Are People Having Insane Sex?

I recently had an interviewer ask me if I thought people were having insane sex, since the title of my book is Sane Sex for Singles. In a sense, I think many are. With most superficial sex, people engage in the most physically intimate behavior they can with someone they barely know. They are not intimate with them in any other sense - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually or financially - yet they intimately share their most precious possession with this person. Doesn’t that seem a little crazy to you?

Why do some people treat their bodies so casually? Why do people smoke? Why do they ignore the many signals their bodies send, such as stop eating, get moving, rest, get some sleep, or don’t drink any more? How is it that people disregard their physician’s advice to lose weight, eat differently, exercise, take their prescribed medicine, quit smoking, or get their routine screening exams?

I think it’s because so many of us take our bodies for granted. We’ve always had them and literally cannot imagine life without them. Our bodies do so much on their own to maintain functional health that it appears we don’t need to make any effort. Our bodies really are amazing. Despite our minimal attention, they continue to function with few signs of distress.

One of the definitions of “insane” is “showing a complete lack of reason or foresight.” When I consider the high price people pay when having superficial sex, it can fit the definition of insane. Often times superficial sex is also unsafe, putting both parties at risk for incurable, life-long STDs, even HIV. Even if it is safe, the emotional risks are very high. As human beings, we are systems, a combination of related parts organized into a complex whole. In other words, one aspect of us, such as physical/sexual, effects every other aspect of us, such as emotional or spiritual. So when the various elements are out of alignment, the imbalance manifests in unpleasant ways. Being physically intimate with someone we are not intimate with in other way represents such an imbalance. Since this result is completely avoidable, I think it’s a bit insane – and sad.

Do an Attitude Check

In October I was asked to be a guest author at a networking event for singles. Barbara Kennedy, author of Baby Boomer Men Looking for Love, and I engaged the singles in a discussion about dating, sex, and the expectations of Baby Boomer men and women. Although I have lots of singles mixer experience, I was taken aback by the conversations that I had with individuals before the discussion and by the group’s responses to Barbara and me.

Before the mixer, I worked the room, approaching groups of men and groups of women – yes, many of them were segregated just like my junior high dances. When I encouraged them, particularly the men, to mingle and approach the other singles, they resisted, saying that there was no one there they wanted to meet. Of course I challenged them on this. How could they tell from across the room that someone was not even worth conversing with? I reminded them that single people know other singles, and maybe networking as a single would be as beneficial for them as it is for business professionals. For the most part, I was not successful. Other than having a couple of them hit on me, I got little response from them. The “oh poor me, here we go again” attitude was prevalent that evening.

I realized that I’d forgotten how negative singles can be. It’s ironic that I’ve forgotten, because the discouragement and apathy I encountered were a large part of my motivation to write my book in the first place. Dating can be so disappointing for people, especially when they allow themselves to be too influenced by the media. Are you letting your past dating experiences to dictate your future ones? My friend, Lynn, used to always tell me it was a numbers game, and I think she’s right. There are wonderful people out there, possibly right in front of you, but you must be open to seeing them. At first glance, Roger was not the man I expected to show up, but he turned out to exceed every expectation I’d had about who the love of my life would be.

Do an attitude check and consciously put all those past negative experiences in the past. Stay centered in today and expect someone terrific to come your way.

Shifting the Focus - It's About You Not Them

When I began dating again in 2005, I was not seeing the kind of men I wanted to. Many were more like boys rather than men: they didn’t keep their word, wouldn’t commit to even a date, wanted easy sex, and sought someone to take care of them and be the grown-up in the relationship. Others felt the need to compete to with me, and when my light appeared brighter than theirs, they opted out.

I eventually learned that the problem wasn’t them; it was me. I had to be the kind of person I wanted to attract, and I had to make room for a man in my life. Once I took others’ advice to claim my beauty and began to see myself as someone a man would be fortunate to be with, I began to draw men who were closer to what I was looking for. Some would say that the quality of man I was attracting was higher, but I hate to frame it that way. We’re all intrinsically of equal value and doing the best we know how to do. Some of us just have a better sense of our own worth.

Single women, if you’re struggling as I was, I encourage you to see your dating experiences from this perspective. It’s pointless to lament that he’s not what you want. If you would know your own truth and value, men who hold the same mindset will be drawn to you – and everything will shift.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part Two

So how do we handle not being called for another date because we weren’t willing to have sex so early in the relationship? Besides keeping the perspective I discussed last time, here are some things that worked for me:

• Continue to be active. Attend concerts, visit museums, get involved with your favorite charity, or join a hiking group.

• Search out new singles venues. Ask your single friends for ideas and give a group you gave up on a while ago another try. People become newly single all the time, so while groups tend to have some long-term regulars, most get new faces all the time.

• Try something you thought you never would, such as speed dating or Internet dating. Just don’t abandon the commitments you’ve made to yourself about the kind of dating experience you want.

• Pay attention to who you spend time with. Avoid single friends who are discouraged or have given up. Seek out your biggest fans and give yourself an ego boost.

• Remember that no sex is better than bad sex. Many of us have been there, so remind yourself of that experience when you get impatient. The solution is not to try what you already know does not work!

• Use others’ success stories to keep hope alive. I describe of my dating experiences and the highlights of my dating relationship with Roger, my husband and the love of my life, in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles.

What ideas do you have? I’d love to hear what has worked for you.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part One

Unfortunately, the prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they will be expected to have sex early in a relationship, even on the first date. This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women and feels unnatural for many people, as it should. This is not because superficial sex is morally wrong, but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment.

Having sex is means making ourselves very vulnerable. When we do this with someone we’ve just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening. Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well. Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.” Sadly, many people don’t stop to consider such things. I found about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third. (I’m sure if I frequented happy hours at singles bars, the percentage would have been higher and there would have been some who would have pushed it up to the first and second dates.)

It’s true that when sex did not happen on the third date, I didn’t hear from them again. While this bothered me at first, I learned to see it for what it was. I remembered Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” I came to realize that often the men dropped out of the game because they didn’t think they’d be successful ultimately. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth their effort, but rather that they weren’t up to feeling like a failure. I discovered that reducing supply really does raise the perceived value, and some of them did not feel that I would see them as valuable enough ultimately!

So how did I cope with having fewer dates than I wanted? We’ll look at that next time.

Is Sane Sex Only For Long Term Relationships?

I get asked this question fairly often: what about people who aren’t seeking marriage or even a long term relationship? Do I think they should be concerned about sane sex? I think sane sex is appealing to all mature people who date. Relationships don’t have to be long to be sane.

Consider the characteristics of sane sex. First of all, it’s always safe, something we absolutely must have as a non-negotiable. Second, it protects us not just physically, but emotionally as well. Superficial sex is risky behavior. When we expose ourselves so intimately to someone we don’t know well enough to trust, it often leads to feelings of low self esteem and low value. We deserve to be honored and treasured in every sexual encounter we have, and that is much more likely with sane sex than with superficial sex. With superficial sex, it’s not unusual for these encounters to be one night stands. While you may not be looking for a long term relationship, were you really hoping for just one encounter?

Sane sex typically happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship. While this sounds like marriage to some people, it does not have to involve a “permanent” commitment or one that spans years. I have had short term (as in months), emotionally intimate relationships with several women friends over the years, and many people have had wonderful summer romances that meet the sane sex parameters.

Finally, I realize that there are people who truly do just want casual sexual encounters. They are not looking for relationships really, just easy, enjoyable sex. For this minority, sane sex will not be an attractive option. Most people grow out of this stage, though, just as college age people grow up and outgrow getting drunk. When they’re ready for it, the sane sex model will still be there as an effective choice for them.

How Long Do I Have to Wait – Part Two

How long does it take to establish the emotional intimacy needed for sane sex? Once you know and are comfortable with yourself, it becomes a matter of finding an appropriate partner to be close to. This person needs to have the same self-knowledge that you’ve acquired, so the person that you get to know is the real thing.

Here’s where you really want to be aware and listen carefully. There are signs when someone is emotionally unavailable or unhealthy. Hopefully your self-exploration revealed any weakness or blind spots you’ve fallen prey to in the past, so you can avoid them now. This is important, because creating emotional intimacy requires trusting the other person and most, if not all of us, have had our trust broken at some time. While this trust building, getting to know you better process takes time, how much depends on who you meet and how much time you spend together. If you’re like me, you'll start down the road many times until you find the right one. We simply cannot force emotional intimacy to happen.

As I stated last time, it does not have to be a long wait. When Roger and I met, we’d both done our inner work. We spent time together that allowed us to talk and really get to know each other. Neither of us was into game playing, and we both wanted a long term, committed relationship. He still says that he knew from the day we met that we were meant to be together. It took me a little bit longer, about a month. Keep in mind that I’d been dating for a year and a half and had done lots of reflecting, praying, exploring, dating, learning, and finally letting go in that time.

If it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a loving relationship, the inclination to rush this process can be intense. I urge you to keep the end in mind, as Steven Covey recommends. It will be worth the time you invest!