacy gradually. When one person is an open book and the other very guarded, the relationship is out of balance, a warning sign. This means we need to pay attention not only to our own openness, but to the other person’s, as well. What are they not telling you?
If this issue resonates with you, I invite you to read my book. I’ve learned the hard way over the years and I’d love to save you some of the disappointment I experienced!
Friday, November 4, 2011
More Ways to Demonstrate Trustworthiness
Last time we explored understanding the other person, clarifying our expectations, and keeping commitments as ways to be trustworthy. Let’s finish looking at trustworthiness by considering Covey’s other three practices to strengthen relationships and enhance trust.
Covey’s fourth action is pay attention to the little things. In this case, we may want to stay alert and go out of our way for our partner, noticing what he or she likes and putting the other person’s needs and/or preferences ahead of our own. It might be as simple as knowing how she takes her coffee or that watching Monday night football is a ritual he enjoys. There are several ways we could practice Covey’s fifth action, demonstrate personal integrity. These include being honest, but sensitive, even when the other person may not like what we have to say; honoring any confidences that have been shared; and being gracious when our partner makes a mistake or admits a fault. One way to test your motives in this area is to ask yourself if your words and actions will build up the relationship. Remember that the objective is to be close, not to be right. Finally, when we acknowledge our mistakes first, without waiting to be confronted, and are sincere in expressing our regret, we demonstrate the final action, apologize when you make a mistake. A sincere apology is a simple, yet powerful tool for strengthening relationships!
Our ultimate goal with all of these actions is to create an environment of safety and trust. These are critical components for the final step in achieving emotional intimacy: becoming more intimate. Join me next time as we address the effective use of self-disclosure.
Covey’s fourth action is pay attention to the little things. In this case, we may want to stay alert and go out of our way for our partner, noticing what he or she likes and putting the other person’s needs and/or preferences ahead of our own. It might be as simple as knowing how she takes her coffee or that watching Monday night football is a ritual he enjoys. There are several ways we could practice Covey’s fifth action, demonstrate personal integrity. These include being honest, but sensitive, even when the other person may not like what we have to say; honoring any confidences that have been shared; and being gracious when our partner makes a mistake or admits a fault. One way to test your motives in this area is to ask yourself if your words and actions will build up the relationship. Remember that the objective is to be close, not to be right. Finally, when we acknowledge our mistakes first, without waiting to be confronted, and are sincere in expressing our regret, we demonstrate the final action, apologize when you make a mistake. A sincere apology is a simple, yet powerful tool for strengthening relationships!
Our ultimate goal with all of these actions is to create an environment of safety and trust. These are critical components for the final step in achieving emotional intimacy: becoming more intimate. Join me next time as we address the effective use of self-disclosure.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Being Trustworthy
Recently we’ve been looking at how to encourage emotional intimacy to develop and how trust is a major component. Perhaps the easiest, most effective way to build trust in a relationship is to be trustworthy. Author Stephen Covey’s six actions for strengthening relationships and enhancing trust are a great framework. Let’s look at the first three in the context of a dating relationship and some possible actions we could take that align with our steps for achieving emotional intimacy.
Covey’s first action is to understand the other person. We could strive for this by listening with compassion, withholding judgment, and imagining how the person might be feeling. The use of gentle probing questions can also help us better understand as can restating in our own words what we heard the other person say. His second suggestion, clarify your expectations, can be facilitated by our gaining greater self-knowledge, holding realistic expectations of our partner and our relationship, and being forthcoming about what we need. Let’s avoid assuming people know what we mean or what we need and just simply state these things instead. Keep your commitments is Covey’s third action for strengthening relationships. Here we’ll want to keep our word, be on time, and only make promises we know we can keep. I remember how good Roger was at keeping his commitments. He called when he said he would and he didn’t just talk about things we would do – he arranged for us to do them!
Being trustworthy by actually demonstrating we can be trusted is so much more effective than just verbalizing it. Next week we’ll look at Covey’s final three actions and how they can help us achieve greater emotional intimacy.
Covey’s first action is to understand the other person. We could strive for this by listening with compassion, withholding judgment, and imagining how the person might be feeling. The use of gentle probing questions can also help us better understand as can restating in our own words what we heard the other person say. His second suggestion, clarify your expectations, can be facilitated by our gaining greater self-knowledge, holding realistic expectations of our partner and our relationship, and being forthcoming about what we need. Let’s avoid assuming people know what we mean or what we need and just simply state these things instead. Keep your commitments is Covey’s third action for strengthening relationships. Here we’ll want to keep our word, be on time, and only make promises we know we can keep. I remember how good Roger was at keeping his commitments. He called when he said he would and he didn’t just talk about things we would do – he arranged for us to do them!
Being trustworthy by actually demonstrating we can be trusted is so much more effective than just verbalizing it. Next week we’ll look at Covey’s final three actions and how they can help us achieve greater emotional intimacy.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Compassionate Listening Enhances Trust
Emotional intimacy requires a high level of trust, and trust is established over time. When we have superficial sex, typically early in a relationship, there can be no trust and therefore no real intimacy. When we commit to sane sex, we’re willing to invest the time it takes to build trust, and one practice we can use is compassionate listening.
To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?
Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.
Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.
However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.
To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?
Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.
Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.
However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Safety and Trust Encourages Emotional Intimacy
A definition of intimacy that I offered in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles was “a close relationship rich in familiarity, understanding, and confidence formed in a quiet atmosphere where detailed knowledge and private utterances could be exchanged.” Given this definition, it makes sense that when you’d like to become emotionally intimate with someone, you need to know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, and then create an atmosphere of safety and trust. If you are to exchange “private utterances” with this person, it’s essential that you feel absolutely safe when sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, and emotions.
Picnics, quiet dinners, scenic boat/train rides, and other activities that allow you to talk comfortably are ideal for sharing meaningful conversation, expressing the need for support, and acknowledging concern for each other. Even car rides can be opportunities for dialogue, so keep the radio and DC player off. Movies, concerts, tours, and other similar forms of entertainment are comfortable introductory dates, but they’re not suited for the kind of communication needed to foster intimacy.
As you’re getting to know your partner better, you need to evaluate your own safety and comfort levels. Stay alert both to how your partner responds when make yourself vulnerable and to your own inner guidance. Be careful not to ignore or rationalize any feeling of discomfort you may be having about your own sense of safety and acceptance by the other person. Emotional intimacy with the right person will be comfortable, secure, and fulfilling.
Picnics, quiet dinners, scenic boat/train rides, and other activities that allow you to talk comfortably are ideal for sharing meaningful conversation, expressing the need for support, and acknowledging concern for each other. Even car rides can be opportunities for dialogue, so keep the radio and DC player off. Movies, concerts, tours, and other similar forms of entertainment are comfortable introductory dates, but they’re not suited for the kind of communication needed to foster intimacy.
As you’re getting to know your partner better, you need to evaluate your own safety and comfort levels. Stay alert both to how your partner responds when make yourself vulnerable and to your own inner guidance. Be careful not to ignore or rationalize any feeling of discomfort you may be having about your own sense of safety and acceptance by the other person. Emotional intimacy with the right person will be comfortable, secure, and fulfilling.
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