Making the Close

We conclude the year with the end of our series on Selling Yourself as a Single – making the close. Good salespeople will tell you that making the sale is often dependent on the strength of the close. The critical points to remember are to be clear, be sincere, and be persistent.

It’s important to be clear about what you’re asking for. Singles often lack confidence and stumble around, afraid to be direct with their invitation. Remember the episode on Fraser where he never made it clear he wanted to share a room with the woman he invited to the cabin for the weekend? It made for great humor, but poor salesmanship!

Sometimes singles don’t know how to handle situations and end up lacking sincerity. Don’t say you’ll call when you won’t. If you make a date, keep it! Bear in mind that while you may not be right for her, you might be perfect for her best friend.

Finally, be persistent (but appropriate). My first boyfriend asked me out three times before I said yes. More recently, if you’ve read my book you may recall that Roger called me the next day after I tried to break it off with him and offered to take me to see Wayne Brady. Being a huge Brady fan, I agreed and that date was the pivot one in our relationship. One note of caution, however: you need to pay attention for when to let it go. Roger had asked me if he could still call me, keeping the door open. As I mentioned last time, identifying the objections will help you know if persistence is called for or if you really should move on.

Single people are salespeople – we all are. Identify someone you know who sells well and do what they do to get that next relationship started.

Learning from Others

Being the third of four children, I realized early on that I could learn a lot by watching my older brothers. Paying attention and learning from others is a great way to accelerate our progress. Single people can benefit from the same practice. When you meet someone in a great relationship, why not ask them how it happened and how they keep it going? If you ever meet my friend, Jay, I encourage you to talk with him, as he is a great example of using all the sales techniques I’ve been describing.

Several years ago, after Jay got divorced, he was drawn to a woman in his apartment complex. She was reserved and quiet, so it took some time for him to get introduced to her. Gradually he started conversing with her at the mailbox, learning more about her, and eventually he asked her out. She turned him down, but he persisted, as effective salespeople do. Finally she told him she would never go out with him. He asked her why (he wanted to determine her objections, another excellent sales technique). She told him: you’re too old, too short, and too white!

Think about these objections; they were things he could not change – his age, his height, and his skin color. But because he had gotten to know her, he knew that these were not the things that mattered the most to her. What she really wanted was someone she could trust and depend upon, someone who would be faithful to her. He continued to talk with her, demonstrating that he possessed these qualities. Ultimately she did go out with him.

This week we received their Christmas card proclaiming this as their seventh Christmas together!

Overcoming Objections

My husband Roger is a terrific role model for using the sales techniques I’ve been writing about. When we started dating, he knew himself and what was most important to him. He took the time to listen to me and learn what my priorities were. Roger met my daughters and father and never balked at the occasions when I was called to give them my time and attention. He noted that I liked Wayne Brady and went out of his way to get us tickets to a supposedly sold-out show, which ended up being a turning point in our relationship.

He was really good at overcoming objections, another critical sales technique. On that pivot Wayne Brady date, Roger gave me his sales pitch, telling me we’d be good together and that life was easier with a partner. He knew that maintaining a home on my own was challenging. He said that although he would retire before I would, he could then help me with my business. Knowing wellness is my passion and that I was concerned about our age difference, he stated that he was in excellent health, got a physical every year, and worked out three times a week. Roger had discovered we had a lot in common, and he persisted with me until I could see it, too.

We can’t overcome objections until we know what they are. Rarely do people tell us early on and specifically what they object to, often because they’re not entirely certain themselves! This is all part of creating emotional intimacy and a lasting relationship, and it takes time and some effort. Next time I’ll tell you about a man who was willing to pay the price and was rewarded for it.

Singles, Why Not Express Rather Than Impress?

One thing most, if not all, singles have experienced is rejection. We’ve been looking at single people as salespeople, because using selling techniques effectively helps us get to “yes” and avoid the painful experience of being rejected. One area where I’ve seen many singles fall short is in recognizing their strengths, what they have to offer to another.

Too often singles get caught up in trying to impress, like our bowler from last time, rather than focusing on the need to express their authentic selves. Each of us has gifts, strengths, talents, passions – things that will naturally draw others to us when they’re made aware of them. Recognizing these (remember that “How Well Do You Know Yourself” piece from a couple of months ago?) and simply expressing them is all it takes. The striving and conniving to look good or worse, outshine the one we’d like to impress, is likely to backfire on us. It’s also a lot of work! You’ll find it works so much better when you feel good about yourself because of who you are, not because you see yourself as superior to another. Capable, confident people are much more attractive than competitive showmen (or women).

What makes this even more powerful is when you’ve discovered what the other person is looking for, because then you can emphasize your most relevant strengths. Good salespeople do this all the time. They listen carefully to find out what the prospect needs and then focus on the features of the product that fill the need. Singles can do the same thing, provided they’re being honest and true to themselves, of course. And if the fit isn’t there, it’s likely to be obvious to both of you, making it easier to more on with grace and ease.

You are an amazing person! Know and express it!

Appearance, Reputation, and Competence Build Confidence

For singles to have the kind of dating experience they’d like, they need to learn to sell themselves successfully. Last time we looked at the first step: learning the other person’s needs by listening and paying attention. From there, singles need to gain the other party’s confidence. The first factor to consider here is appearance. Don’t underestimate the importance of a good haircut (for men and women) and clothes that fit. When in doubt, overdress for the occasion. Gentlemen, this goes for you, too. If she’s in a dress and heals, jeans are not appropriate attire.

Be careful to protect your reputation in the singles community, as it may surprise you how fast word travels, especially now with social media. Even in Phoenix, the sixth largest city in the country, I run into the same people in my business networking circles, just as I did with singles when I was dating.

A great way to build a good reputation for yourself is to project competence. My husband, Roger, understood this well. He was consistent and reliable: he kept his promises and treated my father, my daughters, and me like gold. One of my favorite memories from our dating days was our first Valentine’s Day together, when he drove out to the venue the day before to make sure we’d have a flawless experience – and we did!

Unfortunately, not all my dates had as much sense. I recall a charity bowling event for singles which was set up like a speed date, where the women stayed on the same alley while the men rotated after each game. One man was unnerved by the scores of the women on my lane and refused to rotate to our alley. Eventually he was forced to, and I’ll never forget the sight of him with his back to the pins as he bent forward and heaved the ball between his legs, choosing to throw the game rather than “lose.” Apparently he had no idea what his strengths were and assumed we actually cared how he bowled! This sad display demonstrated anything but competence and prevented him from even attempting the third step in the selling process, sell a solution. More on that next week.

Single People are Salespeople

Have you ever thought of singles who date as salespeople? We are all salespeople really. We’re always selling something – our ideas, proposals, suggestions, invitations, apologies, and excuses. So single people are always selling, too. They sell themselves over and over again: asking for a dance, a date, a one-night stand (heaven forbid), a weekend away, an exclusive relationship, or marriage. If you're single, it would behoove you to understand the five steps of the selling process so you can date more successfully and sanely.

A good salesperson begins by learning the prospect’s needs. To do this, singles need to ask good questions, listen, and be aware. Some have a tendency to talk too much, never finding out what they need to about the other person. Others prefer to skip this step and start selling right away. I remember a man I met at a mixer who after two minutes of conversation asked me if I wanted to leave and “go make out” with him! I wish I could tell you this happened decades ago, but no, we were both in our forties. Clearly he had no idea what my needs and interests were – but I got a good idea of what his were!

On the other hand, I recall a gentleman I dated who was particularly good at listening and paying attention. He understood I had a wellness consulting business, and he made note when I told him I was to be interviewed on the radio. He stopped working at just the right time on the afternoon of the interview so he could listen. Later he told me all about it, repeating back what I’d said that he liked. He was clearly listening well, before and during the interview, so he knew what was important to me. This got him started on the second step very effectively: gain the prospect’s confidence. Join me next time for more stories on that.

Emotional Intimacy Summed Up

For weeks I’ve been writing about how to foster emotional intimacy. While there is no set process per se of course, I’ve been describing the actions that make sense to me: know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, strive for safety and trust in the relationship, listen with compassion, demonstrate trustworthiness, always be honest, and know when to be open.

So how do you begin? As you might suspect, I encourage you to read Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles. It’s now available on Kindle and includes these steps in greater detail along with many stories of my own experiences. Make a commitment to have only sane sex and decide what other boundaries might be appropriate for you. For instance, perhaps you’ve become aware of a pattern related to blind spots or weaknesses. Seek the support you need, from your Higher Power, a close friend, or a mentor, someone who will stand with you. Finally, start at the beginning, by spending time with yourself. There is always more to learn about who you are, and being able to truly express your uniqueness is a great signal to the universe that you are ready to meet your partner.

I’d love to hear from you. Let me know how I can support you or what other topics you’d like to see explored here. I’m on the path with you!

Honesty and Openness

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” George Washington

As trust grows in our relationships, so does the potential for emotional intimacy. Self-disclosure is necessary if we are to share with another on a deep level, and it involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand that these are not the same thing. To be honest is to tell the truth. For me, honesty is a requirement in all relationships. Lies and half-truths destroy trust in a fraction of the time it takes to build it. If we don’t know for sure that someone is telling the truth, what’s the point of having the conversation? So honesty is a non-negotiable.

Openness is another matter. We can be honest without being open. For example, let’s say someone I know got a new tattoo. Tattoos are not my favorite; they’re just not my thing. If asked my opinion about the tattoo, I wouldn’t want to hurt the person and say I didn’t like it. What good would that accomplish? I could say that they were right in style, keeping up with the times, or something similar along those lines. That would be honest, yet not really open about my personal feelings.

In our dating relationships, we want to be alert regarding how open we should be. Generally speaking, we should strive to be at the same level of openness as the other person, increasing the degree of intimacy gradually. When one person is an open book and the other very guarded, the relationship is out of balance, a warning sign. This means we need to pay attention not only to our own openness, but to the other person’s, as well. What are they not telling you?

If this issue resonates with you, I invite you to read my book. I’ve learned the hard way over the years and I’d love to save you some of the disappointment I experienced!

More Ways to Demonstrate Trustworthiness

Last time we explored understanding the other person, clarifying our expectations, and keeping commitments as ways to be trustworthy. Let’s finish looking at trustworthiness by considering Covey’s other three practices to strengthen relationships and enhance trust.

Covey’s fourth action is pay attention to the little things. In this case, we may want to stay alert and go out of our way for our partner, noticing what he or she likes and putting the other person’s needs and/or preferences ahead of our own. It might be as simple as knowing how she takes her coffee or that watching Monday night football is a ritual he enjoys. There are several ways we could practice Covey’s fifth action, demonstrate personal integrity. These include being honest, but sensitive, even when the other person may not like what we have to say; honoring any confidences that have been shared; and being gracious when our partner makes a mistake or admits a fault. One way to test your motives in this area is to ask yourself if your words and actions will build up the relationship. Remember that the objective is to be close, not to be right. Finally, when we acknowledge our mistakes first, without waiting to be confronted, and are sincere in expressing our regret, we demonstrate the final action, apologize when you make a mistake. A sincere apology is a simple, yet powerful tool for strengthening relationships!

Our ultimate goal with all of these actions is to create an environment of safety and trust. These are critical components for the final step in achieving emotional intimacy: becoming more intimate. Join me next time as we address the effective use of self-disclosure.

Being Trustworthy

Recently we’ve been looking at how to encourage emotional intimacy to develop and how trust is a major component. Perhaps the easiest, most effective way to build trust in a relationship is to be trustworthy. Author Stephen Covey’s six actions for strengthening relationships and enhancing trust are a great framework. Let’s look at the first three in the context of a dating relationship and some possible actions we could take that align with our steps for achieving emotional intimacy.

Covey’s first action is to understand the other person. We could strive for this by listening with compassion, withholding judgment, and imagining how the person might be feeling. The use of gentle probing questions can also help us better understand as can restating in our own words what we heard the other person say. His second suggestion, clarify your expectations, can be facilitated by our gaining greater self-knowledge, holding realistic expectations of our partner and our relationship, and being forthcoming about what we need. Let’s avoid assuming people know what we mean or what we need and just simply state these things instead. Keep your commitments is Covey’s third action for strengthening relationships. Here we’ll want to keep our word, be on time, and only make promises we know we can keep. I remember how good Roger was at keeping his commitments. He called when he said he would and he didn’t just talk about things we would do – he arranged for us to do them!

Being trustworthy by actually demonstrating we can be trusted is so much more effective than just verbalizing it. Next week we’ll look at Covey’s final three actions and how they can help us achieve greater emotional intimacy.

Compassionate Listening Enhances Trust

Emotional intimacy requires a high level of trust, and trust is established over time. When we have superficial sex, typically early in a relationship, there can be no trust and therefore no real intimacy. When we commit to sane sex, we’re willing to invest the time it takes to build trust, and one practice we can use is compassionate listening.

To listen with compassion, we need to do our best to be judgment-free and accepting. Strive to listen carefully and patiently for both words and tone to understand what’s really important. If you find it difficult to relate to what the other person is saying, try to imagine what the person might be feeling. Many psychologists and spiritual teachers say every emotion is rooted in either love or fear. Can you listen more deeply for the underlying emotion?

Trust is enhanced, and compassion is easier to accomplish, when we can avoid making assumptions or projecting our values on the other person. People need different kinds of support, and they express their compassion differently. Some may lend a shoulder and offer wonderful emotional support, while others are inclined to be more objective and lend a hand, helping to get things done. The classic advice, “when in doubt ask!” still applies. Ask for what you need, and ask how you can show support.

Humor is a great way to break the tension, but it can be overused to avoid addressing a difficult subject. It can also surface when we’re feeling discomfort over the motions someone is expressing. If it’s your tendency to use humor, be sure to stay alert for your partner’s response. Your attempts at humor could be misunderstood. If your partner’s use of humor upset you, express your feelings gently but openly, remembering that his or her intentions are good. He or she might be genuinely uncomfortable with the level of sharing; this may or may not be something you can overcome.

However your communication develops, be sure to explore what’s happening between you. Compassionate listening and sharing at this level could either enhance your closeness or be an indication that you two may not be able to achieve emotional intimacy.

Safety and Trust Encourages Emotional Intimacy

A definition of intimacy that I offered in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles was “a close relationship rich in familiarity, understanding, and confidence formed in a quiet atmosphere where detailed knowledge and private utterances could be exchanged.” Given this definition, it makes sense that when you’d like to become emotionally intimate with someone, you need to know yourself well, recognize an appropriate partner, and then create an atmosphere of safety and trust. If you are to exchange “private utterances” with this person, it’s essential that you feel absolutely safe when sharing your thoughts, feelings, reactions, and emotions.

Picnics, quiet dinners, scenic boat/train rides, and other activities that allow you to talk comfortably are ideal for sharing meaningful conversation, expressing the need for support, and acknowledging concern for each other. Even car rides can be opportunities for dialogue, so keep the radio and DC player off. Movies, concerts, tours, and other similar forms of entertainment are comfortable introductory dates, but they’re not suited for the kind of communication needed to foster intimacy.

As you’re getting to know your partner better, you need to evaluate your own safety and comfort levels. Stay alert both to how your partner responds when make yourself vulnerable and to your own inner guidance. Be careful not to ignore or rationalize any feeling of discomfort you may be having about your own sense of safety and acceptance by the other person. Emotional intimacy with the right person will be comfortable, secure, and fulfilling.

Recognizing an Appropriate Partner

Last time I looked at knowing yourself well as the first step to becoming emotionally intimate with another person. Once you’ve made some progress in this area (I’m not sure we can ever know all there is know about ourselves), the next step is to be able to recognize a suitable partner, someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate. To do this, you’ll need to use discernment and have realistic expectations.

There are two traps people fall into at this point: having unrealistic expectations and overlooking red flags. I imagine most of us have known someone who had an unrealistic wish list for their potential partner. A classic example of this is the television character Frasier with his dilemma over whom to date – Fay or Cassandra. Neither woman completely measured up and he just couldn’t get past it. If you’ve been searching for a long time, re-examine your must-haves. A look in the mirror is almost always helpful. After all, you’re the common denominator in every one of those situations where the other person didn’t measure up.

Overlooking red flags is a more common problem, I’ve found. I know I got caught more than once staying a relationship that had no chance of success – and the indicators were there from the start. The longer we’ve been looking, the more likely we are to get impatient and ignore or settle. (And didn’t I just say not to be too particular?) The questions to consider are: 1) Is this someone with whom you could be emotionally intimate? Remember that the “get to know yourself well” step applies to your partner, too, not just you. 2) Is this someone with whom you would like to share yourself on deep level? Are they someone you can trust enough to be honest and open with? Red flags include vague responses to your questions, over-reliance on humor, a history of short-term relationships, and inappropriate reactions when you’ve made yourself vulnerable.

Get a handle on these two pitfalls and you’ll be on your way to recognizing someone you’ll want to spend more time with. At that point, you’ll be ready to create an atmosphere of safety and trust, which we’ll look at next week.

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

As you may know, the sane sex model begins with attraction typically, and only after emotional intimacy is reached does physical intimacy occur. For most people, the attraction part is pretty easy. It’s the emotional intimacy part that’s the rub. Just how does one become emotionally intimate with another?

Emotional intimacy requires sharing ourselves honestly at a deep level. The first step to achieving emotional intimacy with someone is to know yourself and to be comfortable with that sense of self. Concerns about how much or what to share or when to let your guard down are issues to address down the road. We need to begin internally first, with our own inner work. When we don’t take the time for reflection or when we don’t want to face what’s going on with us, it’s impossible to be honest or deep with another person. We may be projecting what we think the world expects, needs, or wants us to be. We may think certain motives are behind our behavior, when in reality it’s fear that underlies our actions.

Our attention is pulled in dozens of directions at a time in the form of advertisements, technology, and the media. We are so wired today that we’re unlikely to find the time to be still and connect with ourselves. We need to make the time. Whether you are seeking that special relationship or want to deepen one you have, I encourage you to spend time not by yourself, but with yourself every day. This time invested will ultimately enable you to achieve emotional intimacy more quickly and easily with the right person.

Sane Sex and Spaghetti

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother said that life was like a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get. While I love any reference to chocolate, I like to see life as a bowl of spaghetti, because, like each strand of pasta, everything touches everything else.

This is certainly true when it come to physical health, emotional health, and satisfying sex. Research repeatedly demonstrates the interconnections among the three and suggests that people who have strong, intimate relationships tend to have fewer chronic diseases and live longer. Dr. Julia Heiman, PhD, director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University explains that a satisfying sex life can promote good health, which then can enhance physical health. Orgasms, or even loving touch, can cause the body to release chemicals that reduce pain, enhance immunity, or improve mood well after the initial pleasure has passed.

I occasionally hear statements endorsing a “friends with benefits” arrangement, where although the parties are not in an exclusive, loving relationship, they find the sex enjoyable. While these relationships don’t seem to harm either person, let’s understand that they’re limited. The benefits described above that come from strong, intimate connections are unlikely to result. The idea here is not to make anything right or wrong, but rather to be absolutely clear about what we want and what we’re likely to get given the choices we make.

Is Sane Sex for Teenagers?

Sometimes when people hear about my book they comment that they’d like to give it to a teenager they know. I have mixed feelings about this. Certainly I want teens to know not just about safe sex, but about sane sex, which is more likely to protect them both physically and emotionally. I want them to understand that having sex is a big deal, not appropriate first date behavior or a recreational activity to alleviate boredom. But I have concerns about anyone engaging in behavior that could result in pregnancy when they are not prepared to raise a child. This clearly applies to high school students.

Elizabeth Rice Allgeier, a psychologist and retired professor from Bowling Green University, developed the following questions for teens to consider when contemplating having sex:

- Do you feel guiltless and comfortable about your level of involvement?
- Are you confident that you will not be humiliated and that your reputation will not be hurt?
- Is it true that neither you nor your partner is pressuring the other for sex?
- Will having sex be an expression of your current feelings for the other, rather than an attempt to improve a poor relationship or prove your love?
- Can you discuss and agree upon an effective method of contraception and share the details, responsibilities, and cost of using the method?
- Can you discuss the potential for contracting or transmitting sexually transmitted diseases?
- Have you discussed and agreed on what both of you will do if conception occurs?

I like this list for teens, and I think it has value for adults, too. I would add the following questions:

- Have you agreed to see each other exclusively? (Are you sure you want to have sex if you haven’t?)
- Do you love each other? (Are you really sure you want to have sex if you don’t?)

If you’ve read my book, these last two points shouldn’t be a surprise. Sex is sane when it’s safe and happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship – and that’s my wish for anyone who is sexually active.

Are Your Expectations Getting in the Way?

If you’ve read my book, you know that I used Katherine Woodward Thomas’ wonderful book, Calling in the One, on my journey to meeting the love of my life, Roger. One point Thomas emphasized was not to allow your expectations to cause you to miss an ideal partner. She candidly shared that she had almost made this mistake, so I paid careful attention to her advice – or so I thought.

I must admit that as I was dating, I saw myself with someone who was close to my age or even younger. I’m in excellent health and am frequently told that I don’t look my age, so I thought this made sense. Another factor in my reasoning was that my mother had recently died, and I saw how hard it was for my father to be alone. The last thing I wanted was to be in that position. I met Roger on a Saturday night and went to singles mixer the following Thursday where I met two other men I was interested in getting to know better. (By this time in my process, I was getting much more skilled at calling in suitable potential partners.) Of the three men, Roger was the oldest, and he did not fit my image of being “close to my age or even younger.” Dating three men at once was every bit the challenge one would expect it to be, so I was eager to narrow down my choices. I tried to break it off with Roger, but he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. In the end, I discovered he was right.

Thank heavens, I, like Katherine, got a second chance to get it right. Expectations come in many forms. Be aware of yours, and don’t let them blind you to someone who might just be the love of your life!

Use the Law of Supply and Demand to Your Advantage

If you’ve ever taken Economics, then you’re probably familiar with the law of supply and demand which says when the supply of a product is higher than demand, price is low; when demand is greater than supply, prices go up. We’ve all felt this at the gas pump as oil producing nations cut production to lower supply and our bills at the pump increased.

While high gas prices are unpleasant, the negative effects of this law are even worse when dating. My research demonstrated this law in action repeatedly. Women particularly reported that having many short term, casual encounters left them feeling devalued and unappreciated. They literally felt their value diminish. Value and price represent the same thing, and these women had increased supply, so their perceived value went down. (Their true value as human beings did not, of course, but in the dating arena they were no longer seen as special or unique – think paper clip from last week!)

The solution is to remember that you have tremendous value – and to act like it! You can affect your perceived value by keeping supply low. It’s very empowering really because you are in control of your value. The sane sex model is the perfect framework for this approach. Postponing physical intimacy until after becoming emotionally intimate says to your partner and the world, “I’m worth the wait,” and you are!

Be a Diamond, Not a Paperclip

If given the choice, would you rather be a diamond or a paper clip? This is what I like to ask people when they tell me all the reasons why superficial sex works for them. It’s not a trick question, and once people realize this, they’d rather be the diamond, of course. So would I!

However, with superficial sex, we behave as if we’re paper clips - ordinary, commonplace, everyday items. When we sleep with virtually everyone we go out with, for whatever the reason, we’ve made being intimate with us a common, routine experience. Just as we wouldn’t get excited to find a paperclip on the floor because they’re so common and inexpensive, when we don’t act like the treasure we are, people won’t see us as one either.

A diamond is unique, rare, beautiful and of high value – sounds like a human being, doesn’t it? There’s a diaper commercial being aired lately that describes every baby as a miracle. I was struck today that nothing really changes (or should) as we age. Each person is a miracle, including you! The adjectives I apply to a diamond are relevant to you throughout life, so claim that for yourself. You are a diamond, a treasure!

The Wait Isn’t Easy, But Consider the Alternative

This morning as I was getting ready for my day, I overheard a sitcom that my daughter was watching on television. The female lead was lamenting over the decision she’d made to sleep with a virtual stranger just so she could finally have sex. It had been three years since she’d been with a man. She discovered he wasn’t quite what she thought he was, and now she had to make sure he didn’t expect anything more from her.

Her distress was not just about the position she’d put herself in; it was also that she’d been so intimate with someone she considered a loser. While I hate to see superficial sex portrayed on television, at least it wasn’t glamorized. In fact, this outcome is very much the norm when we aren’t committed to having sane sex.

Although the show as a comedy made light of the leading lady’s feelings, let’s acknowledge that it is difficult to go so long without the warmth and intimacy that meaningful sex offers. I devoted an entire chapter in my book to this subject. I remember being in this character’s position when I was dating and the many times I reached out to my friends for support. I found that as I got clearer about what I brought to a relationship, I started to attract men who were more suitable as partners. While we weren’t having sex, my dating experience was much more enjoyable than it had been. I also found that physical contact is not all or nothing. There are many forms of physical closeness and sexual expression besides having sex.

I encourage you to hang in there if you find yourself tiring of the wait. “No sex” may be tough, but bad sex is worse.

Staying in Alignment

If you’ve ever followed Today’s Dating Model, you probably noticed that something doesn’t feel quite right. You may recall that with Today’s Dating Model people move from attraction to physical intimacy very quickly, without having experienced emotional intimacy. The discomfort that results is from being out of alignment.

We are not just physical or sexual beings. We are also spiritual beings, and we’re complex. Body, mind, and spirit are all interwoven. For instance, we can physically feel our emotions, with a knot in the stomach or tightness in the shoulders. When presented with the chance to do something we find enjoyable, our energy level lifts immediately. We just can’t compartmentalize our bodies from our thoughts or feelings. So when we engage in sex before becoming emotionally intimate with someone, the various types of intimacy are out of alignment. Like the sensation we have when our car is out of alignment, it doesn’t feel comfortable.

With the Sane Sex Model, physical intimacy is postponed until emotional intimacy is created. As we get to know the other person and disclose more of ourselves to create greater emotional intimacy, it’s natural to get physically closer, as well. Keep in mind that there is an array of ways to gradually express greater physical closeness. Just as we wouldn’t divulge our deepest secrets to someone we barely know, it doesn’t make sense to have sex with that person either.

The Sane Sex Model honors your heart and your body. It keeps everything in alignment, making it much more likely to have a fulfilling experience emotionally and physically.

Joanne's Appearance on Lifetime Television's The Balancing Act

What Are Your Blind Spots?

Are you aware of your blind spots? Not sure what I mean by that? A blind spot is an area where we’re not seeing clearly. Because it’s blind to us, we’re unaware of it, at least initially. After we get burned a few times, however, we can start to recognize a pattern and begin to see what we’ve been overlooking.

When I was dating, I noticed I had a blind spot for religious or spiritual men. I was so taken by their spirituality that I failed to see them as men, too, who like the rest of us have their shortcomings. When we have a blind spot toward someone, we tend to give them too much credit; may trust them too soon, before they’ve really earned our trust; and simply will not see them in totality. Common things that may blind us include wealth, job title, education and other credentials, memberships, accomplishments and awards, and relationships – who they know. For instance, we might be blinded by his advanced degree, her knowing a celebrity, or his expensive car. Someone’s ability to do something we find difficult can certainly create a blind spot for us. Keep in mind that blind spots can go the other way, too. We may allow someone’s poor dress, rundown home, or low level job blind us to their wonderful character or loving attitude.

So if we’re blind to them, how do go about recognizing blind spots? One of the best ways I know is to take regular time, daily if you can, to be still and reflect. I enjoy sitting in my backyard early in the morning listening to my fountain and watching the hummingbirds. All kinds of insights come to me during these times. Spend time thinking about the people who surprised you, who turned out to be different than you expected. Journaling about these experiences and reviewing your entries over time will help you catch patterns. The idea here is not to be critical with yourself, but rather to observe your tendencies, assumptions, and thoughts. Over time if you’re honest with yourself and observant, any blind spots you have should become apparent. Congratulate yourself when recognize one because that’s the most important step to overcoming it!

Hey Guys, If You Want to Sleep With Her, Don't Compete With Her

If you’re reading this blog, you know that I advocate sane sex which puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. To become emotionally intimate with someone, we first have to know ourselves. And if we want to have a balanced, healthy relationship, we need to like what we find.

So often I’ve found men looking outside themselves for validation. It seems many men only feel good about themselves if they see themselves as superior to those around them, including the person they’d like to be intimate with. They engage in making comparisons of themselves to their potential partner, evaluating every area that’s important to them – and the list is long! I’ve seen it include income; job title; education; athletic abilities of every kind, such as running, throwing, lifting, aerobic endurance, strength, and yes, bowling; public speaking; writing; reading; and of course, driving. When they perceive that they’re measuring up in these areas, they feel good; when they don’t, they reject the other person.

I’ve seen many women wonder what they’ve done wrong, and I’ve fallen prey to that mistaken thinking, too. For years women have been cautioned not to win or appear too smart, because men’s frail egos couldn’t take it. The well-intentioned advice was to dim our lights, so their lights would appear brighter. The truth is that when women do that, they’re being dishonest and untrue to themselves. This can’t possibly lead to strong, healthy relationships.

What men and women need to understand is that their lights come from within. We all have the same source, being made in the image and likeness of the same Creator. To shine brighter, don’t worry about finder dimmer lights to be around. That’s living an illusion, having a self image based on smoke and mirrors. Instead, get to know yourself as a reflection and creation of the Divine. Ralph Waldo Trine wrote that as we open ourselves to God, we reveal our God-like powers. These powers are without limits, so the only limits we have are the ones we place on ourselves. Ron Fox expounds on this, saying that as we come to know ourselves, the more powerful we become.

So ladies, be your best and let your lights shine! Gentlemen, take the time and have the courage to know yourself better. Discover how magnificent you really are. Then you’ll be able to find true emotional intimacy with your partner. Remember, if you want to sleep with her, don’t compete with her!

Gentlemen, You Are Magnificent!

Gentlemen, you are magnificent! My question for you is “when are you going to know it?” I’ve been around men all my life. I have three brothers (no sisters), lots of male cousins, two stepsons, and several close male friends. I’ve also worked in male dominated industries, so I know men are magnificent.

Sadly, I found when I was dating that many men didn’t know their truth. One man in particular, “Bill,” really stands out. We met at a singles event and I was quite smitten with him, to use an old fashioned word. He was attractive, had a good job and education, and described having strong relationships with his parents and two sons. He’d put himself through college, and although it took seven years, he had no debt when he graduated – quite an accomplishment. So while he had a lot to offer, he didn’t have it together.

My first clue came when I gave Bill my card so he could call me, and he noticed MBA after my name. I saw his confidence level drop as he commented on it. He still called me and we did go out – once. Turns out he’d been dating for three years and in all that time never saw anyone more than once. The date was like an interview, which wouldn’t have bothered me (being an HR person), except that he was comparing himself to me the entire time. Bill quizzed me on fitness level and athletic ability, job title, and skills, such as public speaking. While I liked everything he said about himself, by the end of the date he seemed dejected and walked several paces ahead of me as we went to his car. When we got to my house, he never turned off the motor or took off his seat belt, sending a clear message that there would be no second date.

It took a couple of days for me to figure out what had happened. Bill was caught in a vicious cycle of looking for someone good enough to be proud to be with, but not so good that she outshone him. You see we’re like moths and are drawn to the light. So, many men are attracted to bright, confident women. They want to get closer and as they do, her light seems to be too bright. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, so they back off. They have no idea that they can increase the intensity of their own lights, rather than search endlessly for someone whose light is just bright enough, as Bill has done. More on that next time…

A Variation of the Sane Sex Model

Being an Arizona resident, I visited Biosphere 2 on Memorial Day. You may recall that eight people spent two years sequestered in there twenty years ago. I was so intrigued after seeing the space that I bought Jane Poynter’s account of her experience, The Human Experiment: Two Years and Twenty Minutes Inside Biosphere 2. Jane’s story includes an explanation of how she came to meet and fall in love with her husband, Taber, a perfect illustration of a variation of the sane sex model.

Sane sex most often begins with attraction between two people, who develop emotional intimacy, and only then become physically intimate. A less common, but no less valid progression is to begin as good friends, as Jane and Taber did, developing emotional intimacy first. They endured many challenges and hardships together as they trained to enter Biosphere 2 and became quite close platonically. One evening, after knowing each other for years, they began to see each other differently, and a strong attraction developed. Similar to the typical sex sane model, combining emotional intimacy with attraction results in physical intimacy.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this: becoming good friends with someone (who could be a potential lover), without being attracted to them, only later to find those feelings emerge. It really doesn’t matter what comes first, attraction or emotional closeness, the end result is still meaningful and wonderful. Sane sex is always safe and typically takes place in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship, so how could it be anything less than wonderful?