Are People Having Insane Sex?

I recently had an interviewer ask me if I thought people were having insane sex, since the title of my book is Sane Sex for Singles. In a sense, I think many are. With most superficial sex, people engage in the most physically intimate behavior they can with someone they barely know. They are not intimate with them in any other sense - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually or financially - yet they intimately share their most precious possession with this person. Doesn’t that seem a little crazy to you?

Why do some people treat their bodies so casually? Why do people smoke? Why do they ignore the many signals their bodies send, such as stop eating, get moving, rest, get some sleep, or don’t drink any more? How is it that people disregard their physician’s advice to lose weight, eat differently, exercise, take their prescribed medicine, quit smoking, or get their routine screening exams?

I think it’s because so many of us take our bodies for granted. We’ve always had them and literally cannot imagine life without them. Our bodies do so much on their own to maintain functional health that it appears we don’t need to make any effort. Our bodies really are amazing. Despite our minimal attention, they continue to function with few signs of distress.

One of the definitions of “insane” is “showing a complete lack of reason or foresight.” When I consider the high price people pay when having superficial sex, it can fit the definition of insane. Often times superficial sex is also unsafe, putting both parties at risk for incurable, life-long STDs, even HIV. Even if it is safe, the emotional risks are very high. As human beings, we are systems, a combination of related parts organized into a complex whole. In other words, one aspect of us, such as physical/sexual, effects every other aspect of us, such as emotional or spiritual. So when the various elements are out of alignment, the imbalance manifests in unpleasant ways. Being physically intimate with someone we are not intimate with in other way represents such an imbalance. Since this result is completely avoidable, I think it’s a bit insane – and sad.

Do an Attitude Check

In October I was asked to be a guest author at a networking event for singles. Barbara Kennedy, author of Baby Boomer Men Looking for Love, and I engaged the singles in a discussion about dating, sex, and the expectations of Baby Boomer men and women. Although I have lots of singles mixer experience, I was taken aback by the conversations that I had with individuals before the discussion and by the group’s responses to Barbara and me.

Before the mixer, I worked the room, approaching groups of men and groups of women – yes, many of them were segregated just like my junior high dances. When I encouraged them, particularly the men, to mingle and approach the other singles, they resisted, saying that there was no one there they wanted to meet. Of course I challenged them on this. How could they tell from across the room that someone was not even worth conversing with? I reminded them that single people know other singles, and maybe networking as a single would be as beneficial for them as it is for business professionals. For the most part, I was not successful. Other than having a couple of them hit on me, I got little response from them. The “oh poor me, here we go again” attitude was prevalent that evening.

I realized that I’d forgotten how negative singles can be. It’s ironic that I’ve forgotten, because the discouragement and apathy I encountered were a large part of my motivation to write my book in the first place. Dating can be so disappointing for people, especially when they allow themselves to be too influenced by the media. Are you letting your past dating experiences to dictate your future ones? My friend, Lynn, used to always tell me it was a numbers game, and I think she’s right. There are wonderful people out there, possibly right in front of you, but you must be open to seeing them. At first glance, Roger was not the man I expected to show up, but he turned out to exceed every expectation I’d had about who the love of my life would be.

Do an attitude check and consciously put all those past negative experiences in the past. Stay centered in today and expect someone terrific to come your way.

Shifting the Focus - It's About You Not Them

When I began dating again in 2005, I was not seeing the kind of men I wanted to. Many were more like boys rather than men: they didn’t keep their word, wouldn’t commit to even a date, wanted easy sex, and sought someone to take care of them and be the grown-up in the relationship. Others felt the need to compete to with me, and when my light appeared brighter than theirs, they opted out.

I eventually learned that the problem wasn’t them; it was me. I had to be the kind of person I wanted to attract, and I had to make room for a man in my life. Once I took others’ advice to claim my beauty and began to see myself as someone a man would be fortunate to be with, I began to draw men who were closer to what I was looking for. Some would say that the quality of man I was attracting was higher, but I hate to frame it that way. We’re all intrinsically of equal value and doing the best we know how to do. Some of us just have a better sense of our own worth.

Single women, if you’re struggling as I was, I encourage you to see your dating experiences from this perspective. It’s pointless to lament that he’s not what you want. If you would know your own truth and value, men who hold the same mindset will be drawn to you – and everything will shift.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part Two

So how do we handle not being called for another date because we weren’t willing to have sex so early in the relationship? Besides keeping the perspective I discussed last time, here are some things that worked for me:

• Continue to be active. Attend concerts, visit museums, get involved with your favorite charity, or join a hiking group.

• Search out new singles venues. Ask your single friends for ideas and give a group you gave up on a while ago another try. People become newly single all the time, so while groups tend to have some long-term regulars, most get new faces all the time.

• Try something you thought you never would, such as speed dating or Internet dating. Just don’t abandon the commitments you’ve made to yourself about the kind of dating experience you want.

• Pay attention to who you spend time with. Avoid single friends who are discouraged or have given up. Seek out your biggest fans and give yourself an ego boost.

• Remember that no sex is better than bad sex. Many of us have been there, so remind yourself of that experience when you get impatient. The solution is not to try what you already know does not work!

• Use others’ success stories to keep hope alive. I describe of my dating experiences and the highlights of my dating relationship with Roger, my husband and the love of my life, in Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles.

What ideas do you have? I’d love to hear what has worked for you.

Will I Ever Have a Second (or Third) Date? – Part One

Unfortunately, the prevalence of superficial sex on television and in the movies has led people to conclude that they will be expected to have sex early in a relationship, even on the first date. This puts tremendous needless pressure on both men and women and feels unnatural for many people, as it should. This is not because superficial sex is morally wrong, but because engaging in physical intimacy when there is no emotional intimacy puts the relationship out of alignment.

Having sex is means making ourselves very vulnerable. When we do this with someone we’ve just met, it may be exciting, but it should also be somewhat frightening. Consider these words from author and speaker Joan Gattuso: “…[T]he woman is the receiver, not just physiologically, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically as well. Before going to bed with a new man, consider if you want all of him, his neuroses, judgments, grievances, prejudices, likes and dislikes, ejaculated into you and into your essence.” Sadly, many people don’t stop to consider such things. I found about half the men I dated asked for sex on the second date and expected it on the third. (I’m sure if I frequented happy hours at singles bars, the percentage would have been higher and there would have been some who would have pushed it up to the first and second dates.)

It’s true that when sex did not happen on the third date, I didn’t hear from them again. While this bothered me at first, I learned to see it for what it was. I remembered Don Miguel Ruiz’s sage observation from The Four Agreements, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” I came to realize that often the men dropped out of the game because they didn’t think they’d be successful ultimately. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth their effort, but rather that they weren’t up to feeling like a failure. I discovered that reducing supply really does raise the perceived value, and some of them did not feel that I would see them as valuable enough ultimately!

So how did I cope with having fewer dates than I wanted? We’ll look at that next time.

Is Sane Sex Only For Long Term Relationships?

I get asked this question fairly often: what about people who aren’t seeking marriage or even a long term relationship? Do I think they should be concerned about sane sex? I think sane sex is appealing to all mature people who date. Relationships don’t have to be long to be sane.

Consider the characteristics of sane sex. First of all, it’s always safe, something we absolutely must have as a non-negotiable. Second, it protects us not just physically, but emotionally as well. Superficial sex is risky behavior. When we expose ourselves so intimately to someone we don’t know well enough to trust, it often leads to feelings of low self esteem and low value. We deserve to be honored and treasured in every sexual encounter we have, and that is much more likely with sane sex than with superficial sex. With superficial sex, it’s not unusual for these encounters to be one night stands. While you may not be looking for a long term relationship, were you really hoping for just one encounter?

Sane sex typically happens in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship. While this sounds like marriage to some people, it does not have to involve a “permanent” commitment or one that spans years. I have had short term (as in months), emotionally intimate relationships with several women friends over the years, and many people have had wonderful summer romances that meet the sane sex parameters.

Finally, I realize that there are people who truly do just want casual sexual encounters. They are not looking for relationships really, just easy, enjoyable sex. For this minority, sane sex will not be an attractive option. Most people grow out of this stage, though, just as college age people grow up and outgrow getting drunk. When they’re ready for it, the sane sex model will still be there as an effective choice for them.

How Long Do I Have to Wait – Part Two

How long does it take to establish the emotional intimacy needed for sane sex? Once you know and are comfortable with yourself, it becomes a matter of finding an appropriate partner to be close to. This person needs to have the same self-knowledge that you’ve acquired, so the person that you get to know is the real thing.

Here’s where you really want to be aware and listen carefully. There are signs when someone is emotionally unavailable or unhealthy. Hopefully your self-exploration revealed any weakness or blind spots you’ve fallen prey to in the past, so you can avoid them now. This is important, because creating emotional intimacy requires trusting the other person and most, if not all of us, have had our trust broken at some time. While this trust building, getting to know you better process takes time, how much depends on who you meet and how much time you spend together. If you’re like me, you'll start down the road many times until you find the right one. We simply cannot force emotional intimacy to happen.

As I stated last time, it does not have to be a long wait. When Roger and I met, we’d both done our inner work. We spent time together that allowed us to talk and really get to know each other. Neither of us was into game playing, and we both wanted a long term, committed relationship. He still says that he knew from the day we met that we were meant to be together. It took me a little bit longer, about a month. Keep in mind that I’d been dating for a year and a half and had done lots of reflecting, praying, exploring, dating, learning, and finally letting go in that time.

If it’s been a long time since you’ve been in a loving relationship, the inclination to rush this process can be intense. I urge you to keep the end in mind, as Steven Covey recommends. It will be worth the time you invest!

How Long Do I Have to Wait?

This is a common question people ask me at book signings and other places where they see my book without having read it. I admit that the phrase, “worth waiting for,” can suggest having to settle in for the long haul. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

To practice sane sex means to delay having sex with someone you’re attracted to until you’re emotionally intimate with them. So the question becomes, how long does it take for two people to become emotionally intimate? As usual, the answer is that it depends – on several things. Let’s look today at what is first and most important – how well each person knows himself or herself. Emotional intimacy requires sharing at a deep level. We can only give what we have, so we must have a deep knowledge of ourselves to share authentically with another person.

This kind of self knowledge is not as common or easy to achieve as you might think. For example, I’ve been amazed at how many people really can’t tell me their strengths, not because they don’t want to appear boastful, but because they actually don’t know them. Another frequent phenomenon is for people to be unwilling to face what’s commonly referred to today as their dark side. I’ll bet you can easily think of at least one person who acts out in some way without an awareness of where that aberrant behavior is coming from. People will declare, “I’m not angry!” or “Your kidding doesn’t bother me,” when their actions suggest the opposite.

Until you do the deep inner work of knowing yourself, you won’t be able to accurately present yourself to a potential partner. Since achieving emotional intimacy is a process, neglecting this first step prevents real closeness from developing. Others may think they’re getting to know you, but under these circumstances the person you’re presenting isn’t your authentic self, so how can they?

Once you’ve done your inner work, you’ll be ready to find the right person to share yourself with. We’ll explore that next time.

Is Sane Sex for All Ages?

I was asked recently if the sane sex message applies to people of all ages. It does, although people may receive it differently, depending on their age. First of all, sane sex is a common sense approach to handling physical intimacy when dating. It nurtures both parties emotionally and physically and is much more likely to lead to a wonderful sexual experience than superficial or casual sex is. Putting emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy means we’ll be sharing ourselves with someone we’re really close to and care about. Why wouldn’t that apply to people of all ages?

The bottom line, as you’ve heard me say before, is that having sex is a big deal. Now this may be new information for someone under the age of 30. It wouldn’t surprise me if this never occurred to a college student or twenty-something, given the images shown on MTV, the plots of popular television shows, and the antics portrayed in movies where sex during the first encounter is common. This message will resonate with most baby boomers and people over 40 in general, however. We were raised with an appreciation for the intimacy of sex and at least the privacy, if not the sanctity, of our bodies. So the safe sex message is a reminder to these more mature singles.

New information or a familiar message, either way sane sex makes sense for dating singles of all ages. Commit to being and having the best today and every day.

Hidden Dimensions Illustrates Sane Sex Beautifully

I recently read Debra Drecksel’s new novel, Hidden Dimensions. It’s a story about a woman’s journey to discover her true self and purpose in life and along the way, finds not only those things, but love as well. What I really appreciate about Debra’s book is that it gives a perfect demonstration of superficial sex, why it doesn’t work, and why sane sex is a much more satisfying, rewarding choice.

At one point in the story, Monica, the main character, searches for love and connection by having a string of one night stands. Rather than feeling close to anyone, she instead begins to lose sight of herself. She’s doing what many people do in real life: following today’s dating model over and over, expecting to find emotional intimacy at some point. This behavior fits the classic definition of insanity, doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome. Being an intelligent woman, she soon concludes that this approach will not bring her the meaningful relationship she longs for. Monica learns that putting emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy, as presented in the sane sex model, nurtures her body and soul and ultimately leads to love.

I didn’t know the author before she wrote this novel, and I know she had no idea what the term “sane sex” meant as she was writing. Nonetheless, I couldn’t have written a clearer illustration of how and why sane sex works than Debra’s work provides. Thanks Debra!

Less is More, With Food and Sex

As of 2008, only 56% of French males and 40% of French females were classified as overweight or obese, compared to 70% of American males and 62% of American females. To what do researchers attribute these differences? It may well be how the two cultures differ in their perspectives on food. Because the French are less stressed about eating and see it a pleasurable experience compared to Americans, they tend to eat less and therefore weigh less.* We can apply this same thinking to sex.

Unfortunately, the media today suggest that more is better when it comes to sex and lead people to think that everybody is having lots of sex. This is similar to the way food is presented to Americans, who are encouraged to supersize everything. While Americans love getting a lot of food for a small price, the French relish a small amount of delicious food. When is the last time you called drive-through fare “delicious”?

Sane sex is all about foregoing physical intimacy until we’re in an exclusive, loving relationship. This kind of relationship isn’t common, so there may well be less sex happening initially. When it does come, though, it will be something to relish, much like the French experience of food.

* Source – Environmental Nutrition September 2009

Displays of Affection are Like Appetizers

As I said last time, I don’t see affection as adolescent behavior. One of the problems with hurrying to have sex is that couples rush over or skip some wonderful preliminaries, such as kissing, fondling, and touching. How foolish this is! It’s like skipping the fabulous cocktail party in a dash to get to dinner. Only in the case of sex, we can enjoy both the appetizers and the entrée without worrying about excess calories!

The quality of experiences one can have both when dining and when engaging in sexual activity is quite broad. Settling for superficial sex rather than waiting for sane sex is like continually going through the drive-through when you could be having a five-course dinner. Because sex is such a primary need, one may be tempted to settle for what comes easily and quickly.

Thankfully, however, an alternative is available. Consider that sexual expression and enjoyment are not an all or nothing process but rather encompass a range of possibilities. Have you seen the scene in The Age of Innocence, with Michelle Pfeiffer and Daniel Day Lewis in the carriage, where he does nothing more than remove her glove? It is an incredibly sensual scene, garnering Martin Scorsese acclaim for his eroticism.

Or how about using the Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian text written in the fourth century by Vatsyayana, as a guide? The Kama Sutra is still well known and used today by many couples and sex therapists (Western and Buddhists alike). The book includes kissing, embracing, bathing, massage, and foreplay, as well as what it is best known for: various positions for sexual intercourse. It explores this full array of sexual expression because all these expressions are considered a part of the gratifying experience, just as fine dining incorporates several courses of food.

I heartily endorse giving up the drive-through habit, when it comes to both food and sex. Let’s take the time to enjoy every sensual experience life has to offer us!

Is Affection Adolescent Behavior?

A couple of weeks ago, my husband, Roger, and I attended a networking event and met some new people. We had the pleasure of telling our story to them. While it didn’t take long for Roger and me both to know we were meant to be together, we did have our ups and downs. One of the ups was a simple kiss, an experience I will always cherish. Let me tell you about it.

For reasons I won’t go into here, I had tried to break it off with Roger. He wouldn’t hear of it, though. He called me the next day to ask me to go with him to see Wayne Brady. To this day, I give Wayne Brady much of the credit for Roger and me being together; I am a big fan and would not pass up the opportunity to see him.
Although Roger said we’d go as friends, that isn’t the way it went. I drove myself to Roger’s house, and he then drove us to the restaurant for dinner before the show. All the way there, he gave me his pitch, telling me how good we would be together. I listened carefully and heard the truth in what he said. Roger was very open with me, and we spoke candidly about our age difference, career plans, and future intentions.

During the show, Roger sat very close to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. As it always had, it felt good to be so close to him. Afterward we went back to his house where I’d left my car. We ended up standing in his kitchen where we had one of our most memorable moments. As we lingered there looking into each other’s eyes, Roger took me in his arms and kissed me very slowly and intentionally. I felt that kiss all the way down to my toes.

I will never forget that kiss. Do I think kissing and other acts of affection are adolescent? Not at all. It’s unlikely we ever would have experienced a kiss so meaningful if we had done what so many people do and rushed into sex too quickly.

Do Single People Have a Fear of Commitment?

On June 22, 2010, the USA Today reported that young adults today are delaying marriage much longer than their parents and grandparents did. While Lyndon Johnson and Lady Bird met in August of 1934 and married that same November, Prince William and Kate Middleton have been a couple for nine years and their engagement is still just speculation. This delay has resulted in an older age for first time marriages: men are now an average of 28 years old and women almost 26. It was five years younger for their grandparents’ generation.

It goes beyond marriage, though. According to psychotherapist Shannon Fox, “This is the generation that won’t commit to going to a party on Saturday because something better might come along – someone better might come along.” I concur with that statement, and I would say it extends beyond young adults. When I was dating just a few years ago, I quickly learned not to ask a man about plans for Saturday on Tuesday – and even Wednesday was chancing it. It seems to be a characteristic of single people, not just young adults.

What is this about, this need to stay open and uncommitted? What opportunity might appear after committing to an event that couldn’t be experienced another day? I wonder if those who resist committing realize what they miss out on when they let invitations pass them by. I remember men who resisted taking our relationship to an exclusive level so they could be free to sleep with other women who came along, only to find no one did and they were alone.

If you’re experiencing what I did, take heart! I did eventually find men who were interested in an exclusive relationship with me. In fact, I had two men I’d dated previously and broke it off with call me after I’d been with Roger a few months. They were checking to see if I was still in a relationship. Whatever you do, please don’t compromise your standards, thinking that’s the way it’s done today. It doesn’t have to be. It’s your life; you call the shots.

An STD You May Not Know About, But Should

Have you heard of trichomoniasis? I hadn’t, yet it’s one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases around, infecting an estimated 7 million people in the U.S. every year. Sexually active women are the most commonly affected. The cause is a protozoan (back to science class!), which infects the vagina and possibly the urethra. As with other STDs, it is spread during unprotected sex.

The problem with this disease is that the vast majority of infected men have no symptoms, although some do experience burning during urination. Only about half of the women infected have symptoms, which include vaginal itching, irritation, smelly yellowish/greenish vaginal discharge, and pain and itching during intercourse and urination. Sounds like a typical yeast infection, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, untreated trichomoniasis can reduce fertility, cause complications during pregnancy, and increase the risk of contracting HIV if exposed (UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, December 2009).

Thankfully this disease can be cured – with a one dose treatment. If you have these symptoms or think you have yeast infection, but it doesn’t clear up, see your doctor. Better still, avoid it all together and always have safe sex. Of course, I’d like to see you having sane sex. It takes it one step further, protecting you emotionally, as well as physically. Be safe and sane, every time.

Learn How to Work the Room

When I was single, one of my favorite ways to meet men was at singles events. There are numerous organizations that hold such functions including singles groups, speed dating companies, arts societies, sea and ski clubs, and other outdoor activity associations. It’s also possible to meet single men and women at business networking events, church functions, senior outings, alumni mixers, industry meetings – at virtually any event where groups of people come together.

To make the most of these opportunities, it’s really important that you feel comfortable working the room. Don’t worry if you don’t right now. This is an easily acquired skill, once you know the basics. Here are a few techniques, many of which come from Susan RoAne’s original book, How to Work a Room, which I read years ago. I still use these methods all the time.

• Before you go, have some light topics ready for conversation. For instance, when I was dating, many men were reading The Da Vinci Code. You can read the newspaper or check online news sites. Ladies, be familiar with how the local sports teams are performing. You could talk about shows or celebrities that are performing in town or the latest movie you saw.
• Think about an amusing incident that happened recently. Perhaps you saw a funny commercial or advertisement. It does not have to be hysterical, but do be sure it’s in good taste.
• Avoid negative stories or depressing observations. You want to draw people to you, so be positive and upbeat.
• Go to the event alone or break apart from whoever you came with. Individuals are much easier to approach and you’ll find it easier to break into a group by yourself.
• Look for someone who is alone and approach that person. Think warm, complimentary thoughts as you approach. A smile and simple, “Hi, my name is…” will get you started. Paying a sincere compliment often works well.
• Be interested in that person. Do not look around for someone else to talk with next or for who just arrived.
• If your goal is to meet many people, limit your time with any one person. Be sensitive of the other person’s desire to move on, too. To break away from a conversation, at a pause simply smile and say, “Excuse me” and walk away. You can add that you’d like to mingle, since the event is a mixer, if that would make you more comfortable.
• To approach a group, stand nearby and attempt to make eye contact with someone in the group. Be careful approaching a couple, as they may be having a private conversation. You do not want to appear to be eavesdropping and you don’t want to embarrass yourself or them.
• Throughout the event focus on what there is to like about the people there. Remind yourself that you are worth talking to, as well. This will build your confidence and make others more comfortable around you.

Most importantly, get out there. The only way to get better at anything is to do it.

Are You a Veteran Internet Dater?

More and more people are, according to sociologist Michael Rosenfeld’s research of 3,000 American couples. While introductions from friends remain the greatest source of matches, Internet sites have surpassed family referrals, the workplace, school, church and the corner bar as the way people find dating partners. Three types of couples most likely to have met their mate online are gay men, lesbians, and straight folks aged 35-44 (AZ Republic, February 14, 2010).

I expect these numbers will grow as more people become comfortable with social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter. The Internet is especially helpful when you’re looking for someone specific, such as a person who loves skydiving and Indian food and speaks French.

I tried a number of Internet dating sites when I was in my late forties and looking. While I think it’s worth trying, I didn’t have much success dating people I met online. (Of course not one friend fixed me up with anyone, so my experience really did not fit the norm!) Many of the men I encountered were not interested in a committed relationship and most wanted to date younger women. Before I met Roger I did date a few men who were my age, but I met all of them at singles events.

Still, I know of several successful relationships that began online, and you may have a different experience than I had. A great resource for online dating, especially for women just getting back to the dating scene, is Finding The Right Man For You: Dating Advice for Women by Lawrence J. Danks. Danks met his wife through online dating, so he knows how to do it right.

No matter what approach you take, if you want to meet someone, you need to stay in the game. The biggest mistake I see people make is leaving too early or giving up too soon. A good friend used to remind me that it’s a numbers game, and I think she’s right. Get out there and have some fun – and be sane!

The Latest on STDs and Viagra Use

Did you see the Arizona Republic article earlier in the month reporting that men taking Viagra and Cialis had almost triple of rate of STDs compared to those not taking the medications? The results came from a study of health insurance claims for men age 40 and older and suggest that men taking drugs to treat erectile dysfunction may be more likely to engage in unsafe sex than non-users. Not surprisingly then, in 2007 people age 40 to 49 accounted for the largest proportion of newly diagnosed cases of HIV/AIDS, 27 percent, according the U. S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Those 50 to 59 accounted for 13 percent.

It is my goal that sane sex becomes the norm, and sex cannot be sane if it is not safe. Ladies, I urge you to insist on condom use every time. Remember that we cannot expect people to treat us better than we treat ourselves. Please do not fall prey to the notion that using a condom means you don’t trust your partner. On the contrary, using protection is an indication of love. Keep in mind that many STDs have no symptoms for long time spans, so many infected people do not know they have an STD until those symptoms appear. The truth is that using a condom is way of showing love and caring for yourself and your partner.

Safe Sex Message Still Not Received

When I was researching and writing my book, Worth Waiting For: Sane Sex for Singles, in 2007, I was amazed to learn that unsafe still happens in every age group – a lot. How is this possible? While the safe sex message is not as prominent as it was fifteen years ago, it is still being promoted. The target age group, however, is young—under age thirty. Yet, although the message is aimed at this audience more consistently than it is at those over forty, an alarming number of young adults still have unsafe sex. Of the twenty-five to forty-four-year-olds surveyed, 39 percent did not use a condom the last time they had sex and likewise for 20 percent of the eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds. Sadly almost half of the new STD infections are among adolescent girls (www.alternet.org/sex/62429)!

How about those over 45? Is it possible they have not heard of safe sex? I think it’s unlikely, but consider a study conducted by the New York Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in May 2008. Of single people with at least two sexual partners, some 44 percent of those over age forty-five reported not using condoms the last time they had sex. A University of Chicago survey of single women ages fifty-eight to ninety-three revealed that nearly 60 percent said they hadn’t used a condom the last time they had sex. It’s not surprising then that, in less than a decade, STD rates have more than doubled among people ages forty-five and older. From 1996 to 2003, the total cases of chlamydia, genital herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and genital warts among people over forty-five increased by 127 percent (http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/070805/13senior.htm).

But these STDs aren’t the only concern for this age group. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the majority of HIV carriers by 2015 will be over age fifty, and about 15 percent of new infections occur in this age group. It’s alarming to consider that an Ohio University study found that about 27 percent of HIV-infected men and 35 percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms (http://www.physorg.com/news96724718.html).

Although HIV/AIDS is not the automatic death sentence it once was, it not curable. Safe sex is not an option. It is a requirement every time for anyone who cherishes their health and well being.

Lessons Learned from My First Date in 20 Years

Jim, my first date in 20 years, had what management consultants call an “external locus of control,” which simply means he held outside forces responsible for what happened to him, rather than take responsibility for his life. It’s their version of the James Redfield’s “poor me” control drama.

During our two meetings, I heard Jim three times blame other people or circumstances for situations in his life. When his leg prevented him from standing to teach math, he gave up teaching. I told him of a math instructor I knew who use PowerPoint slides to teach and always sat during class. He said he didn’t want to do that, yet lamented because he had to give up teaching, which he loved. Later he told me about the time he came upon a friendly softball game and was disappointed because he wasn’t asked to play. He said they assumed that just because he couldn’t run, he wouldn’t be able to hit and have someone else run the bases for him. I asked him if he’d explained to the guys that he’d like to do that, and of course he hadn’t. He waited to be asked and then fell into self-pity when they didn’t. Finally, Jim complained to me that he wanted to play canasta, a card game my grandmother had taught me but isn’t well known, but couldn’t find anyone. I suggested he use the Internet to search for people, and the notion seemed quite foreign to him. Jim expected the world to come to him and then blamed it when it didn’t. He just could seem to figure out how to make things work for him.

By the end of our date, I had a terrific headache. Despite my headache and that I hadn’t asked him in, he lingered on my front porch. I had to practically close the door on him to get to leave. He also had no idea of my reaction to him apparently, because he called me the next day asking for a second date. By now I had figured it out. I was true to myself and straight with him. I told him directly that I did not care to see him again, because we had completely different approaches to life. When he emailed me later asking for an explanation for this, I obliged and gave him the three examples I just gave you. As a single mother and a business owner, I had to take responsibility for my life. His attitude was not one I could live with.

So what were my take-aways from this experience? I learned to be more discerning and not to overlook what I might not want to see. I learned that just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily make a good date. I also got clear on what mattered: it was not his physical disability that was the problem, but rather his disabled attitude. Finally, I learned to let this experience go and move on. It was all part of my learning process. I congratulated myself for taking the chance and beginning the dating process again. I had nowhere to go but upward.

More About My First Date in 20 Years

As I said last time, my first date in 20 years was not followed by a second date – at least not with Jim. He was a nice guy and certainly was safe to be with, but he was not someone I was interested in getting to know better. There were several signs that I picked up, some sooner than others.

You may have been told that when you’re dating you do not want to appear desperate. Having experienced this first hand, I whole-heartedly agree. Jim’s behavior was too eager, too “I can’t believe she’s going out with me” for me to feel good about being with him. That kind of over-enthusiasm wasn’t flattering to me; it suggested that there must be something wrong with him if it was so amazing that I would be with him. This over-eagerness led to Jim’s confusion over my address and the spill on his shirt, no doubt, among other faux pas too numerous to detail here. When you combine this with his walking disability, his diabetes so serious it required multiple insulin injections per day, and his child-like food preferences, we’ve now transitioned from him as a potential partner to a project.

I hesitated to tell you about his disabilities, because I don’t want you to think they were the issue, nor did I want to sound defensive in assuring you they were not the issue. I have dated men with physical disabilities and mental disorders before. What I have learned is that it is not the condition the person has, but how he approaches it that makes the difference. Jim’s conditions were long term; his limp was ten years old and his diabetes was a lifelong illness. But unlike many who learn to rise above such circumstances and go on to succeed and possibly inspire others, Jim used his to seek sympathy. If you’ve read the Celestine Prophesy, Jim was a classic “poor me.” I should have caught this in our first conversation and avoided this painful experience, but I didn’t. I’ll summarize my lessons from this date next time.

My First Date in 20 Years

Many dating stories never made it to my book. One worth telling is the first date I’d had in twenty years. I’d always heard that I could meet “the one” anywhere, so when I met Jim at the public library, I wasn’t too surprised. I was working on a project and he was at a nearby table tutoring a student in math. Having a BS degree in math, this caught my attention. I caught Jim’s eye, too, because I spotted him looking at me several times. Eventually his student left, and he approached me and started a conversation. After a few minutes, we agreed to meet at the diner across the street for an iced tea. When we had been chatting for about an hour, I agreed to go out with him. He seemed a nice enough guy, and I was eager to start dating again.

Jim had a disability and walked with a pretty severe limp. This somehow made me feel safe, so I agreed to have him pick me up at my home. (I didn’t do this again. Although I was perfectly safe, I realized afterward this was not a good idea with someone I barely knew.) Jim called me the day of our date to find out what kind of music I liked, so he could have it in the car. Although we confirmed the time, he was over a half hour late when he called me again. He was lost (we lived about two miles from each other), having read “avenue” instead of “street” in my address. He didn’t call earlier because he didn’t own a cell phone, being “just a poor teacher,” so he had to go home to call me. This was 2007 and every adult I knew had a cell phone. When he finally arrived, the front of his shirt was totally stained. It was summer, so I knew he hadn’t come directly from work. How odd that he would fuss about the music in his car, but didn’t get my address straight or come in clean clothes. The date went downhill from here, including a number of irritating discoveries, such as his not liking any vegetables except corn. I knew this would be our first and last date.

In hindsight, I recognized that I’d overlooked several things, right from the start. His behavior said “desperate,” he was oblivious to my reactions to him, and he had a “poor me” approach to life, which I’ll tell you about next time. Thankfully, I learned from this experience and can laugh about it now.

Honesty vs. Openness – Part Two

Last time I looked honesty, or truthfulness, vs. openness, being revealing, and acknowledged that while honesty is not optional, openness really needs to be. Openness is something to be conscious of as your relationship progresses. Since a failure to be open means something is not being said, it can be easy to overlook. We have to be aware of what’s not said, whereas usually we’re focusing on what is said. I remember dating someone years ago who never told me where he lived. I knew he lived in a city thirty miles away from where I lived and we both worked, and I assumed he had his own apartment. Because we lived so far apart, he’d pick me up and take me out, and we’d always go back to my apartment. Eventually I found out that he lived with his parents, something he did not want me to know. It turned out he’d failed to tell me quite a few things, and the relationship ended very painfully for me.

While honesty is something we all must strive for all the time, it’s openness that we can and should at times withhold. Just how revealing do you want to be? How revealing should you be? “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” This is sound advice from George Washington; start small and build from there. Avoid sharing at a level deeper than your partner shares. This is not to play games, but rather to maintain balance in the relationship. Your degree of disclosure should be in line with your comfort level with the other person, as well as with his or her openness with you.

While this sounds good in theory, what if you’re asked a question you don’t want to answer? I’ve said dishonesty is not an option. So what’s a polite way to not be open? I now offer my mother’s advice. She told me that whenever anyone asked me something I didn’t want to answer, I should simply respond with, “I really couldn’t say.” Try it out; I’ve found it to be very effective!

One thing to remember when going through all these steps is to stay alert and clear-headed. Often alcohol is part of our social and dating experience, but drinking can impair judgment. I made it a practice when dating to have one glass of wine, and then switch to juice or water. This enabled me to maintain my sense of judgment and ability to observe carefully, both of which are needed to discern accurately, determine trustworthiness, and decide how self-disclosing to be.

Honesty vs. Openness – Part One

Sane sex, as I’ve said before, happens when put emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. One way to enhance emotional intimacy is through appropriate self disclosure. Opening ourselves up means assuming a certain level of risk. You’ll want to balance your hesitancy to assume risk with the need to be vulnerable to achieve the close, intimate relationship you desire.

Self-disclosure that leads to emotional intimacy involves both honesty and openness. It took me years to understand the difference between these two concepts. Self-disclosure is meaningless if it is not honest. What we say must be true and accurate, as we understand it. To have someone want to share deeply with us, we need to be trustworthy, so honesty is not optional.

But a true statement is not necessarily an open one. I once dated a man in his forties who had never been married. In fact, he’d never had a relationship with a woman that lasted more than seven months. I know this because he told me. He could have just stated that he’d never been married, and that would have been honest. If he had not told me about his relationships never lasting more than seven months, it would not have been dishonest, but it also would not have been open. Honesty is about being truthful, where openness is about being revealing.

Be careful not to assume either of these in your partner. I’m dismayed to find how frequently characters on television lie to one another. I can recall a popular family drama about a minister and his family where even the minister lies to his loved ones! Still more common is the deception portrayed among dating singles in the movies and on television. Lying seems to be almost expected on some level.

So just how open should you be and what can you do to minimize your risk of getting hurt? We’ll look at that next time.

Superficial Sex Didn’t Work for Frasier

Have you noticed how common superficial sex, my term for casual sex, is on television today? Just two nights ago I watched a rerun of Frasier where our leading man engaged in sex with a woman he’d gone to high school with and hadn’t seen in years. He had always admired her from a distance but didn’t have a chance with her in those days. Now, as an adult, he had the opportunity to have her at last!

Unfortunately, the morning after she turned out to be nothing like she had presented herself to be or he had imagined. She was loud, rude, and inconsiderate. It went downhill from there, and I was happy to hear him acknowledge his mistake. Putting physical intimacy ahead rarely works, for many reasons. This episode illustrates a common occurrence in dating: people often are not what they seem to be at first. I found this to be true numerous times as I was dating. It may be that they are intentionally presenting themselves to be something they’re not, so we’ll like them. This kind of manipulation does happen.

Often times, though, it’s a case of people putting their best foot forward, as we do on job interviews. They’re especially aware of their appearance, behaviors and reactions, being careful to filter out anything they don’t want seen too early or they think we won’t like. They may be more charming, patient, or understanding than usual, for instance. I think this is natural under these circumstances, and I’m sure I do it myself. So rather than resist it, why not recognize that it might be happening and take your time. Allow the relationship time to develop and for you both to relax enough to be yourselves. Mature people are realistic and don’t expect others to be perfect, and eventually we all have to let our guards down. Emotional intimacy cannot develop until these things happen, and sane sex always puts emotional intimacy ahead of physical intimacy. Too bad Frasier wasn’t practicing sane sex!

Watch Out for Relationship Traps

What is a relationship trap? It’s a relationship you stay in despite the warning signs. It’s one where you know (or eventually figure out) that he or she is not for you. Some of the typical warning signs include: his working excessive overtime or spending too much time at the office, her being vague about where she’s been or will be, his or her dependence on alcohol or drugs, his asking you for money, her lack of boundaries with her family, his siding the with guys over you, her blaming everyone but herself for her problems, and his being threatened by your other relationships.

People who fall into relationship traps frequently acknowledge afterward that there were warning signs, but they overlooked them. We do this for many reasons. We may want to be in a relationship so badly, we refuse to see the signs that this one is not working. We may be enamored with some aspect of the other person, such as how we feel in his presence or the way she praises us. The individual may have something we feel we need, such as a large bank account or stable family. It might simply be because it’s easier than starting over.

If you’ve find yourself relating to these scenarios, I highly recommend Marilyn Frazer’s book, The Relationship Trap. In it she tells the story of fourteen women who ignored the signs that he wasn’t right for her. It’s a great resource for someone who is inexperienced, hasn’t dated in years, or has been caught in more than one relationship trap. I wholeheartedly agree with Marilyn’s advice: go in with your eyes open and trust your intuition.

Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part Two

We looked last time at the risks of comparing ourselves to the people we go out with, hoping to outshine them in some way to feel good about ourselves. This practice is problematic on many levels. For one thing, people are incredibly gifted, so you’ll be hard pressed to find someone you can be superior to in every significant way. Even intelligence manifests in many forms. My mother was better with words than my father, but Dad’s skill at card playing exceeded hers. So it’s likely that you’ll fail with this approach, as did the man I told you about last time, looking three years in vain for a woman he could be better than.

We also risk looking foolish. I recall the bowl-a-thon that was a combination singles event and fund raiser. There were two women on each lane, and pairs of men would rotate through, changing lanes with each game while the women stayed in place. We were not considered “teams” as this was a singles event, not a competition.

I hadn’t bowled in years, so it took me a while to remember there were arrows painted on the lane to use as a guide. By the second game, I remembered this and also got lucky, scoring 167. Unfortunately, the scores were automatically tallied and projected overhead for all to view. I could see the two men from the next lane watching the board. When the game ended, they did not come rotate to our lane as planned. Eventually, the event coordinators made them move, and each one commented to me about my score. One in particular, George, made quite a point of it.

By the third frame of the game, the woman paired with me, Karen, and I had all marks (strikes or spares) and were ahead of the men. I watched George look at the score board and prepare to bowl his next frame. He randomly picked up a ball from the rack that happened to be Karen’s personal ball. (The rest of us were using alley balls. Bowling with someone’s personal ball is not done because it’s been specially drilled for that individual.) He approached the alley, turning his back to the pins. He heaved the ball between his legs and laughed out loud. The ball went in the gutter. Just then, Karen realized he had used her ball. She jumped up and retrieved it as it came up the ball return. Examining the ball, she found a chip and expressed her anger to me. Being about 20 years younger than George and I, she had no idea why he would behave in such a childish manner. I pointed out the disparity between our scores and the men’s and that by throwing away the frame, George had thrown the game, preventing him from losing to the women.

The fact that I recognized what was happening did not make it any easier for me. I came home and told my daughters I was swearing off men! In time I remembered that there are many wonderful, confident men in the world – and I only needed to meet one. Sadly George looked to external things, such as how he bowled compared to women, to feel good about himself. I hope he’s realized his truth by now and knows that it doesn’t really matter how he bowls.

Each of us is a person of worth, made in the image and likeness of God, pure perfection. We have no need to be better than anyone. If you want your light to shine brighter, focus on being your very best, the highest expression of the infinite that you can.

Feeling Good From the Inside Out – Part One

It’s natural for us to like to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves. I remember a coworker of mine several years ago who made me feel like a million bucks every time I walked into his office. What a high it was being around him!

Just what is it about the other person that makes us feel so good? In the case of my coworker, it was the sincere interest he had in me and his ability to express how he valued who I was and what I brought to the job. He was exceptional, though. I find many people tend to compare themselves to others, hoping to see themselves as superior in some way, in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I saw this tendency quite often in the men I dated. Sometimes it would be subtle. We’d be talking about our jobs and he’d react when I mentioned that I was a Director or that I owned my own business. He’d want to know what sports I played and how athletic I was. Occasionally the fact that I drove a five-speed threw him! In extreme cases, it seemed that he felt he had to better than I was at everything that mattered to him – and almost everything was important to him: any sports-related skill, my work, how much money I made, where I lived, how I drove, and what I drove. If he felt I excelled in any of these areas over him, the relationship was over.

One man in particular stands out. Our entire first date was an assessment of my education (I had a master’s; he had a bachelor’s), my work experience (I was a manager; he wasn’t), my physical abilities (I was physically fit while he was athletic), and my professional skills (I was comfortable speaking in front of groups and he admitted he was not). He was so busy comparing us that he didn’t recognize how much he had going for him. He’d put himself through college. It took seven years, but he had no loans to repay when he was done, while it took me ten years to pay back the debt I’d accumulated going straight through. He may not have been a manager, but he was a well–paid professional who had strategically changed jobs every few years to gain better experience and higher pay each time. Being athletic, he was in good shape and very attractive. He also had good relationships with his parents and kids. He saw none of this; nor did he see how smitten I was with him. By the end of our date, he was demoralized. When he dropped me off at my house, he never even turned off the engine. Later, I recalled that he had told me that he’d been dating three years and never had more than one date with anyone! It’s not too surprising, given his frame of mind. Odds are, there was nothing wrong with these women really; he just didn’t feel good about himself when he was with them.

It’s so dangerous to view ourselves in comparison to others, rather than as ourselves. He was looking for someone who didn’t outshine him. It’s a tricky business to approach self esteem that way. His partner’s light has to be bright enough to attract him in the first place. Being with a “dull light” wouldn’t make him feel good. But if the light was too bright, it could outshine him. This is just an illusion though. His light is his light. It only appears brighter or dimmer in comparison to someone else’s. This means that not only is his self esteem not based in reality, it also varies based on who he’s with.

Are you looking to be better than the person you date? I hope not, because competition does not enhance intimacy, and emotional intimacy is what sane sex is all about.

How Comfortable Are You on a First Date?

Many people find first dates nerve-wracking. For me, as a former human resources professional, I was pretty comfortable most of the time because I found them similar to a job interview. Each party is dressed well and on his or her best behavior, carefully monitoring what was said and what impressions were being made. Often, they ask each other questions, very much like an interview, except the questions could be more personal. Where are you from? How long were you married? How often do you see your children? Each side is gathering information, trying to decide if he or she wants to continue the process.

If the whole idea makes your stomach tight, let me offer a few ideas on how to make it more comfortable for you (not on how to make a good first impression – that would be a completely different list):

• Carefully consider where you go. A coffee date is usually short, happens in a very public place, and allows you (forces you) to carry on a conversation during the entire time. A movie date is longer; prevents you from talking to each unless you go out afterward, making the date even longer; and takes place in the dark, where it’s not quite so public. Having a drink where a band is playing is a good compromise, provided you can hear yourselves over the music when you want to.
• Drive yourself so you can leave when you want.
• Be very aware of how much you drink. Stay in control of yourself and make sure you can safely drive home.
• If you’re shy or conversation is hard for you, have some topics in mind ahead of time.
• Be comfortable and be yourself. Don’t worry about trying to flirt, be funny, or be something you’re not.
• Avoid going straight from work. Allow yourself time to shift out of work or family mode and into a social, having fun frame of mind.
• Tell a friend where and when you’re going.
• Consider how much information you’ll share on the first date. Remember the phrase, “I really couldn’t say” for any topic you don’t want to discuss. Say it slowly, as if with a great deal of thought. It will suggest you don’t know the answer when really you don’t want to talk about it. (I reserve this less than honest approach for situations where someone is moving too fast or even being inappropriate, such as the time a man I’d just met asked me when was the last time I’d had sex!)

The most important advice I can give you is not to put too much emphasis on it. My best job interviews are when I really don’t care if I get the job or not. I can relax and just be myself, knowing that if it’s meant to be, it will be. First dates are the same way. People are often not the way they first seem, so you really don’t know if this is the chance of a lifetime. Just see it as a fun chance to get to know someone new, and odds are you’ll have a good time.

Your Body is a Temple

Perhaps you’ve heard it said that your body is God’s temple, so you should treat it with respect and care for it. I don’t disagree with this viewpoint; I just don’t find it very motivating when I need to make a change about how I treat my body. After all, there are approximately 6,697,254,000 people (a 2008 estimate from World Bank) in the world today, so what’s one more or less to God?

I do find it compelling to consider, however, that my body is my temple – and I only have one. When this one dies, the game is over. Have you ever thought that there is nothing you can accomplish, no goal you can have on this earth that doesn’t require your body. Even thinking, writing, and praying all require your mind. And you cannot escape from your body; it goes everywhere you do.

With sane sex, your body is treasured and treated like the temple it is. Think about your most treasured possessions. Do you share them with just anyone? Yet most of them are probably able to be replaced. Not so with your body, so take care with it! As I’ve pointed out before, sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. Don’t you want to share your temple with someone who will treat it with the reverence and awe that you do? (I hope you do treat it that way!) Being well sexually and committing to nothing less than sane sex are truly powerful ways to honor your body temple.

Getting Started at a Singles Event

Singles events, such as mixers, movie screenings, hikes, lunches, and parties, are a great, low risk way to meet other singles interested in dating. There are lots of people of around, most people don’t know each other, and you can always use the excuse that you want to mingle to break away from someone you’ve spent enough time with.

When you’re just getting started, you may want to go to singles events with a friend or two. This usually works out fine, as long as you remember that you’re going there to meet new people, not to hang around with the person you came with. If you go with other people, make an arrangement to separate. Sit at different tables or mingle individually as you work the room. (Susan RoAne’s How to Work a Room, Revised Edition: Your Essential Guide to Savvy Socializing is a great tool for gaining the skills to comfortably mingle in groups where you don’t know anyone.)

Once you have been to a few events, you’ll find that going alone can be quite fun. Being by yourself forces you to interact with others, and it invites others to approach you. It also enables you to stay as long as you’d like or to go elsewhere (not to his or her home!) with someone you’ve met when the event ends. My husband, Roger and I met at a singles dance which tended to end early. Because we’d each come to the dance alone, it was easy for us afterward to go to a country bar where we danced and talked for another couple of hours.

At a singles event, avoid sitting at a large table with five or more people, particularly at a dance. No one wants to be turned down in front of a crowd of people, so make it easy for people to approach you. It’s often successful to begin by seeking one or two people of the same gender to stand or sit with. Rather than getting involved in a deep conversation, keep it to small talk – and be positive. No one will be drawn to a negative conversation. Sit or stand so you can observe the room and others can see you. Be interested in your surroundings, and make it possible for people to come up to you and break into your conversation. If you someone alone who looks approachable (or needs someone to talk to), this is your opportunity to approach him or her.

Finally, a great ice-breaker I’ve found for conversation is the event itself and the sponsoring organization. Asking the other person if he’s attended other events the group has put on and what they were like can lead to information on how long he’s been dating, how much dating he does, and so forth. People love to be asked for their opinion, so this is usually a comfortable way to get the conversation started.

Today’s Dating Model

I describe the way most television and film characters, and many single people today, experience dating and sex as Today’s Dating Model. The model is quite simple, containing only three elements. It begins with attraction which is almost immediately combined with physical intimacy or sex, often in the hopes that emotional intimacy will result. In the movies and on TV, this is often the case, usually after some humorous angst on both parties’ parts. In real life, this is rarely the case, and I realize that not everyone has sex in the hope of achieving emotional intimacy. Let’s look at the model in more detail.

Step One—Attraction
The attraction part is easy and is always the first step. It’s not hard to find someone to whom you are attracted; we meet potential mates at bars and clubs and through friends, singles groups, online dating, chat rooms, and social media websites. We also meet at work, as men and women together occupy virtually every profession today. Rather than beginning a relationship with a series of dates, as our parents probably did, many singles today, influenced by television and movies, take an accelerated, often impersonal, approach.

Step Two—Physical Intimacy
In this model, people move very rapidly, sometimes within hours of meeting, to physical intimacy. As we’ll discuss in the months ahead, many reasons influence this decision. For now, let’s just acknowledge that today, for many, having sex is just one step away from having lunch or kissing.

Step Three—Emotional Intimacy
While reaching this step is the desired outcome for many, emotional intimacy rarely occurs when approached this way, except in the movies, of course. On the big screen, the leading actors almost always find emotional intimacy, no matter how difficult the journey. In reality, it just doesn’t work that way. Consider this case, described by Rabbi Shumley Boteach in Kosher Sex: “One woman whom I knew as a student told us that she has now been to bed with over twenty guys … all in a fruitless effort to find love with any one of them, and it just never seems to happen … She has yet to transform a casual sexual encounter into an intense and fulfilling relationship.”

It’s true that, just as it’s easy to find someone to be attracted to, it’s also easy to find someone willing to have sex, especially when no commitment is involved. But what are the odds that a near stranger, someone we just met, is someone with whom we can comfortably share our deepest desires and emotions? They’re not high; in fact, I would say, as a weight-loss expert, that the odds of the average person losing the kind of weight advertised by most weight-loss programs (you know the ones, where the ad reads “results not typical”) are greater than the odds that emotional intimacy will result from today’s dating model!

Yet people work this model over and over, trying to get it right. Most people eventually, if not initially, truly desire emotional intimacy. For the majority, casual sex is really a misguided attempt to find that fulfillment. It’s no surprise studies show that, over the last twenty years, more people are feeling isolated and disconnected. Continue to join me as we explore a more sane, effective approach to finding both emotional intimacy and fulfilling sex.

Grateful for The Pill and Its Advocates

Did you hear that the pill turned 50 on May 9? This is a noteworthy event, since the pill has had a profound effect on women’s sexual freedom and the ability to control their bodies. Still, experts say it did not spark the sexual revolution, despite criticism to the contrary in the 1960s. A Kinsey report on female sexual behavior published in 1953 noted that half of all women had had premarital sex. And it also did not result in a sudden drop in the U.S. fertility rate, which didn’t hit bottom until the next decade (USA Today May 7, 2010).

While the pill gave women more freedom, it also gave them more responsibility. They could no longer blame fear of pregnancy as the reason to say “no.” Women had to own their feelings and claim the right to control, protect, and honor their bodies. In a sense, that’s what sane sex is all about. To postpone physical intimacy until emotional intimacy develops places a high value on our bodies, acknowledging that they are not to be shared freely or thoughtlessly.

Fifty years ago women such as Margaret Sanger and Katharine McCormick fought for women’s right to have access to the pill. Although it was available, many doctors tried to keep it from their patients. (Even today, the pill requires a prescription, even though it meets the FDA’s criteria for switching a prescription drug to over-the-counter.) How ironic it is that so many of today’s women take the freedom of the pill for granted. Regarding superficial sex, the old adage, “just because you can doesn’t mean you should,” applies. Honor the women who have gone before you, and honor the incredible gift of your body. Sex is a treasure and you are a treasure. Treating them both as such is an appropriate way to say thanks.

Friends With Benefits – What’s Up With That?

Are you familiar with a form of superficial sex or casual sex termed “friends with benefits”? It’s a new millennium term, but not necessarily a new concept. With this arrangement, the benefits are sex and the partners are friends. Romantic love is not part of the arrangement, and the parties may or may not be exclusive. A “friends with benefits” relationship is more than a one-night stand, as it typically involves people who began as friends and decided to add a sexual component to the relationship.

The emotions and commitment usually associated with being in love are not present, although the two parties may feel love for each other. The level of commitment these parties feel for each other varies, and the arrangement lasts only as long as both people desire it to last. The goal is not marriage or even a long-term relationship, but rather, the opportunity to have sex with someone each is comfortable with and at least likes. A “friends with benefits” arrangement is seen by many as a more acceptable way to have sex than simply having superficial sex with a near stranger.

Still, the intimacy of the experience is much more physical than it is emotional. As Rabbi Boteach, author of Kosher Sex, describes about a young woman who had had many partners, the sex was “pleasurable, but not warm or intimate.” This isn’t close to what could be experienced in a sexual relationship under different circumstances.

To me, superficial sex is like quarter beers in college. I remember how excited some people were when they had to pay only a quarter for a beer. Even during my college years, a quarter wasn’t much money. With superficial sex, it feels as if you’re getting more, when in reality, you’re getting less. It’s like having two hundred pennies rather than two fifty dollar bills. Thankfully most of us mature out of this quarter beer mindset and seek a more fulfilling, valuable experience from all of life, including sex.

Having Sex is Still a Big Deal

Despite what we’ve been led to believe, not much has really changed: having sex is still a big deal. Most people over forty know this; our parents instilled this belief in us, even if our actions didn’t always reflect this belief. Unfortunately most people under the age of thirty don’t have this perspective. They don’t know that having sex is not a recreational activity or a way to socialize, but rather an incredibly powerful act with tremendous potential to heal, nurture, and connect.

Having sex is the most physically intimate behavior two people can engage in, short of giving birth. I do think that having an entire person growing inside of you is more intimate, but that’s the only experience I’d put ahead of sexual intercourse in terms of physical intimacy. And pregnancy is only available to half the population; even then, it’s an infrequent occurrence.

So, at the end of a date, when your companion asks, “Do you want to go back to my house and fool around?” (code for “have sex,” in case you didn’t know), politely respond, “No thanks.” Then turn and run! Let’s not take sex lightly or treat it casually.

Do you fool around with your money? Surely money can give great pleasure, for ourselves and for other people when we share it. Money enables us to see the world, educate ourselves, cure diseases, and make more money. Even in casinos, smart people do not fool around with their money; if not used wisely, money can cause us considerable anguish.

How about electricity? Do you fool around with it? Here again, when handled properly, life is greatly enhanced by electric power. Stop and appreciate how many things in your immediate environment use electricity. Our world comes to a stop without it. Yet we recognize the power and potential danger of electricity, as well. We’ve educated ourselves on the appropriate use of electricity, and so it enhances our enjoyment of life.

We value both money and electricity, treating them with respect, and they in turn make our lives more fun and fulfilling. So it can and should be with sex. Sex can be fun and playful, but it also has the potential to be so much more. So please, don’t fool around with sex!

Is Sex a Recreational Activity For You?

The notion that having sex is just another form of recreation is based in good intentions; most of us could stand to have more fun each day. But the price we pay when we reduce sex to another recreational activity is too high. What’s left to share with our partner, when we develop an exclusive, loving relationship, if we’ve trivialized sex as just another recreational activity?

It’s not as if we don’t have other alternatives for recreation, even along the gamut of sexual expression. We can have more fun in many ways without misusing sex. Yes, the experience of sex should be fun and energizing—but it should also be so much more. When we use sex just for fun, we have nothing left to replace it with. Nothing else crosses physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries the way sex can.
Remember that the point is not that we’re too focused on sex. On the contrary, sex is critically important and deserves our attention. That’s why we have the best experiences when we approach sex with care. As M. Scott Peck states: “So, if it is the best possible orgasm you are after, then the best way to achieve it is with someone who is deeply beloved to you.” Take the time to learn more about the benefits of sane sex.

Myth Busted: Smart Women Carry Condoms

Have you heard this statement? Perhaps you believe it yourself. Intelligent women dating today know enough to take care of themselves and carry their own condoms. When I first started dating again after a 20-year break, I thought this way. Ironically, what shifted my thinking shifted my thinking was finding out that the only way I could ever have the hope of having safe sex was if I carried my own condoms. I began to wonder how it was that so many men asked for sex, yet never had a condom.

I learned to reframe this statement—women who want to be safe and have sex carry condoms. There’s nothing wrong with either of these practices. I want to be safe and have sex, too. But I’ve come to believe that smart women wait for the right man who will care enough about himself and her to be prepared and be willing to use protection to keep them both safe. Ladies, you are worth his making a trip to the drug store! Gentlemen, this is your time to take the lead. We won’t ask you for a tampon, so please don’t expect us to supply the condoms. Think of it this way: the sock does not need the shoe; it needs the foot. It wouldn’t matter how many shoes you owned, if you didn’t have feet, you wouldn’t need socks. The reality is this: Men worth having sex with carry and use condoms.

Sane Sex or Same Sex?

When people see my book cover or hear me say the name of the book, Worth Waiting For, Sane Sex for Singles, they often hear “same” sex rather than “sane” sex. I like the phrase “sane sex” because it’s close to safe sex in sound, just as it is on the sexual continuum. I encourage people to step it up a level and commit to more than just having safe sex; I invite them to have sane sex, which is sex in the context of an exclusive, loving relationship.

But what about “same” sex? Does sane sex apply only to straight couples? Not at all. Attraction, sex, love, and emotional intimacy are pretty universal experiences, regardless of sexual orientation. Whether one is gay or straight, having sex with a virtual stranger just doesn’t make sense. Smart, healthy people treasure their bodies, and they want to be intimate only with someone who will also treasure their body. How can a person who barely knows you really treasure anything about you? So sane sex makes just as much sense for those interested in same sex as it does for anyone else.

The Wrong Reason to Have Sex

As you can imagine, people I knew were quite interested in my book as I was writing it. A former human resources director writing a book about dating and sex?! I remember a friend telling me that she wished my book was already available, because a friend of hers was making poor decisions. This friend had agreed to sleep with a man she’d just met because he’d helped her do something around her house. It wasn’t a major project, like retile her bathroom (not that that would warrant having sex with someone), but something minor like move a heavy object. I’m all for gratitude and expressing appreciation, but can you see that sharing yourself in the most physically intimate way possible as a way to say “thank you” is just too much?

So why do you have sex? Women tend to strive for connections with other people, so some may unwisely use sex as a means of getting closer to someone. Certainly the sense of intimacy is enhanced with a positive sexual experience, but if a certain level of closeness isn’t already there, we can end up feeling more isolated and disconnected than we did when we started. This is especially true if our partner’s primary goal was a pleasurable physical experience rather than emotional intimacy. With sane sex, we allow emotional intimacy to develop first. When emotional intimacy is combined with physical attraction, sex is a natural result that nurtures both parties. Whatever your reasons, think them through and be sure you’re really clear on why you’re having sense and what you want from the experience.

Lady Gaga Agrees - If You're Not Ready, Don't Do It

An author colleague, healer and friend, Kebba Buckley Button, recently sent me an article from the Arizona Republic stating that Lady Gaga isn’t having sex. She’s single and has decided celibacy is okay for right now. Her busy schedule doesn’t allow her the time to get to know anyone well enough. Good for her! She may not be using the phrase, but she’s practicing sane sex, where emotional intimacy happens before physical intimacy takes place. Lady Gaga points out, and I agree, we don’t have to have sex to feel good about ourselves.