Being Trustworthy

Recently we’ve been looking at how to encourage emotional intimacy to develop and how trust is a major component. Perhaps the easiest, most effective way to build trust in a relationship is to be trustworthy. Author Stephen Covey’s six actions for strengthening relationships and enhancing trust are a great framework. Let’s look at the first three in the context of a dating relationship and some possible actions we could take that align with our steps for achieving emotional intimacy.

Covey’s first action is to understand the other person. We could strive for this by listening with compassion, withholding judgment, and imagining how the person might be feeling. The use of gentle probing questions can also help us better understand as can restating in our own words what we heard the other person say. His second suggestion, clarify your expectations, can be facilitated by our gaining greater self-knowledge, holding realistic expectations of our partner and our relationship, and being forthcoming about what we need. Let’s avoid assuming people know what we mean or what we need and just simply state these things instead. Keep your commitments is Covey’s third action for strengthening relationships. Here we’ll want to keep our word, be on time, and only make promises we know we can keep. I remember how good Roger was at keeping his commitments. He called when he said he would and he didn’t just talk about things we would do – he arranged for us to do them!

Being trustworthy by actually demonstrating we can be trusted is so much more effective than just verbalizing it. Next week we’ll look at Covey’s final three actions and how they can help us achieve greater emotional intimacy.

Compassionate Listening Enhances Trust

Emotional intimacy requires a high level of trust, and trust is established over time. When we have superficial sex, typically early in a relationship, there can be no trust and therefore no real intimacy. When we commit to sane sex, we’re willing to invest the time it takes to build trust, and one practice we can use is compassionate listening.

To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?

Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.

Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.

However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.

Safety and Trust Encourages Emotional Intimacy

A definition of intimacy that I offered in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles was “a close relationship rich in familiarity, understanding, and confidence formed in a quiet atmosphere where detailed knowledge and private utterances could be exchanged.” Given this definition, it makes sense that when you’d like to become emotionally intimate with someone, you need to know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, and then create an atmosphere of safety and trust. If you are to exchange “private utterances” with this person, it’s essential that you feel absolutely safe when sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, and emotions.

Picnics, quiet dinners, scenic boat/train rides, and other activities that allow you to talk comfortably are ideal for sharing meaningful conversation, expressing the need for support, and acknowledging concern for each other. Even car rides can be opportunities for dialogue, so keep the radio and DC player off. Movies, concerts, tours, and other similar forms of entertainment are comfortable introductory dates, but they’re not suited for the kind of communication needed to foster intimacy.

As you’re getting to know your partner better, you need to evaluate your own safety and comfort levels. Stay alert both to how your partner responds when make yourself vulnerable and to your own inner guidance. Be careful not to ignore or rationalize any feeling of discomfort you may be having about your own sense of safety and acceptance by the other person. Emotional intimacy with the right person will be comfortable, secure, and fulfilling.

Recognizing an Appropriate Partner

Last time I looked at knowing yourself well as the first step to becoming emotionally intimate with another person. Once you’ve made some progress in this area (I’m not sure we can ever know all there is know about ourselves), the next step is to be able to recognize a suitable partner, someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate. To do this, you’ll need to use discernment and have realistic expectations.

There are two traps people fall into at this point: having unrealistic expectations and overlooking red flags. I imagine most of us have known someone who had an unrealistic wish list for their potential partner. A classic example of this is the television character Frasier with his dilemma over whom to date – Fay or Cassandra. Neither woman completely measured up and he just couldn’t get past it. If you’ve been searching for a long time, re-examine your must-haves. A look in the mirror is almost always helpful. After all, you’re the common denominator in every one of those situations where the other person didn’t measure up.

Overlooking red flags is a more common problem, I’ve found. I know I got caught more than once staying a relationship that had no chance of success – and the indicators were there from the start. The longer we’ve been looking, the more likely we are to get impatient and ignore or settle. (And didn’t I just say not to be too particular?) The questions to consider are: 1) Is this someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate? Remember that the “get to know yourself well” step applies to your partner, too, not just you. 2) Is this someone with whom you would like to share yourself on deep level? Are they someone you can trust enough to be honest and open with? Red flags include vague responses to your questions, over-reliance on humor, a history of short-term relationships, and inappropriate reactions when you’ve made yourself vulnerable.

Get a handle on these two pitfalls and you’ll be on your way to recognizing someone you’ll want to spend more time with. At that point, you’ll be ready to create an atmosphere of safety and trust, which we’ll look at next week.

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

As you may know, the sane sex model begins with attraction typically, and only after emotional intimacy is reached does physical intimacy occur. For most people, the attraction part is pretty easy. It’s the emotional intimacy part that’s the rub. Just how does one become emotionally intimate with another?

Emotional intimacy requires sharing ourselves honestly at a deep level. The first step to achieving emotional intimacy with someone is to know yourself and to be comfortable with that sense of self. Concerns about how much or what to share or when to let your guard down are issues to address down the road. We need to begin internally first, with our own inner work. When we don’t take the time for reflection or when we don’t want to face what’s going on with us, it’s impossible to be honest or deep with another person. We may be projecting what we think the world expects, needs, or wants us to be. We may think certain motives are behind our behavior, when in reality it’s fear that underlies our actions.

Our attention is pulled in dozens of directions at a time in the form of advertisements, technology, and the media. We are so wired today that we’re unlikely to find the time to be still and connect with ourselves. We need to make the time. Whether you are seeking that special relationship or want to deepen one you have, I encourage you to spend time not by yourself, but with yourself every day. This time invested will ultimately enable you to achieve emotional intimacy more quickly and easily with the right person.

Sane Sex and Spaghetti

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother said that life was like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get. While I love any reference to chocolate, I like to see life as a bowl of spaghetti, because, like each strand of pasta, everything touches everything else.

This is certainly true when it come to physical health, emotional health, and satisfying sex. Research repeatedly demonstrates the interconnections among the three and suggests that people who have strong, intimate relationships tend to have fewer chronic diseases and live longer. Dr. Julia Heiman, PhD, director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University explains that a satisfying sex life can promote good health, which then can enhance physical health. Orgasms, or even loving touch, can cause the body to release chemicals that reduce pain, enhance immunity, or improve mood well after the initial pleasure has passed.

I occasionally hear statements endorsing a “friends with benefits” arrangement, where although the parties are not in an exclusive, loving relationship, they find the sex enjoyable. While these relationships don’t seem to harm either person, let’s understand that they’re limited. The benefits described above that come from strong, intimate connections are unlikely to result. The idea here is not to make anything right or wrong, but rather to be absolutely clear about what we want and what we’re likely to get given the choices we make.

Is Sane Sex for Teenagers?

Sometimes when people hear about my book they comment that they’d like to give it to a teenager they know. I have mixed feelings about this. Certainly I want teens to know not just about safe sex, but about sane sex, which is more likely to protect them both physically and emotionally. I want them to understand that having sex is a big deal, not appropriate first date behavior or a recreational activity to alleviate boredom. But I have concerns about anyone engaging in behavior that could result in pregnancy when they are not prepared to raise a child. This clearly applies to high school students.

Elizabeth Rice Allgeier, a psychologist and retired professor from Bowling Green University, developed the following questions for teens to consider when contemplating having sex:

- Do you feel guiltless and comfortable about your level of involvement?
- Are you confident that you will not be humiliated and that your reputation will not be hurt?
- Is it true that neither you nor your partner is pressuring the other for sex?
- Will having sex be an expression of your current feelings for the other, rather than an attempt to improve a poor relationship or prove your love?
- Can you discuss and agree upon an effective method of contraception and share the details, responsibilities, and cost of using the method?
- Can you discuss the potential for contracting or transmitting sexually transmitted diseases?
- Have you discussed and agreed on what both of you will do if conception occurs?

I like this list for teens, and I think it has value for adults, too. I would add the following questions:

- Have you agreed to see each other exclusively? (Are you sure you want to have sex if you haven’t?)
- Do you love each other? (Are you really sure you want to have sex if you don’t?)

If you’ve read my book, these last two points shouldn’t be a surprise. Sex is sane when it’s safe and happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship – and that’s my wish for anyone who is sexually active.